DH having a rant at me

[Bettib00]

My car was in the garage and my parents' car was in front of the garage so we took my husband's car to go shopping.

My husband's car takes a while to heat up, as it's an older car (15 reg), whilst my car heats up quickly.

Whilst in the car I twice mentioned it was cold and I also expressed concern that the car is probably cold when he drops our children off at school in the morning.

He turned up the heat but I mentioned my feet were still cold. He shook his head and went on a nasty rant about how I have to complain about something every day to him, and he didn't want to listen to me anymore. He proceed to recounted everything I had complained about that was which was a complete exaggeration.

I have hyperthyroidism and a whole host of other problems and I an ND. I was really upset at DH comments. We didn't speak yesterday or today. He will apologise but I don't want to forgive him. He is always belittling me and my feelings.
Shouslnt your husband listen, just listen, without exceptation.

Team DH here. You sound like an insufferable moaner.
As for the car being cold for the kids - how terrible, how will the little darlings ever cope?

HypER thyroidism makes you feel super hot not cold

No, I'm not. He is my husband, I would everything for him if he was ill and bedridden. I wouldn't hesitate for a second but I am feeling unwell or upset about something then surely he should be there for me. Just like I am for him.

Great. So in the exact example you have posted about, 'being there for him always' as you claim you are, would look like 'I feel so sorry for you Bob, shall we swap cars?' Except that isn't remotely what you did. Simply saying 'I'm always there for him' whilst your actions suggest otherwise, isn't much use.

My DH is like this - it is so draining. You need to stop moaning. He’s the same - when I ask him to stop criticising and moaning he says ‘oh I just won’t speak then shall I? I’ll be a mute’.

I can’t tell you how annoying it is. We often argue about it.

I was really upset at DH comments. We didn't speak yesterday or today. He will apologise but I don't want to forgive him.

There is a term for that, op. It's called the silent treatment. It's a form of controlling behaviour used by abusers. There are several threads here by despairing women whose husbands do this to them.

So pull yourself together and start communicating properly.

You know the car is older and colder. He knows and tried to compensate. Yet you went on and on and on and on. Being ND is not an excuse. He must have felt very worn down.

You know you have a health condition affected by cold. You should have done the adult thing and put on warm socks, boots etc.

He is always belittling me and my feelings.

Perhaps he's reacting to how he feels about the way you speak to him.

Shouslnt your husband listen, just listen, without exceptation.

Your husband is a whole other person with the right to his own feelings too. Being expected to just listen without exception suggests you don't seem to believe that.

Sorry OP. Dismissing him expressing his frustration as a complete exaggeration without even considering maybe you do moan a little is pretty dismissive. Why should he be the one to apologise? Why not both of you? It can be really draining when someone highlights their needs in wrong way - sucks joy out of life. ‘When you get a minute… would it be alright if… sorry to be a pain but is it ok if we crank up the heat’ all perfectly acceptable. Moaning about school runs though not really necessary. Sorry you’re ill but that would’ve got on my nerves too.

Shouslnt your husband listen, just listen, without exceptation.
Dear god……no, he shouldn’t.

Be there for you? You were cold, and complaining his car was cold. Repeatedly. Not the same as sickness and health.

What was your concern about the kids?

You sound annoying

I know, my car is a 04 reg Yaris, but it's a decent little runner and I'm glad to have it!

You sound like a nightmare. It's sounds like your marriage is to be endured rather than enjoyed!

OP - AIBU? Most people - yes. OP - no I'm not

I was really upset at DH comments

Maybe he was equally upset at your criticism of his car? Which he could do nothing about. And you now expect an apology before you'll speak to him again There's probably a reason he's in no rush for that.

Read this

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5236601-silent-treatment-for-christmas-again

Get some thermal socks and long johns for Christmas.

My interpretation of this is that in your mind you’re merely expressing your thoughts and feelings in a neutral way, and then your mind moves on to worrying if the kids are also cold since you are, and in your head you aren’t meaning any of this in a critical way. The problem is he does. To him you’re on at him about something he has no control over and which he’s doing his best to deal with. And since he feels it happens daily then it must be a common enough occurrence.

You need to communicate better with him about this. Tell him when you say things which he feels are criticisms, you aren’t meaning to criticise him, you’re just being too blunt. One of the traits of Autism is saying things that are offensive without realising it. You’re doing this. You need to talk to him about this aspect and be open to listening to him when he says he feels he’s being criticised by you again. Instead you’re getting defensive which is not going to lead to any future resolution of this ongoing issue.

You keeping on complaining makes him feel you expect him to sort it out. Even if you don't expect him to it is how it will make him feel. He did his best but instead of saying thanks you complained.

Gently OP I am not sure what you expected him to do in this situation. He can’t exactly set the car on fire can he. And not speaking to him is incredibly childish.

I think im without husband here. God its awful when someone you love complains to you consistently about things. I'd also consider that your tone of voice when you do so probably isn't what you think it is.

You need to apologise first and look at how you communicate with him.

I'm also going to be that person who says I don't think ND is an excuse here. And I say that as someone who is neurordivergent herself.

ND makes many things harder but for many of us it doesn't stop us treating others with respect & consideration and it shouldn't be an excuse not too. Your ND may mean that you haven't realised your communication style (and moaning to him) is a problem, thats fair. What it doesn't mean is that you get away with not doing anything about it.

Usual ND caveats apply as to seriousness - I'm assuming from your post you're able to live What most people consider an ordinary life (job, family etc) and that you can manage basic self care etc.

I don't know why you brought up your children feeling cold in the car until it heats up. That does sound like a personal attack on him tbh - are you implying it's not good enough for you or your children to tolerate a bit of cold for a few minutes but that it's OK for him (and that you should switch cars)?

Cars take a little while to warm up in winter and cool down in summer, even with air con. I can't even imagine the privileged lifestyle one must lead to have cars a perfect temperature before you get in them year round!

Give him a break, apologise to him and then start some self reflection about how you communicate with him. It's not his job to listen to you moan & complain every day.

Shouslnt your husband listen, just listen, without exceptation.

not if he feels you only talk to moan at him. If you know his car heats up slowly, the thing to do would be to take yours (presumably you CBA to do that? due to the other car in the way)

a short car ride in the morning won't adversely affect your DCs

You were just getting on his nerves because you were repeatedly moaning about something that he couldn't do anything about. If you want to have a nice Christmas with the kids I think you should ask him if he wants a cup of tea and apologise in the hope that it blows over before Christmas.
If he keeps sulking after you've apologised then he would be the one in the wrong.

I didn't realise that getting married meant that you had a right to drain your spouse dry of happiness with daily whinging. It's time to put your big girl pants on and suck it up a bit more often.

Sorry OP, in the nicest possible way, what you said in your first post was a non issue and sounds like you was just moaning for the sake of it.

Don't let this ruin Christmas eh, far bigger things to worry about

I hope the OP hasn't stopped reading because we are not sympathising with her. She really needs to read a lot of these excellent posts.

You're just not listening are you.