To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

[almostthreedeep]

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

OP, you don’t have to justify having three kids in quick succession to anyone.

Good update, enjoy your christmas

thinks I'm making a stupid decision for her bro, for me and for the older kids

So she doesn't think her brother was a willing participant in your family planning. That is not nice at all.

To be honest, after your first baby, subsequent babies would not get such a massive reaction as compared to your first pregnancy.

Fault lies with both sides. Op you should not have announced your pregnancy, in front of the whole family, around Christmas. That is very insensitive and highly doubt it didn't come across your mind. You and your husband became wrapped in your excitement (understandably) that your SIL feelings were irrelevant.

She was also at fault for saying those crude comments. But it probably came out as a surprised and was experiencing word Diarrhoea.

I would not be too smug. You could end up as a single parent with three children and that is HARD. Always remember that.

I think you should have told the family before Xmas so she didn't have to be caught unawares. You haven't been very sensitive especially as you did already know how she felt after her reaction to baby no 2. I think you now have to leave it. Avoid constant chat about the new baby.

There comes a point when someone is pushing you away you have to leave them to it, she can’t be helped unless she wants to help herself. Everyone is walking on eggshells around her and all because she has never got over a break up and can’t move on from the life she wanted with him. Life isn’t bloody fair but if people stopped pussy footing around her like she’s Miss Havisham then she might start to see she is missing out on her family and friends. You don’t need to feel guilty Op you’ve tried to help her, hopefully she will come to terms with her life but if not enjoy your family x

It sounds like it’s a combination
of feelings all culminating for her (not excusing her behaviour whatsoever, just trying to understand it). There’s 5 years between me & my younger sister so not a huge difference however she is struggling that our mum doesn’t have the same energy for her little kids as she did for my kids (I had my first at 19 she had her first at 37 so there’s pretty much 20 years difference) & that my mum now with health issues can help out like she did when mine was little & I was at Uni.

It could be that she’s mourning her relationship whilst yours (and her brother, which is double hit) flourishes. She’s seeing you have the kids she wanted. She’s seeing her parents be doting grandparents to your kids, she’s seeing them be doting grandparents to her siblings kids knowing that her parents likely won’t have the same relationship with hers (if she has them at all). She’s seeing what she wanted in life & both her best friend & her sibling have what she wanted. So not just one or the other but both of you (even though she should be happy you’re together, she’s struggling with seeing you both where she may have had your support or his support & vice versa).

She’s probably mourning that she won’t have the same family experience with her kids/grandparents like her nieces & nephews have. She likely won’t have childcare support etc or massively involved parents when she finally does have kids if they end up being older or have health issues etc.

She should be behaving better but I can kind of see where her issues lie based on living something similar. I’ve been in a relationship with my husband since being a teen whereas my sister has has plenty of failed relationships & isn’t with the father of her kids so she talks about how much easier I’ve always had it (both in terms of help from our mum at the start along with having a supportive husband). It’s the seeing someone have breathing you want & never being able to get away from it or being able to have a moan like she would if she was moaning about her brother to her bestie or her brother about her bestie kind of thing

So much this !!

She doesn't get to just make jokes about the state of your vagina just because she is sad she doesn't have children. That's absolute bollocks and your dh should tell her to wind her neck in.

This. Completely nightmare situation for her to be in tbh. I’d just give her a lot of space and grace and not get sucked in to the drama. Rise above. It’s the Least you can do.

Nightmare situation?! Are people on this thread ok?

Annoucning a pregnancy to family at Xmas is completely normal and what happens in a loving family. It’s absolutely insane to suggest op should have broken the news to spare her SIL’s sad feelings. It’s actually insulting to people who do have fertility issues or who have lost a loved one.

Based on the update, keep your distance. She's being being rude and unkind, completely unnecessarily. Quite sad but your friendship has come to an end.

Nightmare situation to have a uni friend infiltrate your family and take over , living the life you imagined/ desperately wanted for yourself but isn’t working out/ you feel slipping away from you.
Yeh I can totally see how that’s a massive head fuck.

Infiltrate?

