Please, I need to get this off my chest.

[Vanillaskieshazeleyes]

Hi, I've posted before about generic things. But this is something I just cannot talk to people about in person.

Been with partner 13 years. Around 8 years ago he started mentioning me sleeping with other men.

That was a firm NO. Wouldn't dream of it. He sort of played it off as just a fantasy & I STUPIDLY played into it. It's now consumed him so much.

Every single time we're intimate he talks about it. I've said i don't mind now & then talking about it but every time just seems excessive. Anyway, the past few years he's been horrendous with it. Like a dog with a bone.

He's consistently encouraged me to go sleep with someone. I've said no, he said it that much that I said ok I'm going out to do it (I never I sat in my car for an hour) came back & he caused a scene about it. So obviously he didn't want me too do it the whole time.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.

I'm absolutely devastated I've allowed this to go on so long. I've probably missed lots out, sorry. I'm 29. I feel like I've been under some form of abuse where sex is concerned. But I doubt I have. I want to leave him, I'm done with the whole situation. I could've lived with a fantasy. But he virtually sexual harasses me to sleep with other men.

I'm so glad I never did sleep with anyone. I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him. I don't need judgement. I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you x

This is insane I am sorry your going through this op I would in these circumstances leave you definitely can do better

His behaviour and obsession in not healthy or normal - it has gone beyond a sexual fantasy to spice up.your sex life.

He needs therapy. You need to get yourself away from him.

I've been in a similar situation OP, had an ex that got very 'excited' about the idea of me sleeping with other men (for his own gratification, nothing really to do with me!). Essentially he's using you as a tool for his fantasy. That's not cool, you are a person in your own right, with feelings that aren't being respected.

If someone is into that, fine, but you both have to be on board and I absolutely wasn't, even the suggestion made me deeply uncomfortable. He would go on and on about which ex I could potentially contact to set up sex, wanted me to tell him all about it afterwards. Totally not my thing.

Don't let him pressure you OP. You are allowed to leave a relationship for any reason and him not respecting your boundaries and pressuring you are well beyond good enough reasons to end it. As for him 'wanting a turn' and 'having a go?!' Wtf? What does he think you are?!Absolutely disgusting.

You are absolutely right that you have done nothing wrong.

It is abusive, it’s emotionally abusive, even with nothing else this sexual harassment is unacceptable.

So yes, please walk away. What is holding you back right now? Is it thinking you’re not entitled to leave? Is it concerns about the practicalities? We can help you work through those.

Why are you staying with someone who has no respect for your boundaries.

He is basically a disgusting pervert who personifies rape culture.

Ditch the sex pest please. You'll feel so much better.

I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him.

Ok, you tell us how you think you can most easily leave him (good decision).

Do you live together? Own or rent? Any joint children or property? Do you have anywhere to go? Have you thought about how to tell him or not tell him you are off?

And most importantly what support do you have in RL? Leaving a long relationship is hard even if the person being left is a total and utter idiot.

You can do it.

He's gone past sexual fantasy Op, now it's obsession. He's at the point where this could be dangerous to your mental health.

Thank you for the replies x

We have two children together (they have never been exposed to any of it) in case someone suggests that.

It's council owned home. I am no contact with the majority of my family. That's for another day.

He's extremely manipulative with me. I've said I want him to leave after Christmas & it's all the sob story of how he loves me, its all my fault, how could I leave him with no support but I can go sleep with a random man. I haven't even wasted my time telling him I actually didn't sleep with anyone.

He probably wouldn't believe me anyway.

I'd just like some emotional support. Because deep down I still care & that makes me feel like putting up & shutting up. When I know in my heart it's not right. X

It's a nice council owned home. I pay the rent. I've done a lot to it & I really don't want to have to uproot the children. I'd rather he go, but he's not going to go without causing a scene x

Are you both on the contract?

I think it's just me but I can't say for certain

Well let him cause a scene. It can't go on forever, once it's over it's over and you're free.

You need to check your tenancy agreement. Give him a deadline to move out and help him pack. If he refuses to leave then call the police. You could also contact your housing officer for advice.

You need to get rid off him OP, he has no respect for you, you're just a bit part in his porn addled fantasies.

Check your agreement, call your housing office if you aren't sure or don't have access to it.

Of course he is sexually abusive. You told him no over and over, yet he continually coerced you to do it, to the point that you had to pretend just to get him to shut up about it.
This will not get better, so make your plans to get away from him ASAP.
Be sure to let him know that you never did have sex with another guy, that you just said you did in the hope he would back the fuck off. Otherwise he will tell people you cheated on him, if he hasn't already.
This has all been a power and control thing on his part. He just wanted to be able to force you to do it. When he finds out it didn't actually work, he'll probably be enraged. So tell him after you are safely away. Men like this can be dangerous.

He has a fetish. Men with a fetish are grim. Feed a fetish and it grows, he will never be satisfied
Don't let him put any blame on you. Start divorce proceedings and get him out

Honestly I'm that fed up that if he did tell people I'd cheated, I wouldn't even care if it meant having my peace.

Luckily we're not married. But we do share two children. I'd never stop him being a dad. But it does make ending things with him all that more harder.

It's not right and please don't do it! Get him out. He may throw a fit about it, but if you pay the rent and he's not on the lease, he's shit out of luck. Change the locks when he's out and leave his things outside the front door.

He doesn't see you as a human being OP, let alone his wife and mother of his children. You don't really "care" for somebody that views you only as a channel for his sick male fantasies. You think you love him but you are actually co-dependent. This situation is only going to get much worse, trust me, and eventually the children will hear or sense something that will damage them. If you don't care about yourself then at least think of them. Check your tenancy as a priority and get rid of this toxic man child.

If you have been together for 13 years he has done a job on you, he has conditioned you to very nearly agreeing to this bizarre idea of his.
That French guy with the drug fuelled rapes started small.
Wait until the next event that is serious then call the police and SS.

This doesn’t sound healthy at all. I think you need to move on. Best wishes

I definitely didn't agree on the basis on actually doing it. And I'm not in the same category as that lady. She's been through unspeakable things. Obviously, I know what you're saying, it has to start somewhere. But I'd rather my words weren't taken the wrong way. There's no way on God's green earth he'd be allowed near our children, if i even had a whiff of it turning into something like that French woman's life.

I've already told him it's over & he has to leave after Christmas. But now it's the guilt tripping & how I'm ruining our family, taking the children's dad away from them. There's no point in me engaging in any thing he says, he's absolutely incapable of seeing WHY I'm leaving x

If it was your tenancy and he moved in then its yours alone unless you actively requested he be added to it. You can usually tell by the letters you get from the council about the annual rent amounts . If its in both your names then he is on the tenancy - if your name alone then definitely just your own tenancy and you can change the locks and throw him out.