To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

[almostthreedeep]

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

Yes I have tried to be sensitive and I have been sensitive. Absolutely nobody is perfect and whilst I agree in hindsight I should have messaged, neither her brother or myself thought to message. I regret it but it isn't something I'd beat myself up about , given that otherwise we've been very kind and considerate all along.

This has absolutely nothing to do with Jellycat's post, which was acknowledging that it must be really difficult for your SIL to watch her university best friend and her brother living the life she wanted for herself but so far hasn't achieved. I think you're missing the point, and you're not coming across very well.

I’m sorry OP but announcing a pregnancy, in person, at a family Christmas she can’t just walk out of really wasn’t sensitive at all.

@almostthreedeep I regret it but it isn't something I'd beat myself up about , given that otherwise we've been very kind and considerate all along.

How exactly have you been very kind and considerate? Please give examples, as so far I see none listed on this thread.

@owlexpress yes I agree it must be hard, I completely see it. But is the solution for me not to be pregnant? Get DH to not see his family? Exclude his sister if she doesn't want to be excluded?

She said she'd like to be set up on dates so I've done that. She went out with this guy for a bit but then they broke up.
She said at one point she'd like to see more of me without the kids, and that's what we did.
She said she doesn't want to be invited to the grandparents' house when the kids are there so we always let her know when they are visiting us or we are visiting them so she doesn't come. But Christmas? She knows we'll be here, the grandparents want us here so... we're here.

I guess what might also be very difficult for her is that you've a big family and she's had to 'grin and bear' you being pregnant multiple times, with you planning another in future. It's easier to do all of the support and excitement and joining-in when it's just one or two babies, but someone who has 3, 4 or 5 kids and sort of expects the same reaction for each of them... it's a lot. I speak from experience.

You also speak about her in quite an unkind way, as if you've won at the game of life (man + babies) and she's losing (no ability to attract a man and have babies). It might be what she's thinking, but it also reads a little like you feel the same way. I wonder if she's picking up on that.

It's not an excuse to make remarks as she has but I suspect you're exhausting her and because you're now family, she can't avoid you.

The solution was to tell her over text, privately, beforehand so that she had time to think, reflect and decide if she wanted to spend her Christmas in that environment of whether for her own mental health a break this year would have been better.

You and your husband got wrapped up in your own excitement, and that’s understandable, but it does mean you really did not handle this situation sensitively at all.

Exactly this @almostthreedeep
Announcing it at Christmas surrounded by family where she can't leave, have time alone etc is literally the opposite of considerate.
Your poor SiL is obviously finding it difficult and the pain of wanting children and not being able to have them for whatever reason is honestly agonising. It isn't that she isn't happy for you, but it can equally be a heartbreaking reminder for her of what she doesn't have.

I don't think I've "won at life", and if anything she got what she talked about wanting at uni - a good career. She's actually quite successful in a male dominated field, in that she's well respected at work and progressing fast. I didn't have much of a career but I never wanted one.

It was always a joke between us at uni that I want many many children and I'm just at uni to find a man (this was said jokingly!!) to have babies with, whilst she hates the idea of kids and will be CEO of the next Google.

Over time though she warmed up to the idea of children, really wanted them and wanted to be a SAHM but, whilst not being able to do that, climbed far up the career ladder especially considering her age.

I have been in a similar situation to you and it is difficult to navigate. However I don’t really understand how it slipped your mind not to tell her before announcing your pregnancy at Christmas. Surely her being your best friend and having an awareness of the sensitivity of the situation means it would be somewhere near the forefront of your mind? This would come across as tactless and insensitive.

There is also an undercurrent of pity in your posts about SIL, rather than sympathy. I agree with a previous poster; there are different ways of living life and ticking society’s boxes of being married with children is not necessary to be happy or successful. I would be mindful of appearing smug or projecting things onto your SIL, mentioning her weight is wholly unnecessary. You seem quite judgemental of her.

I would suggest it’s best for her sake to cool this friendship with you, which would have happened by now if it weren’t for the family ties. You are at very different places in life which is completely normal, it may be that you re-connect a bit later on.

OK. So now you both want the same thing, but you're the only one who's got it and you're making remarks about the dwindling likelihood of her being able to do the same.

Regardless of what she wanted at uni, and what she's achieved since, she now is struggling and the way you've spoken about that on this thread is pretty unkind. If I had a friend who was showing signs of depression, the last thing I'd be concerned with is whether she was dolling herself up enough to meet a man.

Definitely don't speak to her about her reaction. She went above and beyond for your first and, as these things so often do, it's created an expectation in you that she'd continue to demonstrate that level of enthusiasm. Give her space to breathe away from your family and stop focussing on her so much. It must be so suffocating for her.

I’m surprised at the amount of criticism you’re getting.

Your sister-in-law is the whole problem here.

It is never acceptable to be embittered, jealous and spiteful to others for any reason, and not having her own husband or children yet is not an exception.

She’s not “triggered”, that’s just therapy talk for being a green eyed monster. She’s ostracising and rejecting your toddler children for existing. She’s made comments about your vagina. She’s suggested you will be inadequate parents to your older children.

