Please, I need to get this off my chest.

[Vanillaskieshazeleyes]

Hi, I've posted before about generic things. But this is something I just cannot talk to people about in person.

Been with partner 13 years. Around 8 years ago he started mentioning me sleeping with other men.

That was a firm NO. Wouldn't dream of it. He sort of played it off as just a fantasy & I STUPIDLY played into it. It's now consumed him so much.

Every single time we're intimate he talks about it. I've said i don't mind now & then talking about it but every time just seems excessive. Anyway, the past few years he's been horrendous with it. Like a dog with a bone.

He's consistently encouraged me to go sleep with someone. I've said no, he said it that much that I said ok I'm going out to do it (I never I sat in my car for an hour) came back & he caused a scene about it. So obviously he didn't want me too do it the whole time.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.

I'm absolutely devastated I've allowed this to go on so long. I've probably missed lots out, sorry. I'm 29. I feel like I've been under some form of abuse where sex is concerned. But I doubt I have. I want to leave him, I'm done with the whole situation. I could've lived with a fantasy. But he virtually sexual harasses me to sleep with other men.

I'm so glad I never did sleep with anyone. I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him. I don't need judgement. I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you x

You can't say that though unless you think other women must have known.

Try calling council tomorrow to check your agreement and seek advice. Call womens aid. Leave this turd and start the new year without a vile twat holding you back. Don’t fuck up your life or your kids life because of him - stay strong.

Can I ask why you quoted the op? Every time I see someone do this I really want to know why??

You have repeatedly said No but then you told him you were going to but sat in the car for an hour . Why haven't you told him you didn't have sex with anyone else but just sat in the car ?

This has been going on for 8 years!!!
Literally your entire 20s!!

This isn’t getting better.
You know that it’s getting worse and it will only continue to get worse.

Do not go into your 30s with this man.

When is your birthday?
Make plans now as it can take time.

It may be that you ask him to move out ‘temporarily’ to give you some space to think or just separate and continue living together and hopes he moves out.

How old is he?
Are both of your names on the tenancy?

Dump his sorry arse! What a fucking melt! At 29 you can meet someone normal out there instead of this vile man child

Well done OP for seeing the light.

One point, I think you should tell the truth about not sleeping with someone else. Two reasons - 1, he will twist the narrative to say you cheated and use it against you in terms of access to children. He will also tell family and mutual friends, I know you say you don't care now but you might in a few months or years. 2, telling the truth will help with your situation in terms of getting help and having someone see your side of it. He took his fetish so far that you ended up lying to make him stop pestering you, this highlights now bad things got and might he useful if things turn nasty down the line.

Best of luck OP xx

...and surely he didn't believe it? I mean, where would you go FGS

The actual request is a bit of a red herring. I mean, it’s grim and definitely not ‘normal’ but I don’t think that’s the real issue.

The issue is, he’s consistently trying to coerce you into something you don’t want to do. It’s his lack of care and respect for your wishes. He’s putting his needs above yours and would be fine with you feeling deeply uncomfortable, so long as he gets his kink. He’s showing that he doesn’t love you, not properly. If he did, he’d feel mortified. He’d be seeking therapy. He’d be keeping this from you to save your feelings.

Im glad you’ve realised the situation whilst you’re still young. You and the kids can start again and find a healthy family set up where you’re all respected.

I personally would keep a very close eye on your kids around him though. He’s sexually deviant and happy to push your boundaries, that would make me wary in other situations too. He doesn’t respect people’s sexual or physical boundaries and I would be very clear to your children about what’s right and wrong, that adults can do wrong things, and to let you know if they ever find an adult doing something wrong. Obviously there’s a good chance this will stay in his adult relationships but I’d just keep a close eye, in case his deviancy shifts and develops.

Yes, this is good advice. I personally would be very open with the adults around you as to why you’re ending the relationship. That way he can’t come back at you.

Is your partner any part to do with your family estrangement? Could this be a good time to reach out to them?

