AIBU to only do a token gift for my 12 yo but more for siblings?

[Lovelysummerdays]

DS wanted and is booked to do an expensive ski holiday with school costing over £1k plus buying skiwear. It’s not a case of everyone doing it as eldest has missed out due to covid. Also not run every year for youngest. Deal was it’d be birthday and Christmas for two years. Trip is in January 2026. It’s over what I’d normally spend tbh.

Is it unreasonable to stick to that? He does have a bit of sad face as I was trying to, gently, manage expectations. I do have to cough up another £200 quid in January.

I do think it’s a life lesson, but at the same time I feel a bit mean.

I think that's a bit unfair. If you can't afford the trip, he shouldn't go and it should be explained to him.

But 2 years without Xmas and birthday presents sound sad.

I don't think I could do that, I know it's a lot of money for the trip but I couldn't say 'you're having that ski trip' on every occasion and there be nothing to open...

No I think it's very unreasonable. The holiday isn't even this year, it's 2026! At only 12, probably the last year where Christmas is really exciting I think that is a bitter disappointment on Christmas day, not one but two years on a row. If you can't afford birthday and Christmas l on top of the holiday payments I don't think you should have agreed to the holiday.

Sorry but I think nothing for birthday AND Christmas for 2 years is way too extreme.

If you genuinely can't afford it tou should have said no.

To effectively have no presents for 2 years and sit there whilst everyone else opens them is just so sad

I just couldn't.

Next year his present should be the ski wear he needs for the holiday, so he has something to open.

Will he be getting other presents to open tomorrow from other family members and relatives? If so I think it’s fine to remind him that his present from you is the ski holiday that he chose to go on and that it is very expensive.

I did get him a ski hoodie and a book by a favourite author so not completely bereft of gifts and stocking bits. I’d normally do a main gift, his brother is getting a new phone as his is held together by love and superglue but has survived for four years!

I think two years of no birthday and Christmas gifts for a 12yo is quite hard going. Personally I would see a trip like this as separate, although I might use birthdays and Christmas between now and the trip as an opportunity to buy some stuff they will need for the trip along with some other unrelated stuff. It's hard to watch siblings opening presents when you've got nothing to open and two years of nothing is a long time when they're still young. But it's also tricky if financially it's hard or impossible to do both.

You shouldn't have agreed to the trip if it meant he wasn't getting any birthday or Christmas presents for two years, IMO.

Two years is ages at that age. I would have got the gloves, mask etc that he will need for his trip but can't grow out of. That would remind him that the trip is his main gift and mean he still gets stuff to open. You will have to buy them anyway.

Can you get some photos/ pictures of the ski resort/ log fires/ skis / snow boards he’s going to and wrap them?
ski socks? Gloves?

Personally couldn’t do it with my child but understand everyone is different.

I would still make sure they had nice presents.

I have been the sibling sat there on Christmas Day with no presents. Everyone else was gushing over what they got and showing it off and I just wanted to cry. I didn’t have a trip planned just a mother who excluded me but it hurt alot.

so he gets the trip that none of the others get? that's a great life lesson for the others.

FWIW, OP, I'd have got some of the ski-trip things (gloves, jacket etc) to wrap up and maybe some small things (book, game) just for something to unwrap.

But when you have more than one child, it is hugely important to be fair, and to be seen to be fair. (otherwise you'll find yourself on the stately homes thread in 15 years)

I really wanted something when I was a kid (I won't say what as it's both outing and aging!) and saved up 2 birthdays and christmases to get it, and it was worth the wait - you have to stick to your guns.

I was about to say that a card with 1/4 payment for ski trip in it would be an idea, but actually that might be rubbing salt in the wound!!

He'll be fine, I'd hope, with some gentle reminding he'd committed to this, and enthusiasm about whatever token bit you got for him.

That’s a very long time for a 12 year old. I’d have also bought him some low cost but fun presents and this year given him some stuff for skiing that he won’t grow out of - goggles and socks maybe so he can start getting excited. Next year the main kit wrapped up for Xmas.

He will be getting other presents from other people. His dad has gotten him a laptop it’s just no big ticket item from me.

This.

I don't think it is appropriate at all to make a 12 year old miss out on 2 birthdays and 2 Christmases for a ski trip in 2026.

You can’t afford the holiday. That’s on you

ah - he's getting a laptop from his dad? yeah, this is all a bit "my diamond shoes are too tight"

I wouldn't buy him a big Xmas gift but he'd still get his stocking with toiletries, socks, pants, pj's, chocolate orange, Toblerone, book, game and a selection pack to open.

Sounds utterly joyless and transactional.
A couple of small suprises, lower in value than normal in the year of the trip. Anything beyond that is OTT and creates an unpleasant experience.

Really can't see a problem then! You've got him a hoodie, dad's got him a laptop, he has other gifts and he's going skiing.

If he's getting a laptop he's hardly deprived of presents.

Could you and his dad agree sharing the physical gifts and ski trip as his presents?