To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

[almostthreedeep]

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

Try not to talk about it in front of her. Try to minimise any horrible comments she makes. However if she is being really blunt and obviously being rude then tell off audibly. Her sad situation never gives her the right to deliberately hurt others.

Agree here
One or two children is fine, but to keep on having them and expecting the bunting to be hung out at each “announcement “ is going a bit far.

People generally only make a big fuss over the first born anyway- second and subsequent children aren’t really fussed about as much.

OP you do sound rather smug about your life, writing about the supposed friend in a way in which you clearly perceive yourself to be better than her, just because you married her brother and are having a lot of children.

Go and find her, give her a hug and say that you are sorry she is finding things hard at the moment, apologise for the perceived insensitivity, (although I can't see you did anything wrong). Be the better person and build bridges before any more hurt happens on either side. Her single status and your multiple pregnancies are not related.

If she is really that desperate for children, she could explore IVF and sperm donation. Or do as a friend of mine has done and adopt.

One thing I’ve learned in life is that it is ebbs and flows. Whoever you are, you’ll have good times and bad. With that you should celebrate others highs and be there for them in their lows, and they you.

I had 10 years of infertility and saw friends have 3 or 4 in this time. It was hard, but it was THIER babies, their time of joy, not mine.

To not want to be around your DC is pretty shit TBH, and I’d not be happy about that. I’d leave her be, and wait for her to come to you.

Whilst it may not have been a good idea to announce it the way you did, I wouldn’t be walking on egg shells around her. Even though I had fertility struggles I still found others begrudged me having a baby. In fact I was really upset when I got pregnant after so many years and some people begrudged me that. In fact this was the catalyst of change for me and I decided there and then I’d be as happy as I could when good things happen to me and to devil with anyone who tried to take it away from me.

This is MN, where you're not allowed to announce a pregnancy for fear of offending people for xyz reasons. In real life, it's perfectly normal. And no matter her issues, she is very wrong to be so rude to you. You don't need to apologise for having a child just because she hasn't met a man yet. We all make choices, and are lucky in some respects and unlucky in others. She needs to get over herself, her perceived failures are not your fault.

Maybe a quiet word, one on one, asking her if she's OK may help. But you may need to accept some distance from her.

You sure you know what “usurp “ means? Strangest way to use that verb and very mean statement too.

How is that statement mean?

Your post is patronising and adds nothing to the thread.

Could you have announced it a couple of weeks ago by text or something. You've basically given her no choice but to face her feelings while you're around rather than ugly cry in private.

How ?? You've forced her to an in person announcement with no space to process her feelings

Leave her alone and don't suggest ivf or adoption to her please op

She just sounds envious of your happy life. And is depressed and fed up with her life.

I agree
Whatever the reason it's still not okay to be downright rude

DITTO

it isn't something I'd beat myself up about

See this just comes across as pretty insensitive. You just couldn't be bothered to text her before hand....you say you made all these concessions to her before so you bloody well knew how she felt about everything and then you've gone and dropped the baby bomb on her at Christmas time whilst you're surrounded by your lovely husband and lovely kids and newly pregnant. I'm not sure why you thought this would go any differently

Doesn't sound like you've every struggled at anything....don't work...fall pregnant quickly and easily

If I was your SIL I'd struggle to be around you too probably

Be careful about making assumptions about why she she is distant. Remember your husband is her brother. She may feel uncomfortable knowing all that she knows, especially now you are having another baby.

I didn't say to suggest it. 🙄
I said that if she is that desperate, she could consider it. The point is, there are options other than having to find a partner.

Your contribution has nothing of value either in that case then other than to heap more guilt on the OP who has done nothing wrong. If you can’t see how your statement is mean, you need to either do some soul searching or stop throwing words about loosely. You don’t know appear to know what patronising means either.

@oakleaffy not really sure how it may have come across that I want the bunting hung up for my 2nd or 3rd pregnancy. Naturally, DH's parents are very very excited, as are we. It doesn't mean we're throwing a baby shower (like we did for the 1st) or we want gifts or we want to discuss every detail of it like the first time round when it's novel.

Someone else lower down asked why we have so many children so close together. The simple reason is that this is what we have decided to do. First planned, second accident, we loved the age gap between DC1 and DC2 so wanted the same again. Who knows if that ends up being a good idea, but it's what we've decided to do.

A bit of an update...
Earlier in the day I typed out the OP whilst nap trapped. Came downstairs to a slightly cold lunch but still edible. I didn't want to bother anyone so I said I'll happily eat it half cold - and it was nice. SIL reminded me that I should get used to it as cold lunches left out too long will now be my life for the foreseeable future and asked if I get FOMO that I'll always eat solo. She also pointed I look tired, all in the space of 5 mins. MIL and DH exchanged looks, DH asked her "are you... okay?!" and she sort of said it's just a joke.
Later the whole family went out for a walk, I stayed back because I felt a little tired and unwell due to first trimester, SIL just said she didn't want to join (presumably not to witness the grandparenting). I was in the kitchen / living room anyway, she came to make a tea and stayed to drink it so I asked if she is okay and apologised for not warning her in advance. She said that she doesn't resent me for the way I said it, just thinks I'm making a stupid decision for her bro, for me and for the older kids, that inevitably it'll make her elderly (in their 60s) parents help out when there's so many children and we'll tire them out with our visits and them visiting us (we have never asked them to babysit our children, always been in the same house when they are with our children). I assured her it's something DH and I wanted, and that we don't want her to feel like SHE has to help out at all. She just sort of rolled her eyes and left. So... not sure where we're going from here. I guess as friends we will drift apart which, whilst sad, is manageable. But as family she will always be an aunt and DH's sister so I'd like to keep it civil.

Thanks for the update OP. My opinion -,

Weird comments from your sis tbh

so pleased your DH and MIL sort of ‘had your back’

SIL * sorry not sis!!

Also a few people suggested just outright not saying anything despite showing and leaving them to guess. It would absolutely be an elephant in the room. My build is such that I show early, or maybe it's how the babies are, either way I show early. My MIL and I are quite close and she knows me well - we are normally greeted with champagne on arrival, she will have a cheeseboard on at some point because it's Xmas and because she knows I LOVE cheese, especially blue cheeses and soft gooey mould ripened cheeses. If I didn't, it would have been obvious that I am pregnant but awkward that I'm not saying anything so technically no one else can say anything either.

AGREE

Hopefully you can keep a civil relationship for the kids sake but please be aware you’ve done nothing wrong. If you want to have your kids back to back, that’s you and your husband’s prerogative. If she wants to mess up the relationship she has with her niece and nephew more fool her. It doesn’t mean you won’t be understanding and treat her with kindness as we should everyone ( goes without saying) but don’t walk on eggshells around her. Good luck

She sounds pathetic. The comments she made are mean and hurtful and so is ignoring the kids. You don’t have the right to behave like that because you want children and don’t have them or because other people appear to have what you want. That makes you a dick head. Taking it out on children is just weird behaviour.
I do think you should talk to her though, if you were so close I can’t understand why you haven’t already. Maybe she feels like you’ve abandoned her for her brother or haven’t been there for her enough.

I don't think you can do anything apart from be sensitive to how much she is hurting and to give her space and ignore any rude comments. Your really can't imagine the pain she is going through and all you need to deal with is a few nasty comments - you'll cope.