This thread is bonkers. So many massive over-reactions and reaches.

ok - replace with a more neutral word , the situation is still a headfuck.
Can you honestly not put yourself in the SIL’s shoes?

You don’t appear to know what many words mean.

The OP has behaved insensitively and there’s also a weird undertone throughout her posts, a thinly veiled superiority. I would be interested in hearing her SIL’s perspective.

No because I’m not insane

well I think that’s pretty obtuse .

It’s not hard to imagine that there might be complicated feelings involved when your best friend from uni marries your brother , and enters the core of your family. Even more so when your life is not working out how you hoped and you are not feeling good about yourself; meanwhile they are the ones providing the next generation of family/ grandkids (who inevitably become the focus ) etc.

Some people no doubt would take it in their stride. I think many others would find it emotionally difficult and complicated.

Jeez. Some of these replies are INSANE. How are so many people excusing the SIL behaviour? She’s behaving like a spoilt child. Things don’t always work out the way we’d like them to, are you seriously suggesting that she walk on eggshells to save her SIL feelings? She’s done nothing wrong. If she had fertility issues or something I would say OP should have been more sensitive but even then it wouldn’t warrant stupid comments and ignoring the children. It’s patronising to suggest people in SIL position would want this when most people understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
she clearly had no issue with her friend and brother’s relationship and marriage in the early days so it’s not that either.
OP should talk to her to ascertain the problem whilst making it clear that her comments are unnecessary. We all go through shit.

I don’t get why so many people think SIL deserves sympathy if she’s struggling from infertility, but not if she’s unable to have children for other reasons?

I suggest doing some research into the pain/ grief associated with being involuntarily childless.

Hmm. This is tough. Are you both quite young? Asking because you mentioned her career success "for her age".

Her behaviour does sound a little immature, even if she is feeling hurt.

However, it's probably unrealistic for you to expect to maintain a friendship with her as it used to be when your lifestyles are so different now.

I hope things improve over time - and congratulations on baby #3

It’s not about whether or not she deserves sympathy. Anyone is entitled to feel however they feel about anything. That doesn’t give them the right to behave like a brat when someone has something that they want. She doesn’t have to throw her a baby shower but we can’t excuse stupid behaviour like this and we certainly shouldn’t be excusing her saying she’s making a bad decision for her husband as if he can’t make his own decisions and didn’t play an active role in creating the pregnancy.

Some times we try and try and try and try and then we get tired of trying.
Everybody else has moved forward in their lives and we have stayed the same.
It isn’t a crime. It isn’t against the rules. We’re just different from you and maybe we got tired of trying to keep up.
Maybe you need to examine your expectations and your boundaries and let me off the hook from being your cheerleader.
Maybe you should think about that.
Maybe you should cut me a break.

Your SIL is horrible. She’s now embarrassed that you’ve noticed her behaviour is linked to jealousy about being single and childless, so she’s turning it around on you and acting like you’re doing something morally wrong for having a child. She’s a spiteful self-involved sow.

It is not her place to talk about your family, your children, your pregnancy, your body, your marriage, your childcare, or your children’s relationships with their grandparents. You don’t have to justify anything to her about any of this, she needs to wind her neck all the way in. Her behaviour is outrageous.

I think you will need your husband’s support with this. Please make it clear that you will not be tolerating any more stonewalling of your toddlers (a form of abuse by the way), bullying of you, or personal insults. This behaviour cannot continue regardless of her feelings.

I’m sorry she is making Christmas hard for you and trying to ruin your joy. Congratulations on your pregnancy and try to move on from this horrible woman. Don’t inflict her on your children any more.

Stay silent- nothing good will come of you chatting about these perceived slights

This
she says it’s unfair on everyone- but she’s been an absolute cow , to everyone
my sister had 3 kids close together- i was the spinister sister
I loved those kids ti bits - it inspired me, that it could be me one day, but in the mean time I had a free family.
I did go on to have my own children too
my new childless sister in law also made a huge fuss of them, and other subsequent nieces and nephews- sil did have great career
your sil is nuts.
its total jealousy and in your position I’d been taking a huge step back….infact I don’t think you have much choice.
sil has already detached from you….
leave her be and put all your energy into your own little family.