AIBU to only do a token gift for my 12 yo but more for siblings?

[Lovelysummerdays]

DS wanted and is booked to do an expensive ski holiday with school costing over £1k plus buying skiwear. It’s not a case of everyone doing it as eldest has missed out due to covid. Also not run every year for youngest. Deal was it’d be birthday and Christmas for two years. Trip is in January 2026. It’s over what I’d normally spend tbh.

Is it unreasonable to stick to that? He does have a bit of sad face as I was trying to, gently, manage expectations. I do have to cough up another £200 quid in January.

I do think it’s a life lesson, but at the same time I feel a bit mean.

We have that stuff as all the kids ski, just on local dry slope and Glenshee last year. The other kids are wildly jealous of his planned trip to Austria.

I think it's OK as long as he has some token presents to unwrap. I paid a ridiculous amount 15 years ago for my daughter to go on a trip to Spain with school, she begged and l said OK its your birthday and Christmas present.( more than l would normally spend)She wasn't thrilled when l stuck to it but she had a lovely holiday, which was sold as an art and history trip😁. If l remember correctly it was about £500 for 4 nights.
If he wants presents can you just cancel it now and spend the £200 on Christmas presents? Give him the option.

Well then that's not a token gift! A laptop is much more than lots of kids get. If you're a single parent and also the only one paying for the trip then that's alright.

But if his normal Christmas is something like a laptop off one parent and another big ticket item of the other then in general his Christmases are a lot, and I would perhaps think about pulling back generally in favour of experiences through the year.

Eh ?

That's a bit of drip feed!

I'd have got stiff he'll need for trip.

Ski socks
Lip balm
Face suncream
Toiletries and bag
Ski jacket
Suitcase?

Divide it up over the 2 years and give him something each time.

I can understand not getting a PlayStation or something on top but clothes, trainers and anything he needs can be done for Christmas/birthdays so he gets "something".

He’s getting a laptop from his dad, I’m sure he’ll survive.

Then this is a pointless thread , it's not like he's going to sitting there with a selection box whole other kids have loads🤣

@ZeldaStoleMyCrumpets

'Oh my goodness, poor child. I think it is very mean sorry - surely a few bits doesn't cost the earth but shows love and thought?'

Not unreasonable. His Dad has got him a laptop. He'll have a few other pressies to open on Christmas day including yours so he's hardly Oliver Twist is he?

Not unreasonable but if you have time I'd consider nipping to mountain warehouse for ski thermal underwear, or charity shops for a few bits and next year buy a jacket etc

How did it feel having no birthday or Christmas presents to open for 2 years?

I remember having a ski trip as my main gift when I was similar age, my mum got me little bits like ski socks and a luggage tag for xmas from Tk maxx. Maybe pick up a hat/some gloves as a last minute present?

Totally clear from the start. Quite a lot of his friends are not going due to £££s. He’s a decent skier and it seems like a lovely opportunity however made really clear my present would be ski trip for 2 * birthdays/ Christmas’

The other dc would love to go, especially eldest who is actually really good at skiing but misses out as a year to old . If I was to renege they’d think it was probably really unfair.

Well it turns out he isn't really. It's just his present from mum he's missing out on, dad's getting him a laptop

Can’t you get him a few more small bits to unwrap eg chocolates, a few stocking fillers etc

Fair doesn't mean the same.

One of kids absolutely would love school trips the other no way. So they both won't have gone on them. Should the one who thrives in that type of environment not be able to go because the other couldn't bare being away from home or with so many people?

But the one who doesn't has different interests we pay for that they love.

Making things fair between kids means them all have opportunities to experience things they are interested and supported to become the people they want to be and keeping them in similar financial planning positions imo.

Birthdays maybe but no I wouldn't have tied Christmas presents to it and not for two years at 12.

I wouldn't have bought him a phone but I would have a bought something I knew he liked and was interested in beyond a hoodie and a book.

Is his dad helping fund his ski trip?

The laptop was a massive drip feed. Of course, he’s done very well now.

Had it been without the laptop then I’d think it was really quite mean of you.

I couldn't do that personally. I'd rather buy several cheaper things. Even a box of his favourite sugary cereal would be something to open!

We are divorced so he runs a seperate Christmas to me. I’m doing Christmas morning/ brunch and he has them for dinner.

Two years is too long, imo, it would be different if it was this Jan. What if he is ill in Jan 26? There is just too much riding on it. But, since other people are buying him gifts, I'm sure he will be fine.

I actually think if it was what he wanted and agreed in advance, it is perfectly reasonable and lovely that he gets to go on the trip. I would just give a few small bits (eg a book, a t-shirt some chocs). I think it would be more confusing for all of them to radically shift position at this point.

Unless you really can't stretch to any presents for him I think it's mean- he's only 12 which is still quite young to be able to take this on board when he will see his siblings opening their gifts. Won't his siblings also get expensive trips when they are older anyway making it fair?

£1k for a school trip at 12 year old?

Frankly you couldn't afford the trip by the sounds of it (no shame thats INSANELY expensive, we just told DS he can't go on his GCSE trip at £400) but not doing Christmas or birthdays for 2 years for a 12 year old is INSANE. That is something he will remember forever and will ruin the happiness of the season likely forever at a critical time in growing up.

You're the adult you shouldn't put such a silly option on a child, 2 years is 20% of his life so far he has no real way of conceptualizing that. You dangled what he wanted at the time so he obviously said yes. Its your job to weigh it up, say no and make the smart choices.

He will be getting other presents from other people. His dad has gotten him a laptop it’s just no big ticket item from me.

Then this is a none issue and if he's sad facing because much wants more he sounds rather spoiled.