AIBU to only do a token gift for my 12 yo but more for siblings?

[Lovelysummerdays]

DS wanted and is booked to do an expensive ski holiday with school costing over £1k plus buying skiwear. It’s not a case of everyone doing it as eldest has missed out due to covid. Also not run every year for youngest. Deal was it’d be birthday and Christmas for two years. Trip is in January 2026. It’s over what I’d normally spend tbh.

Is it unreasonable to stick to that? He does have a bit of sad face as I was trying to, gently, manage expectations. I do have to cough up another £200 quid in January.

I do think it’s a life lesson, but at the same time I feel a bit mean.

If he is getting a lap top and a skiing holiday and has a sad face I’d be having words.

He knew about the arrangement and his siblings are not getting this holiday. You cannot go back on your agreement unless you can pay for the siblings to have a similar trip.

I’d decide based on affordability. If I could afford the trip and presents, I’d do both and say to the other children when the opportunity for a trip comes along they will get one chance to go somewhere they’d like to too. A 12 year old doesn’t really have a concept of how they’ll feel in two years time or the cost of a ski trip. I personally couldn’t withhold presents for two years unless I financially needed to. Even then I’d be more likely to decline the trip and just do the usual Christmas presents.

I would definitely buy a few things for him to open, they don’t need to be expensive but he’s still very young .

His Dad is not helping fund the ski trip. He is more instant gratification and I’m a planner. I suspect at the time he will buy him lots of lovely things and give him spending money and be wonder dad.

I have to admit this annoys me as I pay for activities and do the grunt work ferrying kids around, he turns up for shows or buys something and kids are all huzzah for Dad.

Meh

I wouldn’t be buying any big gifts but you could get a few wee things for a budget of £25 or less. Nothing exciting-

• photo frame for him to put his ski pics in,

• sweets,

• ski socks or ski sunglasses (decathlon)

• Roll on sunscreen for his ski holiday

My parents used to give us money towards trips / experiences for Christmas and birthdays if that's what we'd asked for. Worked great. If he isn't happy with a laptop, a hoodie and other gifts, what makes you think throwing in another present would help? Is he just taking himself a bit too seriously right now or is there really a need for that much stuff to make him happy?

I don't think you'd be doing him any favours running around trying to compensate.

I’d pay for his siblings to have a similar trip if it was available. I’d have to budget for it though so it’d be a choice of what don’t I do. He doesn’t know he is getting a laptop (neither did I). Just that at my house there will just be a token present as paying for the ski trip.

I think YABU.
Either you can afford the trip, and he goes on the trip, or you can't.
A 12 year old getting no birthday or Xmas for 2 years, whilst seeing siblings opening things, is cruel.
Far better if he had to earn towards the trip, help with jobs, etc or he doesn't go.

I know you say he agreed to this, but I don't think a 12 year old can really comprehend fully what that meant, he probably was just excited and desperate for you to say yes to the trip so would have agreed without really thinking about what it meant and how he would actually feel on those birthdays and Christmases.

If you and your ex were still together, would he still get two expensive gifts for Christmas? As it stands, he's getting a laptop and a skiing trip, so he's hardly missing out.

@Boredlass

not everyone has infinite amounts of money

I have seen your update and, IMO, think he is getting plenty. I don’t buy into big ticket items - it’s unnecessary pressure and expense and sets an expectation.

Two years is to long at that age. I might be in the minority, but no way would I do that to any of my children. It would have been either - I cannot afford the trip or well, if I do pay for your trips, the. Gifts value will be halved until then. But certainly not reduced to a token gift only for two years at the age of 12. And it is worse if the token gifts are in any way ski related. It's horrible really.

Why not give your DS chores instead - things that will save you time and/or money. Cleaning bathrooms, cleaning windows, gardening, bringing bins out, et

I'd definitely have to be getting him presents- even if it wasn't a lot- but things to open, he's too young I think for a lesson that big!

@Gotabadfeelingaboutthis

he is getting presents though?

so one gets a ski trip and presents and the others dip out? at least one pp on this thread has said how that plays out to the children.

So no. Fair is not hogging all the resources for one child at the expense of the others. Especially as the older one missed out due to covid and is a decent skiier.

IMO would have been better to say "no presents for anyone for a year and we all go skiing"

A 12 year old getting no birthday or Xmas for 2 years, whilst seeing siblings opening things, is cruel.

yeah and the other siblings looking on while the 12 year old (will be 14 then?) has a 1k holiday they can't have. So cruel. Very very Oliver Twist-like cruel

Then telling him his dad has a nice surprise for him later might help you feel better.

Let him have and handle his feelings. He's missing out a little in the short term. It's low stakes stuff though, isn't it? It's like saving or working to a goal - a little deferred gratification. Let him build a bit of self respect.

He's not going without.

He's going on a ski trip that he wanted to go on, understanding you can't actually afford to send him on said ski trip unless he chooses it over xmas/birthday presents for a couple of years.

This is unlikely to happen to you. But it did happen to me when I was in Y8. Trip was cancelled a few months before as the travel company the school used went bust. 2 years is a long time in a 12 year olds life. I would prob get a few bits to unwrap tomorrow but you’ve left it very late.

Yes you are being unreasonable.
This is far too extreme.
12 years old and having very little for Christmas when siblings are getting more is unfair IMO, it’s less than £10 a week to pay for the trip over 2 years and if you can’t afford it then quite simply he can’t go- he shouldn’t have to forgo Christmas and birthday.
I think you are going to regret this.

Ok the laptop from Dad in a separate house changes things!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in not spending as much but I’d get him the same amount of things to unwrap, just not as expensive.

I think Christmas gifts for kids are more about the gesture/receiving something than the actual presents themselves.

Blimey, the Bailey's has come out early 😂

Having learned that he is getting presents from other family members - including a laptop from his dad - I think your course of action is reasonable, and it's not as if you leaving him entirely empty-handed, either, even if they are "token" gifts.

Wow i think thats really harsh.... A 12 year old is really unlikely to appreciate the length of times for 2 years...even the most mature...
(Many adults couldn't either ime)

And also even though maybe fab trip/experience.. if they haven't been before its a hell of a lot loaded onto one holiday... What if they hate it/ break a leg on 1st day.....

The responsibility of this is for the parent not the childs..... You are deciding whether you can afford gor them to go....

1dc here would go to anything...
The other much more picky but at the end of the day still children so up to us...

I think it’d be no presents for at least three years to pay for a skiing trip for everyone. Whilst 1k sounds like a lot it’s pretty cheap for a week of travel, accommodation, meals, slope passes and kit hire. Also I’m not a good skier so would much rather school took them.