Silent treatment for Christmas… again

[StyleSiren]

I wasn't enthusiastic about the film DH wanted to watch yesterday evening so he hasn't spoken to me for over 24 hours. Tonight he went into the kitchen and made his own dinner and ate it in the kitchen, then went up to his study. Childishly I retaliated by switching off all the Christmas lights but I am now sitting here crying and steeling myself for another Christmas day in Coventry! I refuse to apologize and I know eventually (after a few days, weeks, months) he will just start behaving as if nothing happened. WWYD in this situation? I don't have family I can go to for Christmas and I don't think any of my friends would appreciate a last minute visitor. I am tempted not to bother putting any of his gifts under the Christmas tree and to go out instead for a long walk and pub lunch (if I can get in anywhere).

So sorry to hear this OP. It’s shit. My dad used to do this if things weren’t to his satisfaction. And at Xmas it was horrible for me and my brother and incredibly damaging. Lots of advice on here. Make 2025 your year to make those changes.

As it's Christmas, I'd hive him one chance to interact normally/nicely by initiating a chat with him. If he ignored me, I'd be off!

Premier Inn, Air BnB, anywhere. I would not leave him a gift. I'd find a restaurant for Christmas lunch (ideally Indian or Mexican, yum). I'd go for a nice long walk if the weather is good and plan how to leave.

Relationships are meant to make you happy and add positive things to your life. Otherwise what's the point? I promise that they are not meant to be this hard.

This is a HIM problem and you don't have to put up with it. Set him free to sulk on his own and set yourself free to be happy.

New Year new life x

I’m so sorry OP. This behaviour is abusive, you are being abused. You deserve better than this and you are worthy of love and care.

You need to make plans to leave this relationship, and then act on them. The sooner the better. I hope you can have a peaceful new year.

Cook all the nice Christmas stuff today and take a gourmet picnic out tomorrow for lunch. Then order yourself a curry or something.

If he asks reply sweetly “Oh sorry, I would have told you but you’ve not spoken to me since I said I didn’t fancy watching bullet train so I didn’t get the chance.”

DEFINITELY don’t give him Christmas presents, return them quickly and put the money towards paying for advice if you need a divorce/ put it towards a rental deposit. Time to call it a day on this one, life’s too short.

Lots of people are saying just leave. I don’t agree. I think use this occasion to establish some boundaries. Things are still fixable- if you and he want them fixed.

Have you seen/spoken to him today yet?

Been there and done that OP - make this the last year you have this Christmas, he’s always going to be like this and unless you enjoy his manipulative behaviour you need to get out.
so many Christmases were ruined for me in so many ways and it’s only now I’m out of it I see just how joyous and peaceful it can be.

Don't put up with this anymore OP.

Make your plans to leave ASAP.

You deserve better than a manipulative, controlling idiot who thinks it is ok to 'punish' you.

The silent treatment is abusive behaviour.

Although it's seen as a form of abuse the reason for its use can vary. Also I know it's tempting to go for tit-for-tat but according to this article it's not at all helpful.

Why is the silent treatment used?
The silent treatment isn’t uniformly used in the same way and for the same reasons. Although it’s leveraged by many as a response to conflict or hurt, the motivations can vary depending upon the individual employing it and the situation.
Conflict avoidance: For those who tend to take a passive approach to potential conflict, the silent treatment can be used as a way to avoid dealing with any uncomfortable situation directly.
Punishment: A person with a more aggressive personality may use the silent treatment to punish someone by withholding communication.
Selective topic avoidance: Someone who’s feeling overwhelmed by feelings they can’t (or won’t) deal with may use the silent treatment to completely ignore and disregard a topic altogether.
The reasons and ways the silent treatment is used in each of these instances may be different, but the result is the same. Pain for the people involved and damage to the relationship between them.

How do you respond to the silent treatment?
...To help ease the tension and get communication started again, consider using the following in your approach:
Give some space
...
Use collaborative language
...
Understand why the silent treatment is being used
...
Have a conversation about the rules of engagement
...

I'd go knocking on a friend's door and tell them what's happened, you might be surprised with their reaction. There's always a seat at mine if a friend needs one and I'm sure your friends are the same.

No one deserves to be treated that way.

Don't spend a miserable Christmas being controlled like this. Get away from him. A few nights in any hotel would be preferable to putting up with this, imo.
💐

I'd go on lastminute.com and book a two week holiday. Then I'd come home and tell him if he didn't start acting like an adult and using words instead of the silent treatment, I would leave him.

Put a divorce under the tree for him.

Sending love
If you were my friend I would be happy for you to turn up !!!

