To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

[almostthreedeep]

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

OP just as an aside - this thread has helped me very much resolve my own issues because my mum’s behaviour patterns were very much the same as your sister in law’s when she wasn’t getting what she wanted and people made decisions she didn’t like - it was a situation that was very difficult to manage and had me people pleasing and walking on eggshells for a very long time

I agree with this too. I am also someone with no kids, and there is a sadness to that sometimes for me and my partner, but I would never expect other people to tiptoe around me or prioritise my feelings. While I empathise with the SIL here, I think her behaviour is totally unacceptable. Yes she might be hurting but where do you draw the line? If she never marries or has kids does that give her the right to lash out or ostracise the OP's kids or make family events awkward for ever? I don't think so. The OP is just living her life like everyone else. The world is full of families and children and pregnant women, and the SIL really needs to come to terms with that.

She probably does like herself much at the moment.

argh I meant “doesn’t like herself much”

It’s a really tough position to be in. She’s surrounded by partnered family members and their children.

As much as you all might recognise other paths in life @almostthreedeep if this is something she wanted but now feels is out of her reach, it’s really really hard for her.

And you might have the grace to realise that successful partnering etc is largely a matter of luck. It’s very little to do with how fat or whatever your SIL is. It’s a lot of luck, meeting the right person at the right time.

Dint say anything and just let her be. She’ll realise at some point that she’s being rude.

But you may have to realise you are not the right person to be a friend for her at the moment.

She probably feels very trapped in the family Christmas at the moment. If it were me, I’d be doing something completely different and not in the family situation you describe. It would be too painful.

I agree, especially with your last paragraph. In her position I would be booking a holiday over Christmas.

Sounds awful for you.
I knew a woman who never forgave her very successful daughter, for not becoming a doctor.
And then wonders why said daughter is no contact.

This is horrid for you but I absolutely understand how she feels, I remember going to the loo for a cry when a workmate announced her pregnancy. I just felt so sad that I wouldn’t have that, I was still happy for her but just so sad.
its really tough doing family Christmas’ when your single and don’t want to be.
it’s difficult for you both..

Gosh the attitude in the last sentence of this post is an attitude I wish I’d adopted

MUCH MUCH EARLIER!!!

So many people in life have tried to begrudge my successes :

Fat ‘friend’ got others to gang up on me aged 13 when I went from fat to a pretty much bang on ‘average’ weight for a 13 year old girl

The day I got 3 As in A level ‘friend’ suddenly announced she was pregnant. It was a false alarm
Quel surprise …

@velvetcoat

Her situation certainly isnt fixed in stone, there is every chance she could meet someone amazing in 2025 but that isnt going to happen if she goes around with a face on her, angry at the world. She is ruining her own chances here by embracing this victim mentality.
^^^^^^^

Brilliant- excellent advice, and could apply to a lot of things.

I’ve 2 DC now, the joy of my life !

Absolutely agree with pp re being positive - it is hard though. I hope she’ll realise she’s not being fair to you.

If anything, I was slightly more apprehensive about having all 3 so close together and thought maybe it's better to do 2 close together , a gap , another 2 close together. My husband was the one that said it'll be great, 4 close together will be fine, more manageable whilst we're young, look how good it is with these 2.
Im pretty sure he never really confides in his sister (or anyone) about family planning, our sex life.

@thepariscrimefiles

She excels in her career in a male dominated profession which is admirable. I wonder if she is also upset because her parents are much less excited about her achievements while being massively excited about your ability to keep producing many grandchildren. Someone I worked with came from a unsupportive working class family who were completely uninterested in her academic achievements and high flying career, and she told me that the first time her dad congratulated her about anything was when she had a baby.

^^^^

That's so sad.
I can remember my mum being proud of me being so 'slim'
Not my sparkling personality, or my great school grades.
It was the 70's though and being stick like was a thing.
I always made sure to tell my healthy weight, shapely, intelligent, charismatic daughter just how awesome she was- and NEVER mentioned her weight. (She was a stunner in every way)
Funny though she'd tell me off, for not wearing size 8 clothes (I liked baggy comfortable clothes) because I had a 'banging figure'
Yes still stick thin - fast metabolism- I'd love a few curves.

It's easy to say “be positive” with hindsight when things have worked out the way you wanted though. I went through years of infertility and never had children. I’m at peace with it now, but when I was right in the middle of it “be positive”was not helpful advice.

She made out all your decisions were about her, like you had made them just to spite her, when in fact none of your decisions made any difference to her life. She’s like a spider in a web, once caught it’s hard to get free.

You took the decision to be at peace with yourself otherwise it would have destroyed you. X
Op’s Sil has so much going for her but doesn’t want to acknowledge it because of a breakup with a bf in the past and have not moved on. That’s not the same as years trying to get pregnant and then having to accept you would have children. X

I dont agree with that kind of toxic positivity or pretending to be happy when you arent but equally, going around being mean to people isnt helping either is it?

This woman is wanting to meet a partner - you arent going to attract people to you by being negative and bitter. It might sound harsh but it's the truth. If that kind of attitude is seeping out it might in fact be why she hasn't met anyone yet.

True, but it sounds like her self esteem and sense of self worth is on the floor at the moment despite all her career success, because in her eyes she’s failing at what most people consider the really important things in life - being in a relationship and having children.

Hey OP, arriving late to this thread. I'm amazed at how many people are telling you that you should have been more sensitive. She's being utterly demented and fucking horrible to you. Let it drift and I hope she's back to apologise for her batshit reaction early in 2025.

For context I'm childfree, have had the sad times and private tears watching others' families grow. I kept that TO MYSELF.

this

She hasn't "failed" yet though - she still has time to meet someone. Unless she is heading towards 50, she presumably still has time to meet someone compatible and start a family of her own.

Thats the whole point - dont waste the precious time you do have by spending it focusing on what you dont have. She could literally meet someone this very year!

yes I can see this - sorry if I was insensitive.
I didn’t mean telling SIL to be positive but if she was socially active it probably would help her enjoy life more ?

sounds like my mum

Seems like Santa failed to hand out the empathy gene…

I would feel so condescended to if I were SIL.

Being psychoanalised and treated like a fragile loser would make a difficult day even worse.

Just leave her alone.

How many are you planning?! My advice would be to let her be, it’s incredibly hard watching other people (seemingly) living out your dream.

I would also try to enjoy your current children and pregnancy. Already talking about announcing a 4th is very strange and would suggest you’re ticking boxes rather than living in the moment. Whilst I’m sure your family are happy for you, having a baby is a personal thing and I don’t think looking for specific reactions is healthy.

Exactly this !