Please, I need to get this off my chest.

[Vanillaskieshazeleyes]

Hi, I've posted before about generic things. But this is something I just cannot talk to people about in person.

Been with partner 13 years. Around 8 years ago he started mentioning me sleeping with other men.

That was a firm NO. Wouldn't dream of it. He sort of played it off as just a fantasy & I STUPIDLY played into it. It's now consumed him so much.

Every single time we're intimate he talks about it. I've said i don't mind now & then talking about it but every time just seems excessive. Anyway, the past few years he's been horrendous with it. Like a dog with a bone.

He's consistently encouraged me to go sleep with someone. I've said no, he said it that much that I said ok I'm going out to do it (I never I sat in my car for an hour) came back & he caused a scene about it. So obviously he didn't want me too do it the whole time.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.

I'm absolutely devastated I've allowed this to go on so long. I've probably missed lots out, sorry. I'm 29. I feel like I've been under some form of abuse where sex is concerned. But I doubt I have. I want to leave him, I'm done with the whole situation. I could've lived with a fantasy. But he virtually sexual harasses me to sleep with other men.

I'm so glad I never did sleep with anyone. I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him. I don't need judgement. I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you x

So it shows that he wants you to sleep with someone just so that he has a stick to beat you with for life.

No one will judge you here, you have made the right decision to leave.

I suspect it’s just to have something to hold her over. She can never complain about anything he does because his response will always be ‘well you slept with another man’.

Even though he knows she didn’t.

if you've been with him since you were 16, time to leave, spend some time on your own and then a better relationship with someone that treats you with respect.
Is your partner the same age as you?- it doesn't sound as if he has moved on from being 16/

When you say he is asking "when is his turn", I presume that means you have not had sex with him since the situation of pretending to have had sex with someone else? In which case, good. Keep that up and get rid of him asap.

The thought of it all being a little roleplay for him makes me feel sick. He sounds like a proper pervert, even though I'm sure he comes across as perfectly normal on the surface

Semi related, as a young 13/14 year old on the bus in the summer, me and my friend were wearing normal shorts and legs up on the seat. We noticed the man near us was taking photos of our legs. We didn't know what to do and it was all very scary especially at that age, but my point is that he looked like such an average, normal man, but was actually a disgusting pervert. Suit, tie, briefcase, no stand out features, wouldn't have earmarked as creepy at all.

When men look and act "normal" so to speak it's more difficult to believe that they would ever be so devious or dark minded. I can totally see how OP ends up at this point, it starts as little things and spaced apart until one day he's pestering her constantly and can't have sex without bringing It up.

Tell him his family is broken not because of you, because of him. Good dads don’t do things like make mums have sex with other men.

He's a deeply sick man - be persistent with him going - he's used to manipulating you - abusive - yes contact women's aid - check if he's on the tenancy but the relationship needs to be over. I hope you have some friends you can rely on and if he gets threatening to you CALL the police - the usual tactics is threatening suicide. What is wrong with lots of men?
Stay strong

OP, it seems like you’ve made your mind up about him leaving.

Check the tenancy agreement and I’d also advise contacting Women’s Aid for real practical advice. This sounds like a deeply abusive relationship, I’m sorry that is the case. I think once he no longer lives with you and you have time to reflect you may find other aspects of the relationship to have been abusive but normalised due to you both being young when you got together.

Take care as the end of relationships can be a dangerous time.

Rubbish. Clearly, none of this is calculated or thought out in that way. This is just a classic cuckhold fetish. Some men get extremely aroused when thinking about their partner having sex with other men.

My friend could have written this, it is so similar. Even down to pretending to go on a date she didn't really attend and having to go back the next day with an elaborate lie. Over the course of the week he got jealous, nasty, insecure but also kept asking for dirty details to get off on. When she finally admitted she didn't go through with it he got angry and called her a liar! So there is no winning! It is absolute abuse.

What I have noticed is this behaviour often stems from the men being ashamed about their own sexuality (bi or gay in denial) so they use their women as tools to fulfil their fantasies of sex with other men. It escalates to the point they start asking for threesomes with other men or cuckolding experiences where they watch you have sex with another man. Again, I'm convinced it is because they wish they were the one having the sex.

