To talk to my SIL / best friend about her reaction to my pregnancy?

[almostthreedeep]

I met my SIL (my husband’s sister) before I met him—we were really close friends at uni. Later, I got to know her brother (now my DH) when he came to visit her. SIL was super supportive of our relationship when it got serious—she even helped plan and execute his proposal. At the time, she was hoping her own boyfriend would propose, but instead, he broke up with her out of the blue.

When we had our first baby, SIL was amazing. She took time off work to help after DH’s paternity leave ended and was the most loving, hands-on aunt. I honestly couldn’t have managed without her. Over time, though, things changed. She put on weight, went on less dates, talked about being sad and bitter about being single, and lost confidence in dating. She stopped coming out much and pulled back from our friendship, which I really missed.

When we had our second baby, she wasn’t as involved. I totally understood: she didn’t owe us anything, and I was still so grateful for her help the first time. We tried to keep including her in fun stuff, like family dinners or trips to places we knew she’d enjoy, but we didn’t want to push her. She started declining invites that included the whole family (ie me, DH, kids) but would meet DH or me one on one sometimes. At a friend’s wedding (DH wasn’t there as he was watching the kids), after a few drinks, she admitted she’s still heartbroken over her breakup and scared she’ll never meet someone or have kids, that she finds spending time with her niblings or seeing her parents as grandparents feels triggering. It was really sad to hear, and I’ve tried to be sensitive to how hard this must be for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re spending Christmas with DH’s family, including SIL. We announced we’re expecting another baby (the third in four years) very soon after arriving because I’ve started showing super early, and she didn’t take it well. After the announcement, she made a couple of awkward comments, like, “Your poor vag, she’s been through a lot haha” and, “Why have them so close together? Don’t you feel bad for the older ones missing out on time with you?” Since then, she’s been really short with me, not outright rude, but sarcastic or blunt, and it’s hurtful. Worse, she’s been cold towards the kids, which breaks my heart because they adore her and keep trying to get her attention, only to be shrugged off.

I don’t know what to do. I hate the idea of losing her - we were so close, and I get where her sadness is coming from. But at the same time, this distance and tension are really hard, and I don’t want it to affect the kids either. Should I say something to her? How would you handle it?

What a load of rubbish. She doesn’t owe her SIL sensitivity, sensitivity is just basic decency towards her supposed best friend. The SIL is clearly not the ‘whole’ problem as any relationship is a two-way dynamic. The OP showed no consideration or regard for her SIL by not bothering to text her beforehand and instead blindsiding her infront of her family.

@almostthreedeep there isn’t much you can do for her. Let her know you love her and understand she’s hurting but her comments and actions lately have been unkind and uncalled for.

realistically she needs to accept she needs some counselling or therapy to help heR move on and accept or change her to be able to be the person she’s capable of - and it’s a pity her parents can’t talk to her about this.

She shouldn't have brought your vagina into it.bit crass.

Any hint of pity will send her defensive and as it’s a hard subject to navigate Op, I would just give her space. It sounds like all the family want to help but are at a loss how to and are walking on eggshells. Therapy may help her come to terms with accepting her life as it is.

There isn't much you can do. Tune out any rude comments as she is struggling. Try and see her seperately and dh do the same. Hopefully in time she will feel better.

For this Christmas visit i would not talk about your pregnancy much and if she wants to talk about her own situation be prepared to listen. But more likely just keep it a surface level polite visit.

SIL and I had a few years where things were an issue and she unfortunatley became very bitter about not marrying and having children at about 44. Before that she had just been very sad and I sat up with her many a night as a shoulder to cry on. She was bloody awful to me, I won’t go in to the ins and outs but she was really vile to me. Her level of bile reached fever pitch when she said her friend was making a fuss about having breast cancer, the friend did recover. She fell out with a lot of her friends as she was dreadful to everyone.

At times of great stress and upset peoples innate personality shines through. Some want to talk, some clam up, some cry, some emotionally shut down and some get angry. My SIL lets her awful temper out, DH cries, I just shut down and can’t speak. We are all different.

The very fact you’ve made a thread out of this is telling. It’s very obvious that on your side is nothing but good news; on her side is the opposite (in her mind). You don’t have to do anything. Let her rail and thrash about. It’s SUCKS being her, in her parents’ house, at bloody Christmas time. She can’t escape, she feels awful. You merely have the hint of a fly in your ointment. You can and should show her some grace.

ahhhh so this is one of those posts.

