Silent treatment for Christmas… again

[StyleSiren]

I wasn't enthusiastic about the film DH wanted to watch yesterday evening so he hasn't spoken to me for over 24 hours. Tonight he went into the kitchen and made his own dinner and ate it in the kitchen, then went up to his study. Childishly I retaliated by switching off all the Christmas lights but I am now sitting here crying and steeling myself for another Christmas day in Coventry! I refuse to apologize and I know eventually (after a few days, weeks, months) he will just start behaving as if nothing happened. WWYD in this situation? I don't have family I can go to for Christmas and I don't think any of my friends would appreciate a last minute visitor. I am tempted not to bother putting any of his gifts under the Christmas tree and to go out instead for a long walk and pub lunch (if I can get in anywhere).

Why does the OP sound shitty? Because she didn’t agree to his choice of film? Because in my world you and your partner are allowed to have different opinions without one kicking off and going off sulking like a baby!

God how awful. Can he not use his words like a grown adult?

OP no-one deserves this.

So does he engineer an argument every year?

If a friend of mine told me her DH treated her like this there would be no way I'd refuse an extra for lunch (or even a few days/ weeks whilst you sorted somewhere else permanently away from him!)

You deserve much much better and I hope 2025 os the year you get it.

I would get childish satisfaction from playing top volume Christmas music or some other music you like he doesn't. If you have Alexa in your house don't forget to say Alexa 'play everywhere'. And I would cook and eat all the Christmas food for myself and drink the drinks. Or I would invite friends round for the party. He can't complain as he's not speaking haha. I would return his gifts or sell them on eBay. Take a nice long bath with candles, do a face back, do your nails, go out for a drink or a nice meal. Sod mr Grinch, yu don't need him to have fun and enjoy Christmas. He is TRYINGa to ruin your Christmas, show him it takes more than a mardy arse man to do that.

You definitely should not cook a Christmas dinner for this ungrateful twonk.. unless he issues you a full apology and offers and actually does help at the very very minimum.

I can't believe you say you can't stand ANOTHER Christmas like this ..so he has form. Yet you are still there...do you have kids and are just staying for them, or are you just a glutton for punishment? Just leave!

This is just escalating the situation.
It won’t resolve it. There will be a time of feeling very satisfied but ultimately it won’t do any good for either of them.

She’s be better off sitting down and speaking to him. Telling him how upset she is, how unreasonable he’s been and how she wants to separate.

However, OP, and this is VERY VERY important, if you think there is even the remote possibility that this will make him violent you have to leave without saying anything to him. Get your things in order. Find somewhere else to live. Make a safe plan and follow it through.

@StyleSiren

Can you see if you can get a hotel booked for tonight and tomorrow night?

That's what I'd be doing if my DH decided to 'ghost' me in my own damn home !

(Even if you've got kids, you could make it into a special treat for Xmas, just bring all their presents with you)

Been there. Years of intermittent silent treatment for no reason. Complete hell. Make no mistake, this is about power and control. It's emotional abuse.

This dreadful behaviour is a core part of his personality, and you're not going to be able to change it.

At the heart of all male abuse of female partners is the belief that you are less than them because you're a woman. There's a lot of it about, it can be very subtle, and many men hide their real feelings about women very well.

Read the book "If He's so Great, Why Do I Feel so bad?" by Avery Neal. And also Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

The silent treatment for no reason is a key tool in the abuser's arsenal.

Yep, heavy criticism listing all my faults and / or silent treatment. If we went out I either talked too much and bored everyone or didn’t talk enough and made everyone uncomfortable… left him the day after Boxing Day nearly 9 years ago. DD and DS were 4 and 21 months and we have mostly lived happily ever after since!

Have you tried to talk about it ? That would be my first step. Doesn't need to continue, have a conversation about what's underneath this.

Absolutely not ok behaviour from him! I’m sorry you’re going through that.

When my DM’s friend was having a tough time last year with her abusive twat of a H, she was immediately invited to join us for the day. We already had 12 people over for Christmas so what’s one more? If you were my friend, you’d immediately be invited.

Are you serious? She didn't like his film choice so she's "shitty"?

The posts about some men ruining special occasions is interesting. They ruin weekends, too. The emotional abuse is always worse at weekends, and then come Monday morning, the cycle of abuse ends and they're all sweetness and light again.

There is no fixing men like this.

You don't have to put up with this. This is the first thread by a wonderful lady with a similar husband. There are a lot of threads but they are easy to find. It was a long, hard process but she broke free and is living her best life. They are worth reading even if just her posts.
You deserve better.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

this is so unhealthy bless you

Start putting your needs first, it's the only way.

WWID? Leave. It's abuse. It was one of the many techniques my ex had in his armoury of emotional abuse.

Leave. You won't regret it. A happier life awaits you. Make this your last Christmas with the abusive, sulky manchild. Of course it will all be your fault anyway (it's not), as he'll not take responsibility for his actions.

Unfortunately the silent treatment, by definition, precludes any attempt at communication.

My dad does this - I remember one Christmas when my parents didn't speak to each other for an entire week because my mum dared to change the TV channel after my dad fell asleep watching something she didn't like🤷🏻‍♀️ It's so toxic and damaging - you don't mention any kids but if you have them you need to call this out for their sakes. It took me decades of therapy to learn that this wasn't normal and how to communicate properly. I would also absolutely welcome any friend of mine to join us for Christmas if their partner was behaving like this.

As everyone else has said (apart from that one goady Grinch poster), this is abuse and you deserve so much more. He has shown you clearly that he only cares about controlling you and making you unhappy, so you need to start caring about yourself. You can do it OP.

sell his gifts on Facebook marketplace.

Then book yourself a hotel if you can, leave him to sulk on his own, and then make a plan to leave. You can do this op.

This is not normal healthy relationship behaviour. He is a selfish narcissistic man child. The only way to deal with this behaviour effectively is to walk away.

In the short term please reach out to friends. I know I would be upset if one of my friends was going through this and didn’t feel they could reach out especially at this time of year and I would always have room in my house.

Then start thinking long term and make decisions. You do not deserve to be treated in this way, no one does. Thinking of you

Don't make my mistake and stay with him OP. I suffered exactly this for years. Made the mistake of "staying for the kids" but eventually he became abusive to them too as they grew up. Life is really too short to stay in an abusive relationship.

I most certainly would not be putting presents under the tree for him? Are there children? If not, I'd not be cooking Christmas lunch either.

The walk sounds like a good idea, or book into a hotel for the day/night. Time to get organised to get this loser out of your life, because it only gets worse.

My abuser died this year and this will be the first Christmas in many years that won't be ruined with his sulking.

All over a film choice . Sorry I couldn't live like that , how on earth does he behave when important things don't go his way