AIBU to only do a token gift for my 12 yo but more for siblings?

[Lovelysummerdays]

DS wanted and is booked to do an expensive ski holiday with school costing over £1k plus buying skiwear. It’s not a case of everyone doing it as eldest has missed out due to covid. Also not run every year for youngest. Deal was it’d be birthday and Christmas for two years. Trip is in January 2026. It’s over what I’d normally spend tbh.

Is it unreasonable to stick to that? He does have a bit of sad face as I was trying to, gently, manage expectations. I do have to cough up another £200 quid in January.

I do think it’s a life lesson, but at the same time I feel a bit mean.

I don't think its mean at all. Its over £1000. It means 4 gifts of over £250 plus she has got him a couple of bits anyway. I would just reiterate how exciting it will be to be going skiing and how fab it is he gets to participate when his siblings couldn't and can't. And remind him how disappointed he would be if he was the only one in his friendship not going because he chose some video game he has already stopped playing by the time the trip comes round.

I could never do this.

This! I must admit, this post has really confused me... yes, I realise 1k is a lot of money for some. But if OP can't afford this trip alongside real life, which involves Christmas, birthdays and any other events/days out then I personally would have turned down the trip.
Two years of no Christmas presents for a child because of one trip is very mean. OP says this is something her DS 'agreed to' at the time. But then, we all know, kids will 'give the right answer' to get what they want.

I don't think school trips should be for Christmas and Birthdays. Especially over 2 years.

You can afford the trip or you can't. I can't imagine him having a very exciting day tomorrow.

I agree. If you can't afford it, he can't go.

Yeah this. Tbh at 12, these are probably the last couple of years they get excited about Christmas. By the time you get to teens you start to lose the spirit.

So that's a shame for him.

I'd have said he can go on the trip, but he needs to earn the money back to pay for at least some of it, by washing your car, doing the garden - whatever.

It is truly miserable just to not have a birthday or Christmas (effectively) for that amount of time, at that age.

Also it's not his fault that the trip wasn't offered to his siblings.

My kid would be absolutely devastated to wake up to nothing. I think you need to be prepared for a lot of emotions tomorrow

His birthday is quite late in the year so it’s 14 months or so. I do not have a massive discretionary budget. I’m sensible with money, the house is warm, we eat well, kids do a decent number of activities, holidays we visit relatives or camp. There isn’t a spare £1k in there without cutting out other stuff.

So he was given a choice. He was savvy enough to ask at the time if no presents also meant no presents at dads house. So he knows he will still get stuff there.

Is 2026 a typo for 2025? If not, that's a lot of presents he's not getting in advance of the trip (which could eventually be cancelled due to ill health/weather events/flight cancellations etc etc).

I don't think a child has a concept of what they're signing up to when they agree to this. Having just token gifts for one birthday would be fine but watching siblings have two full Christmases and birthdays whilst opening up socks for 2 years in anticipation of a holiday isn't a very pleasant experience

I wouldn’t have agreed to a school trip that I couldn’t afford to pay for out of my normal budget.

Christmas for me is separate and I couldn’t treat the children differently - I’d sooner have reduced the Christmas budget for the family without any mention of the cost of the trip.

To me that’s U, I don’t really see how a school trip relates to christmas and wouldn’t have used the ski trip as bday and Xmas for 2 years.

DS is having a fortune spent on him at the moment with school and scout trips so I get it but I still got him a few little bits.

And he's a January baby too!

This. Can you imagine if for whatever reason it doesn’t go ahead. Nightmare.

I think it’s fine- he is still getting some lovely presents from people - it’s not like he is waking up to a piece of coal and a satsuma. He has some lovely gifts and a
wonderful holiday to look forward to . Have a nice Xmas

2 years of no Christmas or birthday presents for a school trip? All trips that cost that much have payment plans .
Couldn't you also buy him presents but maybe not spent loads if you didn't have it ?
What lesson are you teaching exactly?

Not a typo. School booked it now so can stagger payments over the year as much more expensive than other trips.

I did the same with mine, the child who was doing the school ski trip that year had small presents and understood why as it was part of the deal if they went. They were fine with it.

I'd just make sure he has some little things to open and maybe talk about (inexpensive) things he'd like to do to look forward to - spending time with you/friends/whatever.

Agree with pp about starting to earn money towards it in a small way as well by doing additional jobs for others.

Someone has opened the wine already 😂

Why post on here then? - I think you’re unreasonable, you think you’re not - you’re the one who will find out who is right.

@Brefugee I agree with you. I was one of three siblings we grew up very poor. My parents were scrupulously fair with what little they had. We all received the same. If they couldn’t afford something for the three of us then none of us got it. That included school trips. Even when my DF was dying he gave the three of us an equal (small) sum of money each.

You're so mean!

as for suggestions it may not go ahead - i am going to assume insurance will pay out and the DS can have all/some of that to make up for lack of presents?

I couldn’t do that. In place of a birthday / christmas one year is one thing but 2?! Mine wouldn’t go if i couldn’t afford the trip on top of the usual. also, i’d still get small things - smellies, book, game depends what he into & also some ski related things (maybe next year) but the trip is over a year away and he’s to miss gifts on 4 occassions & even if he agreed to go on the trip the reality is a lot. He is lucky to get the trip but personally i do think its a bit mean. The fact the trip wasn’t / might not be available to siblings isn’t his fault either.

Yes, you feel mean because you are being mean. I don't have alot of money but went into poundland and bought lots of lovely little bits to wrap. You don't have to spend alot of money but it's nice for them to have a few bits to open. Blimey you can go into a charity shop and buy books which look new! And Beano annual or Ripley believe it or not book for a tenner! Explaining to your child that you're only getting a token gift for them? That's well tight, you are a tightarse.

Yanbu. Especially as he has some stuff, and laptop from dad.

He might be a little disappointed on Christmas day as siblings have more but 12 is old enough to understand. And the siblings will be happy for him, but also a little disappointed for themselves when he goes skiing.