Silent treatment for Christmas… again

[StyleSiren]

I wasn't enthusiastic about the film DH wanted to watch yesterday evening so he hasn't spoken to me for over 24 hours. Tonight he went into the kitchen and made his own dinner and ate it in the kitchen, then went up to his study. Childishly I retaliated by switching off all the Christmas lights but I am now sitting here crying and steeling myself for another Christmas day in Coventry! I refuse to apologize and I know eventually (after a few days, weeks, months) he will just start behaving as if nothing happened. WWYD in this situation? I don't have family I can go to for Christmas and I don't think any of my friends would appreciate a last minute visitor. I am tempted not to bother putting any of his gifts under the Christmas tree and to go out instead for a long walk and pub lunch (if I can get in anywhere).

Stonewalling is a particularly cruel tactic employed by abusers.

Go out, have fun with others, let them know what he's doing. And plan to leave him in 2025.

God I remember this well. Every Christmas, every one of my birthdays, our child’s first birthday, the first Mother’s Day after our child was born.

Please let this be your last Christmas with this low life. Treat yourself to a one off appointment with a family solicitor in January (I think most solicitors close now until the new year) and start making plans to be free of this.

Sadly, this would be playing into his hands. He wants her to (as he would see it) beg and plead for his attention.

I’m so sorry you’re being treated like this.

I think I’d write him a note for now, rather than having a conversation- something along the lines of how disappointing it is that he’s chosen to behave like this over nothing; that you’ll be spending Christmas in a hotel or with a friend unless he uses this morning to put things right and that if something like this happens again you’ll be making plans to leave unless he seeks help on dealing with his emotions better.

I did something similar with OH a couple of years ago. Spent two nights in a hotel. He’s behaved himself since. Previously, I’d end up crying and doing all the work to fix things, or pretending nothing at happened. He knows I won’t be doing that anymore,

Just make sure this is the last Christmas like this. Just leave.

Please don't accept this as any way to live. My Dad was like this to my Mum right up until their eighties. Sometimes for days at a time.

If you even care any more then ask him what he thinks he's achieving by this, tell him it's not avoiding confrontation that it's childish at best and at worst, controlling.

If you can't have that conversation with him then please, please cut your losses and go.

AI generated response.

Stonewalling is a communication behavior where someone shuts down, withdraws, or emotionally disengages from a conversation or interaction. It's often characterized by:
- Refusing to communicate or express emotions

• Giving the silent treatment
• Avoiding eye contact
• Lack of responsiveness
• Tuning out
• Turning away
• Acting busy
• Engaging in obsessive behaviors

Stonewalling is a common response during conflicts, when people may try to avoid uncomfortable conversations or fear an emotional discussion will lead to a fight. It can be a defensive mechanism used by people who feel powerless or have low self-worth.
Stonewalling can:

• Leave conflict unresolved
• Make the other person feel disrespected
• Make the other person feel like their perspective isn't important or valued
• Lead to relationship dissatisfaction, separation, and divorce

Some ways to respond to stonewalling include:

• Using "I" statements in conversations
• Asking for a break
• Addressing stonewalling outside of the conflict
• Taking care of yourself
• Checking for triggers
• Seeking solo or couples therapy

I hope you find a way through it and more importantly look after yourself.

How to take the wind out of the silent treatment sails… Let him sulk. Show no reaction, go out for a long walk, have a bubble bath and paint your toe nails. Keep the lights on flashing and beautiful because you like them and listen to some wonderful music. A song that I enjoy is: Oh Lord it’s hard to be humble when you are perfect in every way… 🤣 look up Mel Robbins ‘let them’ mindset on youtube .. it’s about you feeling good and not letting any person damage your equilibrium

In your shoes I would… Return his gifts.

Use the money to pay or part pay for a night or two in a hotel - maybe at the coast? You might well be able to find a last minute bargain traveling alone- and going to the beach at Christmas is such a lovely thing to do. Make sure you book somewhere that will be able to feed you, or where you’ll be able eat nearby.

Leave him a note, explaining what you’re doing and why, and when you’ll be back. Do not tell him where you’re going.

Pack a good book, lovely bubble bath or similar, pop by a supermarket on the way and get your favourite snacks. Also pack a notebook and a pen- you’re inevitably going to be doing some hard thinking, and getting it down on paper will help you process, and stop you stewing.

Then when you get back, before you walk into the house, take a second to process how you feel. Are you glad to be home and hopeful you can work this out? Are you dreading walking in? Do you feel anxious or flat? Do you want to run inside and tell him it’s his last chance?
or turn the car around and go back to the hotel? Do you hope he’ll be out so you don’t need to see him? And listen to your gut. It will be telling you everything you need to know.

If I was you I would decide this was my last Christmas of putting up with stonewalling, which is a form of control and emotional abuse. He has shown who he is, believe him and walk away. You deserve better

I have experienced this and it's awful DF didn't speak to me for over a year because I disagreed with him over something I was 20 at the time and living at home. In the time that he wasn't speaking to me I got engaged, celebrated my 21st and thankfully left home. He spoke to me on my wedding day to ask me if I needed something and I nearly passed out with shock. That was the only thing he said that day though.

It's hugely abusive OP if you can find the courage to leave then please think about it, this man is a nasty individual and your life will never be any better if you stay. Do you really want this for yourself?

I’ve assumed no kids, btw, from your post.

If you can find a friend to go to, please do! I think many would be glad to have you. Getting the silent treatment is the absolute worst feeling, and to do it at Christmas is especially controlling.

I really hope you manage to have a good Christmas somehow. Maybe next year you could have it without him. x

If you can make any other plan today then do it, and make it the last miserable time you spend with him

This is narcissistic behaviour,a way to control you.Narcisists have to spoil special events,birthdays,Xmas,days out with family.Please get rid of this childish controlling man.Might sound extreme but your whole life will be miserable,walking on egg shells,second guessing what mood he will be in causing you great anxiety and making you ill mentally and emotionally.

Please leave, we are in Liverpool if you really have nowhere to go tomorrow come to us we’ll budge up and feed you.

This. Give yourself the best ever Christmas present and dump his sorry arse.

I grew up with the silent treatment used for any and every imperceptible slight. It’s not ok. Get rid.

You don’t say if you have children but for their sake (and your own ofc) you need to call time on this. My DP grew up in a house where this behaviour was and is rife, and the damage it does is awful.

What a complete arsehole. He must have been looking for something to sulk about.

Have you confused op with yourself? Because she sounds fine, whereas you.....

Haven't read the full thread but do you have children? If not just leave. Silent treatment is emotional abuse, it's used to get the victim to comply with them.
How childish he has given you the silent treatment because you had a difference of opinion on the film. So silly of him!

I grew up with my father doing this. He would glare in silence and just shut down sometimes for days or longer. It terrified me when I was young (only child) and had an extremely negative effect on my relationship with both my parents.

He is elderly, frail and alone now and needs me. I try to help him but I cannot forget years of that and it affects how I feel. He still does the glaring even now if something isn’t right for him.

If there are children involved it wil be affecting them too. I really hope you’re okay, it’s an absolutely horrible way to behave. People that do this can’t deal with conflict and expect everyone to tread on eggshells. W

This is abuse. He will never change. The only thing you can do is LTB.