AIBU to only do a token gift for my 12 yo but more for siblings?

[Lovelysummerdays]

DS wanted and is booked to do an expensive ski holiday with school costing over £1k plus buying skiwear. It’s not a case of everyone doing it as eldest has missed out due to covid. Also not run every year for youngest. Deal was it’d be birthday and Christmas for two years. Trip is in January 2026. It’s over what I’d normally spend tbh.

Is it unreasonable to stick to that? He does have a bit of sad face as I was trying to, gently, manage expectations. I do have to cough up another £200 quid in January.

I do think it’s a life lesson, but at the same time I feel a bit mean.

The siblings will also be watching him go off on holiday too though.

He has a wonderful trip coming up

Well it might not be so wonderful. I went on a school ski trip and it was utterly hellish as I didn’t know how to ski at all. Which made me the butt of pranks and jokes.

I think it’s fair he pays a contribution out of his Christmas/ birthday money but this is too extreme.

Our budget is £300 for Xmas and the same for birthdays.

I’d do £100 of small gifts for their birthday and another £100 for Xmas and put the ‘saved’ £400 towards the trip.

I think two years is too long for a child to fully understand.

Why assume OP can afford to put aside 75 pounds a month for one child?

This trip is an expensive luxury. It's not up to the OP to budget to make it happen at a cost to the rest of the family. There will be other expenses in that time.

I think this is fine with the favourite author book, hoodie and Dad's laptop. To back track now could seem very unfair to the other kids. Looks as if you've thought carefully how to make the best of a situation where you can't afford both. If you've time today though, could you add in another couple of very cheap but thoughtful items that show you aren't forgetting him? Eg. A couple of small confectionary items he's previously lusted over in a shop?

I have adults down to a toddler. Giving them the same value isn't fair in the slightest. It doesn't account for their interests or actual needs at the time.

And spending 200 on my oldest when she was 11 wouldn't match spending 200 on my current 11 year old now because of inflation. So having blanket spend limit is fair in very limited circumstances imo.

That's not the same though. He's not being excluded, just getting a different (expensive) gift.

If the relationship between the siblings is okay and they aren't all gloating and sneering, I don't see a problem here.

If you were clear from the start then it is what it is. My DD is going on a same price skiing trip next year, I probably should have reduced her gifts a little bit to offset some of it, however I do understand that school trips are part and parcel of it and we are fortunate enough to be able to afford it alongside Christmas so I didnt think to reduce anything.

I don’t agree. Laptops are essential school equipment these days. They’re not a treat or toy.

That's perfectly reasonable if it's the way you do it. The point is that it's fine to have and stick to a budget.

And I think there are benefits to letting children know what that budget is, so they don't end up reading other messages into what they get for Christmas.

(My parents did move the figure with inflation / family circumstances. Ultimately, whatever a child's interests, money is finite).

Unless I was hard up i wouldn’t count school trips or trips with sports clubs as birthday or Xmas presents but that’ s just me , you are not wrong either, each to their own.

Well obviously she can otherwise she wouldn’t have agreed to the trip in the first place. Or you can assume she can’t afford the ski trip, in which case, she should have just said no to it.

Setting aside £75/mo is what a family that can barely afford it would have to do. I’m not addressing my post to a family that usually has £1k extra in their current account and doesn’t need to have a year long savings plan to pay for it.

I think if he's going to get stuff from his Dad and a couple of smaller items from you, then it's perfectly acceptable to stick to the agreement.

It's not like he's going to be sat there with a lump of coal.

She said she couldn't afford both that and the usual gifts - it's one or the other.

Setting money aside month by month doesn't actually make things any cheaper. It's a good discipline if you'd spend the money otherwise. That's all. A family that couldn't afford to go still can't, by that method.

I think if you couldn't afford the trip without him having to sacrifice two years of birthdays and Christmas's then you should have said no.

It feels really mean and I wouldn't be able to do it, it's not like it's a birthday. His siblings are going to be opening presents tomorrow and he will have nothing.

Will his siblings not be getting him presents anyway? (As well as his dad, and the smaller gifts from OP).

This all seems a bit over dramatic

To all of you who need things to be fair, are you planning on helping your children with uni costs? If they don't go would they get a similar amount of money?

It’s not about everything they want. But for us, Christmas is a big occasion. OP wanted opinions and that’s mine. I think 2 years is way too long, it’s not fair.

That isn’t exactly what she said. She said if she did both, something else would have to be cut. She said she allocates £200 per birthday/Christmas for him and that x 4 = £800 towards the ski trip. This isn’t a binary choice, there are other ways to cut other things by less to add up to £75/mo to cover the trip. OR if she truly can’t afford it, then to say no or to figure out how she and DS can bring in a little extra money over the next year.

@Tagyoureit

ok..?
perhaps you have more money than the OP

@frecklejuice

hes getting a Laptop Hun. Hardly nothing.

My dc are relatively close in age though 12 yo is middle child there’s only two years either side. Sometimes I’ve chosen to do family gifts like a ninja line/ trampoline which was used by everyone. Then got smaller individual gifts, had eldest been able to do the trip I’d probably of looked at it as a family gift and taken out of everyone’s budget. As this might be a one off though I didn’t feel it was fair.

To me this sounds fair. The title mentions he will get token presents which all add up too (assuming this is like stocking fillers rather than one gift).
Too many kids end up getting bought tat just so they have a pile of presents to photo for Instagram or whatever. As they get older I think an experience is better, though does look rubbish on the day when they have nothing much to open, but overall I am sure your son would rather the money was spent on what he wanted!

I think if he's getting a laptop from his dad, and he gets some stocking fillers it's fair enough. Maybe you could add a few smaller stocking fillers, chocolates, shower gel etc, perhaps a bit late now given it's Christmas Eve.