To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

[almostthreedeep]

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

I must admit I’ve read the OP and a few of the other posts but I TOTALLY AGREE with everything said in this post here

I don't think you've done anything wrong here. It's hard for your SIL but it's not your fault, even if you gave her a heads up it would still be consuming her. You can have as many babies as you want and your pregnancies shouldn't have to be hidden. Some sensitivity ofc which it sounds like you are already doing.

I have experienced infertility and boy did it hurt but I couldn't expect anything from others that were pregnant. Just keep being kind and make all the fuss of your children even if she ignores them, they are your priority.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. She is probably struggling. I wouldn't say but maybe arrange to meet up without your children and talk about other topics.

The vag comment just sounds like a joke. She's not really wrong 😂

I think the word you're looking for is "depressed".

Wtf?! Why can’t op announce her pregnancy?! Because SIL is jealous and bitter?!

I do have empathy for how she feels. It’s hard when you see somebody having a life that you always wanted (especially when it seems to come so easy while she struggles with dating.)
I also get people who lose interest in dating. After a complete shit show some years ago I told myself I would try dating again when I felt emotionally ready and more resilient. That was in 2015 and ten years later I still have no desire to attempt to date again!

I definitely get feeling triggered by others happy families and similarly decline a lot of family invites especially when kids are involved.

But what I cannot empathise with is her cattiness and bitterness towards you plus the awful comments. She needs to find a healthier way to channel her bitterness even if that means discussing it with a therapist.

And don’t feel bad for putting distance between you.

Tis the season to slag off the fat, bitter childless relatives. Her comment was below the belt but this thread has equally unpleasant undertones. Merry Christmas!

Thanks god for sanity. Wholeheartedly agreee with this. OP I hope you are still here. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever.

I dunno - I get the point she is making. Sounds a bit like depression and it becomes a vicious circle. You are depressed about your life so you let yourself go, that makes it harder to meet somebody which makes it you more depressed etc.

I get what she is saying. Maybe because I share a lot of similarities with the sister and if somebody referred to me as “no longer making much of an effort with my appearance” specifically my weight, they would be correct.

Yeah same. Surprised about the response on here (actually not that surprised because it's AIBU). The OP has 2 toddlers and is in the first trimester of pregnancy but apparently must devote all her time to tiptoeing around the feelings of her friend. Simply by existing as a mother and a relative she is being 'insensitive'.

Friendships are difficult, especially ones since Uni. You change, some have successes, some have failures. Some people struggle to form relationships, others not so much. Some people get pregnant at the drop of a hat, others desperately want a family. Constantly comparing yourself to other people is no way to live but that's what the SIL has chosen to do. She can't expect other adults to run their lives around her emotions.

But her situation IS the same as having a fertility issue isn’t it? It both instances somebody is dealing with the pain of childlessness.

I do agree that the sister is wrong to not deal with being triggered more respectfully but to dismiss what she is feeling as somehow being different to a long battle with infertility makes no sense as she is still dealing with unintended childlessness.

I think OP just needs to accept that this friendship will likely not be so close in the future and that’s fine.

Involuntary childlessness is involuntary childlessness no matter how it arises. Why is it less insensitive just because the sister was not dealing with infertility?

Her comments were uncalled for but you were unbelievably insensitive in announcing a pregnancy at a family Christmas, especially without giving her the heads up first.

This time of year is very hard for single childless women, knowing that another year has gone by and the chance of finding "the one" in time to have babies gets slimmer and slimmer.

I think you or your DH ought to take her to one side and apologise. "SIL I'm really sorry that we sprung this announcement on you. I know this must be hard but we'd appreciate if you could stop the snide comments".

OP her reaction wasn’t ok. She’s jealous but frankly she should have kept that to herself.

