AIBU to only do a token gift for my 12 yo but more for siblings?

[Lovelysummerdays]

DS wanted and is booked to do an expensive ski holiday with school costing over £1k plus buying skiwear. It’s not a case of everyone doing it as eldest has missed out due to covid. Also not run every year for youngest. Deal was it’d be birthday and Christmas for two years. Trip is in January 2026. It’s over what I’d normally spend tbh.

Is it unreasonable to stick to that? He does have a bit of sad face as I was trying to, gently, manage expectations. I do have to cough up another £200 quid in January.

I do think it’s a life lesson, but at the same time I feel a bit mean.

I could never do that. We have one and will only have one so I suppose it's easier as we don't have to make things fair. They're only young for such a short period of time and then the magic is gone.

I'd have to give him an interesting token gift or two as well - just not expensive... one or two of these maybe:
ski goggles
cinema ticket
bright skivvy
chocolate
hand knitted beanie
camera
skate board or balance ball
Pack of cards and a book about card games (great for snow trip)

That life is about making budgeting decisions? If you choose to have something then there is an opportunity cost as you can no longer have other things. Big things that cost more will have a higher opportunity cost than little things.

The trip does have a payment plan but I don’t have a spare £1k sloshing around so the £200 that I budget for a main Christmas / Birthday present * 4 will help pay for it. There will be a remaining £300 or so that I am going to fund.

There will be the opportunity through school/ parents to fundraise throughout next year, car washing, raffle tickets etc. If he was to work hard at that then overall cost could come down and obviously be spent on him next year.

Exactly - you aren't teaching anyone a lesson - you think you are because it makes you feel better. Tight. I couldn't look at my 12 year old#s face as they opened a tiny mean pressie.

id give him some presents, but make them practical so although he has stuff to unwrap they are general stuff. At 12yo he will be in prime puberty era, some nice toiletries, clothes, something for his room, poster, led lights, B&am do great consumable sets, big box of noodles/Pringles/jaffacakes.

I think there are plenty of gifts that could be given as token gifts so he has a few things to open that don’t cost a lot and still shows his ski trip is the big gift.

How much is the new phone?

What was his reaction when you originally proposed the two year arrangement?Did you check he really was happy with this - easy for a child to say yes to something like this in the heat of the moment when his friends are probably pressuring to go on the school trip.

'That life is about budgeting' ?!?! Really?!? You think they need a lesson at 12 to learn that they need to budget when grown up?

Tight. Arse.

I think I'd get him a few token bits like smellies, pjs and some robux (or equivalent to whatever he's into).

To be honest though I really wouldn't spend 1k on a school trip. That kind of money is family holiday money in our house. My son is in private school. I still wouldn't spend 1k on any of their trips. I'd do it as a family holiday at a different time and give my son separate Christmas stuff.

If I couldn't afford to do it without stopping most presents for two years I'd have said no. But that ship has sailed now.

I'm hindsight for this year I'd have bought things he won't grow out of, ski socks, goggles, gloves, maybe a nice skiing themed hoodie or fleece in a size up. Then a few books, chocolate, small bits such as a phone case, deodorant set, cheap aftershave, a board game etc. Nothing that costs a substantial amount but gives him volume to open in line with his siblings.

She said she has the resources for the older one to go skiing just not with the school.

Kids don't all get the same experiences at the same time usually.

We have adults down to a toddler. What do you think we do say sorry older ones, you can't a PlayStation, driving lessons, graduation holiday or what ever because your siblings don't need or have the exact same opportunities at the exact same time.

That’s harsh.
TWO YEARS without presents?
I’d have said no to the trip if presents couldn’t be afforded.
Could you buy second hand kid’s ski wear as they grow so fast it’s often in good condition, and get a few presents?

So you then sticking to exactly 200 per child for the rest for Christmas & birthdays irrelevant of what they actually need or ask for over the 2 year period then?

He is 12. Not 16. Having save pocket money, doing odd jobs, saving any extra money he gets for the trip is using it as a teaching moment.

