AIBU to only do a token gift for my 12 yo but more for siblings?

[Lovelysummerdays]

DS wanted and is booked to do an expensive ski holiday with school costing over £1k plus buying skiwear. It’s not a case of everyone doing it as eldest has missed out due to covid. Also not run every year for youngest. Deal was it’d be birthday and Christmas for two years. Trip is in January 2026. It’s over what I’d normally spend tbh.

Is it unreasonable to stick to that? He does have a bit of sad face as I was trying to, gently, manage expectations. I do have to cough up another £200 quid in January.

I do think it’s a life lesson, but at the same time I feel a bit mean.

Does his dad agree with your plans?

Surely he can cough up and help you buy your lad a better gift/ any gift for birthdays etc?

It all sounds a bit Scrooge-like to me.

I absolutely could not do this, and I have a child the same age.

If these are the lengths you have to go to, then kindly you can’t afford the trip. Plenty of others also won’t be able to afford it, he will absolutely not be the only one.

Yes he agreed to no birthday or Christmas presents for 2 years but his brain is not mature enough to actually comprehend what he’s agreed to properly - which is why it’s only just starting to dawn on him.

Next Christmas I would absolutely get a few small bits and wrap up his ski kit…but over a year away, at 12….

Just no.

Why are we all sitting on mumsnet policing OP's time on mumsnet?!

She's written 15 short replies over a few hours. Not exactly a case for Social Services.

It all sounds fine OP. I'm sure there are lots of things that will make tomorrow special for him.

People have extraordinarily low expectations of 12 year olds on here. Really disempowering.

I think that a 12 year old choosing to forego consumer tat for two years to get an experience he really wants should be celebrated. He gets a book and a hoody and presumably a reminder that the ski trip is coming.

Or should he be deprived of the ski trip so there is the appearance of gifts he wants less?

I was replying to a poster who said similar happened to them. I'm aware it's not the same situation as the ops

Oh sorry - I can never work out the reply function

I was going to say 12 is too young to really comprehend budgeting of this scale over what is a really long time, but then you mentioned he was savvy enough to ask if he'd still get a main present from his Dad, so actually I think it's ok. Especially as his present from his dad is going to be a big item like a laptop.

So your eldest wasn't given the option of the ski trip because of covid? I think I'd be worrying about them feeling things were unfair if the two younger siblings will both be given the chance to go on the ski trip. Maybe suggest to the eldest there will be the same choice available to them for any other future school trips?

At the end of the day I'd say just make sure you're being totally fair with how much you're spending on each dc, even a hoodie - if it takes the total spend higher than the others it wouldn't be fair imo. Probably because of my own upbringing, db always got more because he was good at this or that, so ended up with extras because he needed them for a trip or to aid him academically because he was so bright.

I think it depends on financial situation, if it's genuinely the only way you can afford it then hopefully he will understand (although if he's already skied I assume money isn't a huge stretch?) if money is otherwise ok we personally don't use Christmas/birthdays for school/extra curricular trips, I have a separate pot of money for that (but only have 2, appreciate it must be more of a juggle with 3, our annual school trips are upwards of £1000!)

I wouldn’t have sacrificed his Christmas presents. I would balance it out another time e.g. put £400 towards driving lessons for eldest, buy new bike for youngest next year.

I used to get this for school trips, my mum used to write out the cheque (to the school) so there was something meaningful to unwrap not just token gifts

If I was your ex, I'd be very disappointed in you approach.

Does he know about this? Has be any opinion on it?

I (as your ex) would offer to contribute to presents for your son so he could have some semi-decent presents for the next two years. Not to 'bail you out' but to help my son.

Although you are divorced, you're both adults and should still be working together on what your sons have.

All dc have same dad, no new partner etc. Back with me now till lunch tomorrow.

Ex is giving son a laptop (and more for all we know)

Twelve year old has agreed to this arrangement so that he can go on a luxury school trip.

He is also getting smaller gifts.

Ex has nothing to complain about.

So basically you’re making him fund his own trip. Harsh. But each to their own.

Jan 2026 is a long way off when you're 12. I absolutely understand the financial bit but I would buy a few presents too.

I'd get him a few small inexpensive things to open.

At that age I had a computer for birthday and Christmas for 2 years - a bit different because it was something I could hold and I got it at the first birthday so had it for all the other birthday and Christmases. I got a book on each subsequent gift occasion and stockings at the Christmas. Was not upset by the huge pile of stuff my brother had. It was something I’d asked for and I was really happy about it.

I think token presents are fine. I might do one focused on the trip so he has that reminder that he’s getting this huge thing in just over a year and one that’s more immediate that he’ll enjoy now.

It’s unfair on the others if he gets gifts like them and a thousand quid ski trip.

Stick to the deal (mine are smart and agree hoping that I would waiver and get something for them ). I would still get them a stocking though (sweets and few small items eg lip balms, fidget toy, socks etc)

Only if everyone else is funding their own Christmas presents

Give him two of those to open tomorrow then!

That's an unfair stipulation to put on a 12 year old. If you can't afford the £1000+ equipment then you ought to have explained the situation to him.

It's one thing to maybe say that pocket money will be reduced by X amount, just so he understands that things cost money. But to have to miss out on 2 sets of birthday and Christmas presents to go on 1 school trip is extremely unfair.

She did explain. He agreed to this arrangement. I really don't think a 12 year old is too young for this choice.

I think a 12 year old is too young to understand a budget that stretches over multiple years.

If I couldn't afford 1k+ trip without pretty much cancelling 2 birthdays and 2 christmases for my child, I would say that's a very strong indicator that I couldn't afford it.

£1200 is £50 a month over 2 years. That is a lot of a money, but I wouldn't have had that cancelling out 4 occasions. I would have maybe said birthday and reduced pocket money until the trip, I'm not sure.

He might have agreed to it, but he doesn't know the value of money at the age of 12. As you say, lots of his friends haven't been able to go and that's fine.

4 occasions just seems a lot.

@SummerFeverVenice

Yes, I know all about all other families, because I’m an omniscient goddess. * What a stupid thing of you to s*ay

Well I assumed you were being goady.

If, in fact, you are not aware that to some families it's a lot harder to afford a laptop than a notebook and textbook, then frankly, you need to get out a bit more and expand your bubble.