The lonely fat career woman is jealous of my husband and large family.

🙄

she shouldn’t be rude about your kids or your pregnancy regardless of her feelings. A heads up from your prior would’ve been nice or announcing it afterwards.

Oof - walking into a Christmas family get together (which is an emotionally charged occasion anyway, and which she’s probably had to really work herself up to) and making an announcement to the whole room of yet another happy addition to your lovely happy family? Jeez. She must have had to rearrange her face and brain simultaneously for that one to avoid looking like she’d been punched in the face.

As your friend she’s opened up to you about her loneliness and grief at having no partner and no prospect of a family, and how painful and difficult she finds being around other people’s, and you didn’t even give her a heads up? I’m sorry, but that’s really shit.

The things she said and the way she’s cutting out the children is obviously unreasonable, but god OP, she’s obviously struggling with some big emotions and must be trying not to break down crying and/or leave.

I disagree with the people saying it’s ‘just jealousy’. Having a partner and children seem like very basic, achievable aspirations. Until they’re not. If you’ve never been in the position of wanting these things and being unable to see a future where you have them, it’s utterly impossible to truly understand the soul-sucking desperation and sadness it induces in people. It’s not as simple as ‘just buck up and be happy for other people, love, otherwise you’re a big old meanie’. It must be killing her.

I’m sorry for both of you in this situation, but I think you could have handled it a hell of a lot better. Her low mood shouldn’t be allowed to dominate everyone else’s Christmas, but I don’t think getting your PsIL to ‘pull her up’ on her comments is the way to go. Maybe try to have a quiet word with her - apologise and be honest you weren’t sure of the best approach but really didn’t want to hurt her. I know you shouldn’t have to be sorry for your good fortune, but this is one moment where you need to cut her a lot of slack. Plenty of time for everyone to celebrate your good news some time down the line.

She deserves nothing after the way she’d already treated OP, her brother and her own tiny niece and nephew. (You also seem to have missed the part that OP was visibly pregnant anyway).

Where is the sensitivity for OP? Shes put up with one hell of a lot already.

This is a bonkers thread. People really have a low opinion and thus low expectations of single, childless women.

I’ve been in SIL’s situation, going through a break-up at a stage in life where everyone else was getting married and settling down. I never, ever behaved like this towards my friends who were married with kids.

I also have a lot of friends who are single and childless in their 40’s and 50’s and none of them behave like this either! However they might privately feel, they make the most of their lives and enjoy the relationships they do have. Jealousy and bitterness are such unattractive traits.

Posters that think the OP is the one at fault betray a lot about their own attitudes towards single women - apparently being single and childless is a great personal tragedy akin to being bereaved which justifies any kind of bad behaviour.

Apart from not giving the SIL a heads up about the latest pregnancy I really can’t see what OP has done wrong. Is she supposed to put up with these nasty comments and unkindness toward her children forever?

Many congratulations on your pregnancy. FWIW OP, I agree with PPs in that you have tried to be as sensitive with your SIL as possible. You shouldn't be made to feel ashamed at announcing your pregnancy at a family get together, and you shouldn't have to tip toe around your SIL. It's a very sad state of affairs when society has become so victim obsessed, that a woman should feel ashamed for announcing her pregnancy to family members.

As for the personal comments made to you by your SIL, they are both callous and unkind. On another infertility thread yesterday, a MIL was slated for making similar comments about the OP's body (because it is a horrid thing to do), whilst strangely you are being admonished for daring to announce your news. Try not to allow your SIL's spiteful comments affect you.

Why does the OP need sensitivity?! SIL has poured her heart out to her about her struggles and the OP showed no consideration whatsoever- it would have been easy to have sent a text beforehand.

Thankfully your views seem to be in the minority here.

She had probably really steeled herself for Christmas, how to get through it etc. and then as you’ve arrived and imparted your nice news, you’ve knocked her off her feet again. Give her a little bit of space and time, ultimately, you’ll go home with your family and she will be left on her own (I imagine that’s how she’s feeling), so don’t confront it at all.

I doubt the children will notice with all the fun of Christmas, just privately say she’s not feeling well if they’re old enough to ask or understand. Congratulations on your news.