I wouldn't have said yes if doing it put such tight restrictions on 2 years in the run up to it tbh.

I don’t think it’s mean as long as he has some small bits to unwrap on Xmas day. He’s old enough to know father Xmas isn’t real and a good lesson that money doesn’t grow on trees.

I do hate the fact that schools offer such expensive trips. Really divisive and unnecessary.

I see no problem at all with OP's solution.

The child is 12, not 5. He's getting a laptop. He's getting token presents. I'm really shocked people think he is hard done by.

My parents had a budget for gifts and told us what it was and made it up to the same for each of us.

What's wrong with that? It seems very fair to me, and it gave a strong sense of security.

That’s not something we could do. It would be a normal Christmas and the trip as an extra I’m afraid.

Mine is similar plus had a birthday not long back and got a laptop. All the ski gear was bought as a Christmas present but I gave it early to try out. For Christmas day it's just a stocking with little bits and pieces - but this was discussed and agreed long back. But mine is 14 not 12.

But there are people who literally can't do what you describe, because they don't have a spare £1000 for luxury trips.

OP has been guided by her son here. He doesn't need both a luxury trip and two big gifts from parents for each event. Money is finite.

It's not empowering children to hand over everything they want. It empowering to help them understand the possibilities and give them choices.

Sounds reasonable to me, you are getting him a few bits and he's still getting a good present from his dad. Lucky child!

I had a similar arrangement with my parents when I went on the German exchange with school. Up until that point, my siblings and I had similar opportunities for school holidays in 1st & 2nd year.
My brother wasn't at all interested in languages and our parents said that if I was going to do the exchange then I'd be getting money towards it for birthday and Christmas. I was a couple of years older than your boy but to me it was a fair deal. My grandparents also gave me money towards it instead of an actual present.
Perhaps giving your son the £200 to pay into his ski holiday payments would be a better solution?

But you'd happily look at your other 3 kids faces while you sent their brother off on an expensive holiday they would have loved to go on just after having exactly the same value presents as them?

Teaching your kids that money doesn't grow on trees and if you choose an expensive holiday you don't have as much money for other luxuries is an excellent life lesson. And a choice we have to ours even though we could have afforded the expensive trips (at a push). They chose presents. But if they'd chosen the trip I'd have stick to the deal.

Our oldest at uni is doing a brilliant job of budgeting, which might not have been the case if we'd taught him he could have whatever he wanted just by asking

I had a bike one year - it was a really expensive mountain bike - I had it for christmas and birthday. I knew this and had been told this therefore I had nothing from my parents to open on christmas day but my siblings did- i had presents from other family members though. Didn't even question it.

He has a wonderful trip coming up and you have been able to facilitate that by not giving him physical gifts at christmas. Hopefully as well it will teach him about the value of money.

Deal was it’d be birthday and Christmas for two years.

That’s a shit deal to allow a DC to go on a school trip. It’s not his fault that his siblings are missing out on the opportunity due to covid/school offerings.

I would personally not link this to birthdays or Christmasses.

I appreciate £1k is a lot, but you have a year to save up to pay for it. I would set him a reasonable fund raising goal for him to contribute to the costs. Say you put aside £75 per month and him £25 per month and that’s the £1k plus £200 spending money. He can earn the £25 per month by selling old toys or buying/selling things online for a bit of profit, or going round to neighbours and offering to wash out their wheelie bins for £5 a bin or mow their grass or clip their hedges or walk the dog for a bit of cash in hand.

Actually most people aren’t going. His best friend isn’t going and not many out of the wider circle which he knew beforehand.I think it’s 30 kids across 3 year groups but still a couple of friends.

The decision was made over a couple of weeks, there was a big teams meeting and everything. So we chatted, he thought about it. Left it for a bit came back to it. Explained I could pay for it but it would mean no big presents from me. Clarified that dad/ wider family would still buy him presents.

It was a considered decision.