My dad was like this and he was still doing it to my mum when they were in their 80's. It's a miserable existence. It's domestic abuse, you are being abused and you need to get out of this relationship.

It's deeply controlling as its a way of them getting their own way, never being disagreed with or challenged. It will get worse.

If a child came to their parents to say that their best friend at school got the hump about something inconsequential and was refusing to talk to them any more, it would be classed as bullying by exclusion.

This is what he's doing to you, only as an adult it's called emotional abuse.

I hope this thread gives you the courage to stand up to him and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and unless addressed will be the end of the relationship.

Boil it down to the facts - he's giving you the silent treatment for DAYS because you weren't enthusiastic about his film choice. In what world is that acceptable??

Don't put his presents under the tree. Heck, unwrap and return them for a refund or use them yourself if you want/can. Contact a friend - people have so much food at Christmas, I'm sure there'll be space for one more. Go, have a fantastic time and make HAPPY memories for a Christmas.

I second what a PP said - sometimes the New Year's Resolutions write themselves.

This is horrible, I hate people who give the silent treatment rather than have a conversation so whatever it is can be sorted. If you were my friend I'd be more than happy to have you. I would just message them and explain the situation and I'm sure they would have you over no problem. Don't put his gifts under the tree and give him it right back with the silent treatment. If you don't go to a friends I'd book a hotel big bed, big TV, chocolates and even room service 🤣 but going forward a conversation is needed about his communication skills, he needs to communicate and discuss his issues and yous move on from it so it doesn't impact weeks of your life. No more silent treatment and if he doesn't then leave, you can't live walking on egg shells knowing he won't speak to you and make you feel uncomfortable over things like a film.

Oh well done for leaving. Very brave but you absolutely did the right thing for your children. 💐

My DM never left my DF and I've had to go through a lot of therapy to help deal with my childhood but it'll never be right and I'm in my 50s.

The damage done to my mental health has been bloody awful so OP please consider leaving or kicking him out as you'll have a lifetime of this, so will any children.

Why are you staying with someone who is treating you like a child? As parents we are told to ignore the bad behaviour, and this is what he is doing to you, ignoring your “bad behaviour” - in this case disagreeing what film to watch(!) - in order for you to learn how to behave properly, ie shut up, stop having opinions and treat him with due reverence like the god figure he is.

The silent treatment is a tactic of abuse and control. Start with that truth.

Now consider - the man who is supposed to be your soul mate is doing it to you. Indulging in a Worzel Gummidge sulk instead of having a sensible conversation.

I wouldn't do any of the epic retaliation scenarios suggested here. It will just escalate the conflict.

Instead, write out exactly how this is making you feel today, then ask him to have a conversation with you. Stay calm and in control of your voice, language and body language. Set out exactly how the silent treatment affects you. Ask him to change the way he reacts to setbacks, being thwarted, whatever it is. We learn these behaviours in childhood from what we observed, experienced, are taught.

Give him every opportunity to engage in an adult / adult way, to talk to you.

See if he does. Observe his behaviour.

What happens next will give a good idea of what your future is going to be like. More of the same, and worse. Or genuine improvement and a reasonable Christmas.

Then you make your decision. It's in your hands.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-chains/202009/why-the-silent-treatment-is-a-tactic-of-abuse-and-control

Mine to. I feel sad my mum didn’t have the courage to up and leave decades ago. Her life could have been so different .

The silent thing isn’t the only thing going on. Even my DCs call him out on how he speaks to her. Hope OP finds the strength to make the change.

My mother does this.

I would have to grovel and apologise repeatedly for her imagined wrong doing. Over and over again for years. It was exhausting.

Last time I couldn't be bothered so we no longer speak or see each other. 13 years of peace. Life is so much nicer in everyday.

Seriously, walk away x

Take everything you have bought him back for a refund including any of the food shopping you can return and then book yourself a flight out and an hotel or airbnb for a week and piss off without telling him anything.

Then when you get back see a solicitor about a divorce

Is he ND? Not that is an excuse.
My partner sometimes does this to me, but I have ADHD and I can get very emotionally disregulated as a result, I take it as rejection pretty hard. I do end up bulldozing him to give me eye contact and force him to speak to me, not sure if that's a good thing or not.

Ideally I'd like not to give any reaction and act the same as him completely nonchalant, like it's water off a duck's back. As sometimes I think he does it because of the reaction he gets from me, which is me getting annoyed at him, other times I think it's because he doesn't know how to engage in healthy conflict and is resorting to passive behaviour. Who knows, sorry no advice but it's not a nice feeling.