Hi OP,
You sound like a really thoughtful and kind friend, and I can that this must feel so difficult for you. It is not your fault at all and youve done nothing wrong.
Your SIL is obviously in a lot of pain and I promise you that she feels worse than you do. She probably not only feels desperately sad for herself, but also guilty for how she is behaving. As someone who experienced years of infertility and heartbreak before I had my kids I am getting a really clear sense that this comes from her sadness and is nothing to do with you or your kids who she loves.
Think about it this way- this is her family home, and it's Christmas. She feels like she has no where else to go and no where she can escape to and enjoy her Christmas without constant reminders of the thing she dosent have and desperately wants. On top of that she has now found out on Christmas that you are pregnant again (and found out with no time to process it away from everyone.) She is being mean and rude but honestly my advice would be to just ignore it and know it's not personal.
In the new year maybe invite her to one to one drinks/ dinner and just ask her how she is feeling. You could even talk to her about her comments at that point if they keep going. I'm sure she will open up and hopefully apologise. If she keeps distancing herself then that is her choice and she knows where you are. Xx

Just let it go. When friendships drift it's easier to move on with time and distance. But when your friend is married to your brother you're kind of stuck with them. I imagine this is adding to her resentment and sadness. She can't get away from it. You don't need to say anything to her, you know what her issue is and there isn't a solution. So, just let it go. Don't try to maintain a personal relationship with her or between her and your children. She doesn't want to be involved in your life. Being friendly and civil at big family events is all you need to do.

It must be an absolutely awful time for your SIL. I think you handled announcing your pregnancy badly.
Christmas and New Year is the worse time of year for someone like your SIL. It’s the time of year when being happy and coupled up is rammed down everyone’s throat.
I would step back. Tell your DCs that auntie Laura is on holiday/working/with her friends if they keep pestering to see her.
Let SIL decide if and when she wants to see you.

Agree with this. I’m 33 and never even had a boyfriend and probably never will, let alone children. Yes I am sad about it. I feel an intense sense of loneliness, like grieving.

Yet I never have and never will resent anyone else for not being in my situation. I’m happy for them, the more people who are happy and connected the better.

The SIL behaviour is reprehensible. Jealousy and sadness are natural human emotions but you have to work through them understand it’s entirely your own problem. Being childless is the only situation where some people think it’s morally acceptable to attack those they envy. And for it to be object of envy’s responsibility to not upset others.

• Rejecting her tiny, innocent children
• Finding OP and husband so unbearable she can’t see them both at the same time - another rejection. This is demanding, hurtful behaviour that OP has kindly indulged.
• Being a terrible friend - OP is losing a long-term friendship from the SILs behaviour and she’s expected to not have feelings about that at all.
• Insulting her vagina.
• Suggesting they will be inadequate parents.

The SIL owes a big apology.

I'd find it quite weird that someone would choose three kids in four years. Maybe she's just being honest? But I don't see why you need to fall out over it. Your pregnancy is your and your husband's business. She doesn't need to be super obsessed or involved. Maybe she's not crazy about babies and finds them a bit dull. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to be your friend.

You've done nothing wrong OP and she has been incredibly rude and insensitive.

this is daft - you sound like you’ve written her off as much as she has . None of you can be that old . Life has a habit of being anything but a direct route from A to B . Things could change greatly over the next ten years . Ultimately you act with kindness and dignity - all you can really control is your own behaviour not your SIL

You are ridiculous.

She said she doesn't want to be invited to the grandparents' house when the kids are there so we always let her know when they are visiting us or we are visiting them so she doesn't come. But Christmas? She knows we'll be here, the grandparents want us here so... we're here.

SIL is struggling so much she's requested not to be at her parents when the DC are there. Then at Christmas when she has to be there when the DC are there, and so is likely struggling, you made a pregnancy announcement. Ooof.

You can see surely how thoughtless that was? Not only does she have to either be around DC which she finds so hard, or else not seeing her family over Christmas, then that too.

And I will say you do come across as a bit smug OP. 'she knows we'll be here' yes but she hasn't got an alternative has she? It's that or not see her family. Not that you shouldn't be there too of course your family belong there but you don't really seem to get how hard it is for her and how you without intending to have made it harder still.