No, his weird abusive, controlling, manipulative behaviour has ruined your family. Speak to the council re who is on the tenancy, the steps you need to take now and ask for the team that deals with domestic abuse if they have one.
Also speak to Women's Aid, you will need support to stay away once you get away

I would check your tenancy agreement, don’t ask him if he is on it neither. If you are both on as joint tenants you will have to chuck him out as getting another one will be nigh on impossible. Get your locks changed immediately after he leaves.
You will feel so relieved once he has gone @Vanillaskieshazeleyes no more having to endure his constant badgering. I bet the atmosphere in the home will be better too.
Don’t feel bad when he is trying to talk you round or putting on the guilt about splitting his family up. No means no, not years and years of hassle, your obviously not suited for each other and your Dc will get used to not living with dad. X

OP, you were still a child when this creepy man came into your life. He’s let his obsession with sleazy fantasies take over your relationship, and now inevitably he wants it to take over your life. You and your children deserve better. I hope you can get him out of your house, and preferably avoid letting him have the children unsupervised — children should not be exposed to an obsessive sex fetishist.

This is sexual abuse.

Having a fantasy and asking a partner to do something to indulge that fantasy is fine. But when one asks the other person has a right to say 'no' and for that to be respected. He isn't respecting this - and that's abuse.

Add in the fact that he went mad when he thought you had slept with someone else it makes it even more abusive and sinister. It potentially falls within coercive control.

If you want to leave this relationship - and you sound like you do - then seek support through a women's centre in your area. You can also contact Citizen's Advice, your GP/NHS services, your local authority or the housing association for your area. If you have the money, consider speaking to a solicitor too.

You deserve better than to be manipulated and controlled by someone who is meant to care for you. You're more than strong enough to end this relationship.

Editing to add: if he won't leave, and it's your name on the deeds, or if he simply won't stay away from you/your kids you can (and should) apply for a non-molestation order https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/apply-for-a-non-molestation-or-occupation-order-fl401

It's easiest to do via a family law solicitor but you can do it yourself online.

I agree.

I would like to know how old he was when they met.

This obsession has been going on for almost all of her 20s which is so sad.

Its either a fetish or it’s a an abuse/control tactic.

I’m worried that as she got with him so young that she’s very vulnerable and doesn’t know how to be on her own/ he’s made her believe she can’t cope on her own.

We're both the same age. I absolutely can cope & I'm not vulnerable. I've made it very clear he's got to leave. He will leave. I just wanted some emotional support. I could honestly do without assumptions being made about me & then the whole point of this post is derailed.

OP, I firmly believe that your relationship is over. You need to say goodbye. How can you possibly be at peace with someone who behaves like this?
You need support to separate
Sending you strength

Thanks again for the majority of the lovely advice & support. It means more than you'll all know.

To clear a few things up, we're the same age. I can cope on my own, I'm not vulnerable in the sense where I have no means of escaping.

It's basically ended between us it's just trying to remain strong & not falling back into the trap of false promises etc.

My two children are absolutely safe, I've always explained about abuse in a way they understand & how they must tell me if ANYONE was to do anything like that. They're with me almost constantly. I don't know why I'm needing to explain that. That's not the issue, because nothing along those lines would ever happen. Ever.

I'll contact womens aid. Thanks for the ones who've given me good advice. X

I thought this straight away. The French pervert’s wife was used to satisfy his sexual fantasies. Obviously this situation isn’t the same but the objectification of the OP is.

Do this. Record the next conversation that he has with you about this. All the gory details. Dump him, then send it to all his friends and family telling them what he's done to you. That will shame him forever. Disgusting pervert.

You were very young when you got together with him. It really sounds as though he has tried to coerce and manipulate you. I don’t know what your earlier relationship history is, but suspect it was pretty limited, and due to your age would probably have been fairly innocuous . I think you have been slowly manipulated into thinking that his weird controlling behaviour is normal.

It isn’t.

PLEASE just leave him. This is abuse.

Sorry I'm not sure if someone has said this before this comment, but if he hasn't been immediately like "fuck, I'm so so sorry, I didn't realise how much I was going on about it and I'll never mention it again as I can see it's causing you distress and I love you so much and don't want to harm you" then he's a wrongen. Even then, I don't think it would be enough in these circumstances for you to give him another chance.

Instead he's blaming you?! And trying to manipulate you. Big no no. His behaviour on a whole is giving very abusive, controlling, so on. I do feel you are a victim of some kind of sexual abuse at this point too. It popped into my head he could've even gone on and on about it to convince you to do it so he has something against you.

Also, no shame at all if you actually did do it because of his pressure. But whether you did or didn't, I'll take your word that you didn't, it doesn't matter because he's hyper focused on it and you deserve better. Don't worry about him causing a scene, let him. If he's not on the tenancy give him a date to leave. Xxx

All of this

Does he really think you went out for an hour and slept with someone? Who does he think you did it with? Are you sure he’s not just using it against you or still playing his horrible game by going along with it because it’s his fantasy?