AIBU to only do a token gift for my 12 yo but more for siblings?

[Lovelysummerdays]

DS wanted and is booked to do an expensive ski holiday with school costing over £1k plus buying skiwear. It’s not a case of everyone doing it as eldest has missed out due to covid. Also not run every year for youngest. Deal was it’d be birthday and Christmas for two years. Trip is in January 2026. It’s over what I’d normally spend tbh.

Is it unreasonable to stick to that? He does have a bit of sad face as I was trying to, gently, manage expectations. I do have to cough up another £200 quid in January.

I do think it’s a life lesson, but at the same time I feel a bit mean.

I think it sounds reasonable in principle. DD and her friends are dancers, and it is super common in their friendship group that the main present for a birthday or Christmas is a ticket for an upcoming workshop or a convention as they’re expensive and usually unnecessary. This sounds like the same thing.

I would not be so comfortable with it being birthdays and Christmases for two years as that’s a long time, but ultimately it sounds like it was explained to the son and he agreed.

I have known other families in a similar situation just say a blanket “no” - eldest son wasn’t able to go so you’re not going either so it’s fair - and I much prefer OP’s approach of trying to make it work.

I know! If you read on then you'll see we dealt with that already.

There’s plenty of kids without laptops, certainly without a laptop of their own. Some kids have no IT equivalent at all or have to share a family PC and take turns with siblings. I’d have been over the moon with a laptop at that age.

Dd needs a new laptop for university and seeing as it’ll be circa 2k in price it’ll certainly be a Xmas/birthday present. And that’s an “essential” item for her course (I’m still dubious that she actually needs the spec she assures me she does 😁)

If you couldn't afford the trip you shouldn't have said he could go, 2 whole years without presents is a lot for a 12 year old.

How much is the phone?

Many years ago one Christmas, can't remember the details but my parents must have given me some money or something because on Christmas day I had a small present to open from my sister-and that was it. It was grim. OP, chocolates/ski goggles/t shirt-anything cheap and cheerful because otherwise he's going to be bereft.

I think 12 is far too young for that arrangement

I couldn’t do that to my child. How could you let him sit there watching everyone else opening presents whilst he doesn’t.

When I was six, my mum made me forfeit my pocket money for 8 months when I wanted a present she considered expensive. I did this willingly enough as I really wanted it, but what pissed me off was that after I got one, my younger sister wanted the same thing and was given it for her next birthday with no pocket money or other 'penalty' whatsoever. Never forgiven my mum for that one! 😁Op needs to make sure she enforces similar for siblings if applicable.

Not sure on this one.

I'd always considered school trips abroad as partly educational rather than just a holiday.

I doubt we ever said no Xmas gifts as we're saving up for your ski trip.

It depends if you're really strapped for cash or this is a matter of principal.

If he could earn some money and contribute himself- pet sitting, car washing, whatever, and contribute that would be a good lesson.

I think you should just have said you couldn’t afford the trip tbh. No presents for 2 years is a lot for a 12 year old to really agree to do.

He will be getting other presents from other people. His dad has gotten him a laptop it’s just no big ticket item from me.

I suggest you and your ex work this out together and make it fair all round.
If there is a big difference in your incomes, why is he not sharing the cost of the ski trip?

Do you talk to each other about what your children want or need?

It's pretty awful for his dad to buy laptop for maybe £1k+ and you're saying his skiing trip has to last 2 years' of gifts and he's only getting £20 from you on gifts.

It's not about the money itself, it's about the disparity and how this almost sets you and your ex against each other in how you treat your sons.

No reason not to have some small gifts to open, but he needs to understand just how bloody expensive skiing is. A useful demonstration of the value of money.

So long as you treat them all equally that's the main thing

We are divorced, I’m paying for the ski trip, he isn’t.

Oh you've reminded me of the Christmas I was 13 I excitedly came downstairs with my 9 year old brother to see what "Santa" had left. Big fat zero for me.. brother got a bike. That still stings

So no Christmas or birthday gifts for 2 years!! That's shit.

Like someone else said upthread, I'd just said no to the ski trip.

Not to not have any presents for 2 years is really quite awful for a 12-year-old. Their brains are not yet fully developed, so even though they might say 'yes' to the deal, they don't fully understand delayed gratification the way an adult might (although tough for an adult too potentially).

I'm sorry, but I feel quite sad for him.

Also, in our family our eldest missed out on school trips but I'm not even taking that into consideration as it wasn't my youngest fault that the whole world closed down. Sadly it's just something that particular cohort missed out on.

But your ex (their dad) is not saying that he can only spend £20 on Xmas/ birthdays is he, for the next 2 years?

Even if you are divorced you should treat you son equally and you're not, even if the laptop + ski trip are equal value.

It's not great parenting. If he agrees with the ski trip, and he has the money, he should be helping you buy a more decent gift for your son for the next 2 years. Not £100s of pounds but more than £20.

That sounds terrible but it really isn't the same situation at all. I'm sorry that happened to you. Did you parents not warn you if they were stopping Santa presents after 12? Hope you have a much better Christmas this year.

With his dad actually. I’m avoiding housework.

It’s not too late to jump to Argos since you’re on your arse doing nothing anyway….