Please, I need to get this off my chest.

[Vanillaskieshazeleyes]

Hi, I've posted before about generic things. But this is something I just cannot talk to people about in person.

Been with partner 13 years. Around 8 years ago he started mentioning me sleeping with other men.

That was a firm NO. Wouldn't dream of it. He sort of played it off as just a fantasy & I STUPIDLY played into it. It's now consumed him so much.

Every single time we're intimate he talks about it. I've said i don't mind now & then talking about it but every time just seems excessive. Anyway, the past few years he's been horrendous with it. Like a dog with a bone.

He's consistently encouraged me to go sleep with someone. I've said no, he said it that much that I said ok I'm going out to do it (I never I sat in my car for an hour) came back & he caused a scene about it. So obviously he didn't want me too do it the whole time.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.

I'm absolutely devastated I've allowed this to go on so long. I've probably missed lots out, sorry. I'm 29. I feel like I've been under some form of abuse where sex is concerned. But I doubt I have. I want to leave him, I'm done with the whole situation. I could've lived with a fantasy. But he virtually sexual harasses me to sleep with other men.

I'm so glad I never did sleep with anyone. I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him. I don't need judgement. I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you x

I've said I want him to leave after Christmas.

If its only your name on the tenancy then definitely tell him to leave, don't wait until after Christmas.

If its both you need to ask him again to leave and if he won't you get your name removed, stop paying the rent immediately and sort out another place to live.

This person is in need of some serious therapy.

Check with your council

True, that is an extreme case but as I said in my previous post, he isn't going to suddenly come to his senses. This obsession will (and by your own admission has) got worse. Something's going to give OP - you need to think this through very carefully. This is making you desperately unhappy and possibly unsafe. Your husband wants to basically pimp you out. Is any of that OK on any level for your kids? I lived with an alcoholic DH for years. Despite years of humiliation and control, I still thought that things would get better. Every morning when I woke up I thought today's the day. I just couldn't see how fucking awful the environment I was living in really was - until I finally did. You've asked for advice, now listen.

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It's utterly grim. It is abuse. The council will have officers trained in domestic situations so I urge you to contact them. An occupation order might be necessary if he won't go. Also contact Women's Aid. This relationship is over. It doesn't mean he can't parent your kids but my goodness you deserve some peace

Ring Women’s Aid and get some support, you will need it.
This is sexual and emotional abusive and coercion.
You have been with this man since you were 16, and I don’t want or need to know, but I can’t imagine you had many partners before him if any at all.
He will know that, and something that’s crossed his mind has now grown into a very dangerous obsession. He is mentally unstable and while he might be fine around your children I think he’s a very, very worrying individual.
He will know you’ve not slept with another man. I mean how in earth would you arrange to meet a complete stranger in an hour? But now he has a stick to beat you with.
I did hear a discussion about the French case with Gisele P before and sadly some men who do truly awful
things start somewhere. This man has been badgering you for 8 years. You were just 21. It’s absolutely repulsive.
You sound like a really bright and intelligent young woman. Do not listen to any pleas, he will I am sure try anything to stay, because it suits him.
Keep posting on here there are lots of experienced posters to offer advice.

I would be spurred on to leave him by the very real possibility of him taking things into his own hands and drugging you and inviting men round. Or even worse, you not being drugged and him inviting men around to help themselves to your body.

He sounds like a total turd. You're doing the right thing. I hope you find the courage to follow it through.

Thanks for all the advice. I really don't want this to be turned into something it hasn't & wouldn't regarding being drugged and sexuallt assaulted. I 100% agree. Things like that start somewhere, but that's one thing I can say for certain wouldn't happen. That is in no way, shape or form me defending him. & under no circumstances would he be allowed near our children if I had any concerns in that department.

I'd actually take the kids & run. I'd live in my car with them before I'd allow them around him if I was concerned in that area. I'm not, so please don't insinuate things like that.

I absolutely will be leaving him. I just needed some words of support. Which a lot of you have given & I'm grateful x

He's a pervert with a fetish. Dump him and run.

Yep, paraphilia are the worst and unlike mental health problems in women, men always make it our problem. Can you imagine having recurring fantasies and trying to drag someone else into them, worse get someone else to perform them, that clearly has no interest?? Yuck, get rid.

Don’t DONT stop paying rent .

Speak to your housing officer. If the house is in your own name you will be able to get him to Move out. If not then your Landlord will give you advice, as you are ending your relationship because of domestic abuse ( abuse isn’t just violence , coercion is also abuse ).

It’s not abuse. It’s just a fantasy. You’re not interested in playing along and should have left years ago. Sexual incompatibility is extremely difficult to overcome and over the past eight years neither of you has wanted to.

Let him cause a scene and get a restraining order out .

Op contact women’s aid Tomorow. .
I hope you find the strength to end it . ❤️

He sounds horrible. .I feel for you

I can’t believe he asked when it’s his “go”
like you are a peace of meat he has serious issues.
Don’t let them or him be yours anymore

I had that thought too.

I didn't mean stop paying rent if OP is the ONLY name on the tenancy, that never ends well.

But there's no way I'd let him live rent free while treating me like shite, but if OP ends up moving out and they are named on the tenancy and he stays she needs to get her name removed ASAP as if he stops paying the rent she will still be liable.

It absolutely is abuse when he tries to coerce her into doing it after she has repeatedly said no.

You said you’ve been together 13 years and you’re 29.

You were 16 when you got together. Is he the same age as you or a lot older than you?

It sounds like he's part of the cuckold community online. It seems to be the latest fetish. These men find each other online and stir themselves up to be more and more extreme.
He isn't viewing you as a whole person worthy of respect. Just as a thing to be used.
Don't waste your time thinking of his wants and needs. This is where men use women's empathy against us, and they do it deliberately because they're selfish and manipulative.
Use your inner strength and do 100% what a right for you.

Well I'd say the first thing you need to do is find out whether it is just you on the tenancy. Do you have an account you can check? Otherwise check with the council - they will be open at least in the morning.

Then you need to take advice about how to get him out. I would say that you are in an abusive relationship, so Women's Aid or one of your local charities can advise you on how to get him out.

He’s literally a sex pest. His behaviour and persistence is abhorrent, as you have made it very, very clear you are not interested.
I’d second speaking with women’s aid and getting your concerns documented somewhere.
You’ve done absolutely the right thing in asking him to leave and don’t fall for the sob story. He’s pathetic and your life will be so much better without him. There’s also an option to try for an occupational order to remove him from the property or a non- molestation order if you feel this is domestic abuse. There are other organisations, but I recommend the National Centre for Domestic Violence as I’ve had contact with them in the past - you can just call them and sound out your situation.

Trying to coerce your partner into having sex with strangers is fucking abuse.

It’s abuse OP, he means to control you.
I went through the same thing at a similar age with my ex.
Just leave him and seek to learn about the Shark Cage theory, setting boundaries etc.

He has a fetish and not only is he trying to coerce you into doing it, then he turns around and shames you for it. Even if you were open to actually doing it, he has shown he has no respect for you and your sexual life.

If you can manage to, leave. If he says you cheated you can simply tell people the truth: he has a cuck fetish.

If you don’t feel like you can leave him, sit down with him for a serious conversation and get him to consider counselling. The fetish isn’t magically going to disappear.

When is his go?!?!

You are a human being not a sex toy or doll.

He's disgusting.

Don’t be so defensive of yourself here. The point of the comparison is to WAKE YOU UP to the very real danger men like this pose to women. The children are not the only important people in this story. You matter too! He has fucked you over for 13 years. Kick him out.