You’ve done nothing wrong or offensive. Even if she hadn’t been a vicious envious cow, you don’t owe her sensitivity because having children and being married is not an insult to anyone else.

It’s not like she’s had a long and sad fertility battle, she’s just a miserable, self-absorbed harpy ruining her own life out of jealousy.

^^This.

Sorry OP but you’ve been incredibly thoughtless and insensitive.

Youre waving it away on this thread as a little oops, but actually it’s pretty awful. Your best friend bared her soul to you about how she’s struggling with really difficult feelings around not having children - and you didn’t give that a single thought when you were pregnant again. Really?!

Lots of women will have had friends with fertility difficulties and when they fall pregnant they don’t just breezily announce it a group gathering without a second thought for their friend. I appreciate it’s not fertility issues but it’s very similar ground with how she’s feeling. And you were well aware of it because you say you’ve already had to make adjustments. You really have been quite selfish here. I honestly cannot believe you didn’t stop to consider how she’s feeling.

Of course you shouldn’t have to put up with snark but I think you owe her a big, genuine apology first.

Lots of us have children and demanding lives - that doesn’t excuse you not thinking about someone else’s feelings, especially when you say you’ve already had to make lots of accommodations for her with family events.

If you apologise properly and the snark continues then I think it’s fine to have a gentle word. But I think in the first instance you just need to say sorry and then leave it, and then see how things continue.

She’s clearly hurting very badly and someone she loves has acted as if her feelings don’t matter. Shes lashing out and this is just going to escalate which will impact your children even more than it is now if you don’t make amends.

She’s clearly depressed. Give her some time to get her head round it.

There's nothing to say or do. You just need to let her work through her feelings at her own pace.

I think a lot of the comments on here are pretty unfair towards you OP. You aren’t to blame for her misfortune and it sounds like you’ve bent over backwards to be sensitive to her needs. In future be ready for her bitter comments and rudeness and shut them down politely but firmly. In particular I wouldn’t put up with her being cold towards your children. They are her family after all.

1. You and your DH were unbelievably insensitive not to text her in advance.

1. Bearing that in mind, you can suck up any barbed comments towards yourselves.

1. You can't allow any adult to be nasty to your children without intervening or at least explaining to them. If her 'coldness' reaches into nastiness you need to keep the kids away from her or explain that she isn't feeling well (or something reasonable they'll understand).

1. Aim to get through Christmas with as much civility and kindness as is possible in this sad situation you've trapped your SIL in by not giving her the heads up.

You would say that announcing a pregnancy publicly, in person, at their family Christmas is bending over backwards to be sensitive? What would be insensitive in your world then? Asking her to hold the pregnancy test while OP pissed on it?

@WishinAndHopin You’ve done nothing wrong or offensive. Even if she hadn’t been a vicious envious cow, you don’t owe her sensitivity because having children and being married is not an insult to anyone else. It’s not like she’s had a long and sad fertility battle, she’s just a miserable, self-absorbed harpy ruining her own life out of jealousy.

Wow... This is horrible. Have you ever heard of social infertility? Generally it's a courtesy to be sensitive to everyone too, I don't think you have to earn sensitivity.

Whats wrong with that?

It’s her pregnancy, she can announce it whenever she wants. It’s not an insult to anyone else.

A reminder that SIL has not suffered with infertility. She’s just single. Jealousy is not some terrible affliction that needs to be pandered to.

I think I'd have just got through Christmas without saying anything unless your in laws are the type to ask if you are pregnant? Even if you look a little pregnant unless you thought they'd say something I'd have just played it cool. Thinking you might be but with nothing being said might have been easier for her to deal with at least until the initial Christmad period is over..

Her SIL has shared with her how hard she finds this news, OP says herself that this is one of her BEST friends, she loves and cares about her, it’s her husband’s sister, family. Personally, if my best friend or sister told me something was difficult for her I’d make sure to make it as easy as possible.

You weren't sensitive to her situation, so it will have come across as smug. Her reaction is pain. Just let her ride it out and be more thoughtful next time.

Ostracising her toddler niece and nephew, insulting OPs vagina and insinuating they will be neglectful parents is far worse.

She deserves nothing.

Yes, as it happens I am 33, never had a partner for various reasons medical and social, and unlikely to have children (not through choice and I’m sad about it). I have never ever been resentful of anyone else having partners or children. That’s appalling.

I mean maybe it doesn't feel this way to you OP but from where I'm sitting it really does sound like you have it all, and like it's come fairly easily. You married your best friend's brother who you met at uni, it sounds like you have amazingly supportive family, you haven't had any romantic heartbreaks along the way, no infertility. I'm not asking you to wear a hair shirt and bow down with gratitude but please understand you have been incredibly lucky in life and to SIL it must seem like life has been handed to you on a plate, whereas she gets all the heartache and the struggles.

You're not the person who can support your SIL at the moment, she is pushing you away and you have to respect that. But leave the door open, no one knows what the future holds for any of you and life may end up bringing you back together.