I will tell you what I told my friend: He is pimping you out! Not for money but for his own sexual gratification. He has no regard for your safety by happily sending you off to some maniacal rapists for all anyone knows and you don't want to do it! He's a fucking psycho and an abusive piece of shit!

Honestly, reading this has pissed me off all over again.

If it was a cuckold fetish he wouldn’t be shaming her for having sex with another man (supposedly).

It’s just a stick to beat her with. He knows she won’t sleep with another man.

Sorry I didn’t mean to sound rude!

I just think most people wouldn’t put up with this for the past 8 years and so I wrongly assumed that you may have been vulnerable and would find it harder to separate from him.
But obviously I was wrong.

I’m sorry I never meant to offend you.

It doesn’t matter what it is, whether it’s dressing up, sleeping with other men or smearing yourself in ice cream..

If your partner keeps pushing you to something you don’t want to do, and have made clear to them you don’t want to do it - they are abusive and don’t give a shit about you. They are actively trying to coerce you into behaviour that you find upsetting/abhorrent for their own gratification.

It’s disgusting- of course you’ve done nothing wrong 💐

Have to disagree. My friend is in this exact situation and her DH absolutely has the mind set of storing up information that can later be used as blackmail against her. He is a very calculated person.

I'm not saying all men who are into the cuckold fetish are this way. Often they are submissive types who enjoy being humiliated.

By the sounds of OP partner he is something different altogether, it isn't a basic cuckold fetish where they are not in control, on the contrary, he very much likes to be in control. He is the one orchestrating this crap despite OP making it clear she doesn't want to.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.
He is using this information as weapon to beat OP over the head with.

He's treating you like a sex doll that exists for his pleasure. Nothing he says to guilt you matters, that is simply not a situation you can exist in with any sort of self respect.
You are the mother of his children too, which makes it worse. He has done this to himself and to the whole family.

There is much more 'life' out there - you've both grown up and apart, you've been with each other since very young and for a long time.

Break up, painful though that might be.

Exactly. @shuggles telling OP this is just a male fantasy is minimising abuse.

Sorry to hear this. Once you’ve left him and are in a healthy relationship you will find it hard to believe you ever put up with him
for so long. Appallingly disrespectful of him. You need to leave with your self respect in tact. Take care of yourself.x

Sadly he will probably get off on this.

Aggressive cuckold fetishes like this are bad (for many reasons) because they WANT to feel humiliated, and it doesn't matter what you do, leaving them is a sick part of it for some of them, knowing their ex partner might end up with someone else down the road, is a turn on.

Men are such disgusting creatures.

what you are going through is awful. He pushed you for such a long time. He might be blaming you but you know it is all about him. What you feel deep down is reality. Don't for a moment let him doubt yourself. I wish I could give you and your children a great big hug.

@Vanillaskieshazeleyes I was so sorry to read your post. I hope you achieve your aim of sharing your home with only your children.

I understand why you chose an anonymous forum to ask for support..Well done for doing that. Now you need to go that stepfurther by approaching some of the organisations other posters have suggested.

I hope you can find enough useful help and advice on here to get you through Christmas. Stay strong and resolute, and have a very Happy New Year. Sending best wishes to you and the children.

Not just her mental health. Your physical health and wellbeing is at risk too, as we've sadly learned yet again lately.

Hi OP, I am terribly sorry you are in this situation.
You could also try your local Citizens Advice in the new year. They can advise on council housing and although they cannot give legal advice they may be able to suggest contact details for some mediation services if things get difficult re the split.

@GremlinsStairlift Have to disagree. My friend is in this exact situation and her DH absolutely has the mind set of storing up information that can later be used as blackmail against her. He is a very calculated person.

How exactly can a woman having sex with another man (which her husband wanted her to do) be used against the woman as blackmail?

Because deep down I still care & that makes me feel like putting up & shutting up. When I know in my heart it's not right.

It’s ok to care - about a bit of him, or a memory of who he was, or an idea of who he could have been. You loved him, that’s ok. You can feel that, and at the same time know that he is mistreating you and you have to leave. Give yourself permission to have that bit that cares, just don’t let it rule you.