I think it’s ok to decide you will be “family polite” but not have a relationship.

just to warn you- there’s possibly she will find someone to settle down with and have a baby, be prepared for you to really struggle with being expected to treat this as an exciting thing when your own pregnancy was treated as a problem. She may then suddenly want big family meet ups, after years of you keeping your dcs away etc.

Bit unfair. 'apparently must devote all her time to tiptoeing around the feelings of her friend Simply by existing as a mother and a relative she is being 'insensitive'. Not devote all her time, just have some tact. And her existing isn't insensitive, it was when she chose to deliver news SIL would find hard to hear, in circumstances SIL already finds hard, and which she can't easily leave. That was the insensitive part. OP isn't being asked to 'run their lives around her emotions.' just to be considerate.

OP already feels/knows she has what SIL wants. And OP can be at PIL with her DC even when SIL chooses not to coincide with the DC ordinarily, because PIL wants the DC there. She didn't need to make it harder for SIL than it already is, she could be the bigger person when SIL is clearly struggling.

The OP was insensitive. The SIL was deliberately cruel and insulting.

Involuntary childlessness? Dear lord ! There are single people up and down the nation who never married or had children for what ever reason and you think people are really going to tip toe around then? I'm quite upset by people visiting family over Christmas, my parents are toxic assholes who abused me my whole childhood but I don't expect people to never mention their happy extended family ever again. Nobody even knows its sad for me because quite frankly it would be selfish of me to burden them with my issues. But then again I'm not bitter and that's all that ops sil is , she's bitter and jealous.

That is no excuse. A simple text message would have stopped all of this

Yes “involuntary childlessness”. That is the term for it.

It’s not asking her to tip-toe around it but asking an alleged “best friend” to show a degree of sensitivity towards her “best friend” who is struggling with involuntary childlessness and is clearly depressed.

It’s not like she has no idea how her “best friend” is feeling because they talk about it at length.

I don’t think the sister’s comments or behaviour is acceptable but I also think OP could have handled it better. I would have told her ahead of time so she could either prepare herself mentally or decide to do something different for Christmas.

Also nobody talked about “never mentioning their extended family again”.

You seem to be responding to a different post but quoting mine in error.

I think I would write to her. A nice card or notelet. Old fashioned, yes, but more personal.

I would acknowledge the conversation you had with her where she told you she was struggling, I would apologise for not giving her the heads up that you were pregnant before you announced it.

Then I would try to be supportive. She was your friend before she was your SIL and this friend is in a bad place, she is seeing her future drifting away from her.

I can see why she is avoiding family situations, but she did open up to you individually, friend to friend. So see if you can spend time with her away from the family, even if it's just for a walk. She needs to talk, to get it straight in her own head before anything else. Get DH on board with parenting to enable you to support his sister.

Yep

Sending a simple text message pre Christmas announcement of her pregnancy is not ‘spending all her time tiptoeing around her friends feelings’. Your post is full of hyperbole. The OP was insensitive, clearly.

I don’t really think you’ve done anything wrong. It’s your baby, it’s not one she was supposed to have.

I think under these circumstances I’d just pull back from her completely. If she finds it too triggering to be round your DC, and even her parents while they are grandparenting, you can’t have much relationship with her anyway. You don’t have to put up with rudeness, it’s a better solution all round to just leave her be.

Please don’t expose your DC to someone who resents them.

She had been a bit rude, you have been pretty insensitive.

It sounds like seeing your family and children reminds her of what she doesn't have.

I've been the SIL in a similar situation, not around children though. DH and I have had a very difficult year jobs/finance wise. Whereas SIL has had a huge amount of good fortune financially this year, multiple holidays and a new very large house. While we've been struggling to buy food and have been worrying about defaulting on our mortgage.

I'm very happy for her, and I'm so glad she's doing well, but I admit I've found it very hard to be around her and to keep cheerfully commenting on her various holiday photos and new house photos. I'm aware I'm being bitter and sad and it's not her fault, but I've not wanted to hear about her house or latest trip to Italy/thailand.