Please, I need to get this off my chest.

[Vanillaskieshazeleyes]

Hi, I've posted before about generic things. But this is something I just cannot talk to people about in person.

Been with partner 13 years. Around 8 years ago he started mentioning me sleeping with other men.

That was a firm NO. Wouldn't dream of it. He sort of played it off as just a fantasy & I STUPIDLY played into it. It's now consumed him so much.

Every single time we're intimate he talks about it. I've said i don't mind now & then talking about it but every time just seems excessive. Anyway, the past few years he's been horrendous with it. Like a dog with a bone.

He's consistently encouraged me to go sleep with someone. I've said no, he said it that much that I said ok I'm going out to do it (I never I sat in my car for an hour) came back & he caused a scene about it. So obviously he didn't want me too do it the whole time.

Now he's saying things like, when will you have sex with me? You slept with someone else, when's it my go.

I'm absolutely devastated I've allowed this to go on so long. I've probably missed lots out, sorry. I'm 29. I feel like I've been under some form of abuse where sex is concerned. But I doubt I have. I want to leave him, I'm done with the whole situation. I could've lived with a fantasy. But he virtually sexual harasses me to sleep with other men.

I'm so glad I never did sleep with anyone. I just need some firm advice on how to be strong to leave him. I don't need judgement. I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you x

Again, thank you for all of the messages. It's making me think my decision in ending it is definitely the right one.

Obviously it's hard, because there's children involved & he's all I've ever known. There's probably some Trauma Bonding there on my behalf. Which could be why I know I'll struggle when he goes.

But our children MUST come first & if I stay, I know it'll ruin my mental health which will trickle down to our children, so I definitely know leaving is 100% the right thing too do.

It's a fetish I could've lived with IF it was kept as a fantasy that was under control & was brought up now & then. But he just can't seem to stick to it being now & then. He quite literally like a dog with a bone. 2025 surely can only get better.x

Wrong it’s coercion and emotional abuse

I hope you can get through Christmas ok and then make sure he slings his hook. He is probably going to try all sorts ranging form best behaviour and the rest. Take care, enjoy Christmas with your kids and come back on here if you wobble and need some support.

I hope you are saying 2025 can only get better, meaning he won't be around to abuse you and run your mental health into the ground any more. Thank God youaren't married so you have every right to send him packing - once you've checked up with the Council. Merry Xlas and jolly 2025 to the three of you !

It's definitely coercive because he's already said, I've had my head turned by another man (who I slept with, the man that I pretended about) x

This is the part that absolutely batters my head. How could he want me to sleep with another man, then when it comes down to it, he uses it against me? It confuses me so so much. For anyone who'll read this without reading the thread. I have NOT slept with another man x

You're definitely making the right decision by the fact that he is now guilt tripping you. If he had any sense at all he would be totally humble and respect your decision based on the actions he has taken towards you. He doesn't respect your boundaries at all.

You have made the correct decision to get him to leave.

Now its about conserving your emotion and not letting him derial you with hystrionics.

You dont owe him an explanation or a justification as to why the relationship as ended. In fact any info you give will just be something for him to obsess over.

If you feel the need to expand - say because I dont want to or its not working for me. You can repeat this one more time and tell him that you have nothing further to say and leave the room.

Get together a plan and take one step at a time.

Tell him he needs to leave the house by x date. Do not go back on the date even if he says I have a place but the dates dont work. Thats his issue to solve - sofa surf / hotel.

This is criticalas this man has shown he has no boundaries - he will push incessentantly.

If he is not on your deeds and you have given him notice to leave and he refuses - you can call the police (calmly without himknowing when the DCs are out of the house) and tell them you have a tresspasser and they will remove him.

Also get this out in the open - tell your friends and his friends and any family / neighbours and collegues that the relationship has ended and he is leaving on x date. Make it real and make sure he knows you have told others - to stop him gas lighting you.

You can change the locks / put on a bolt / ring door bell - he will likely cause a scene. Call the police immediately if there is any threat or escalation in his mood. Tell the neighbours it is ending and if they see or hear an escalation to call the police.

Have a safety plan. Good luck.

Honestly someone that doesn't respect my boundaries like this I would be gone

'When's it my go?' 🤮
He's treating you like an object. He's depraved.
Please, please, PLEASE leave him. You sound lovely and are worthy of actual, proper love and respect

he wants to have something against you. Just leave him

Interesting that you mention being non contact with your family as abusive men have a type.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for many years and had a very difficult upbringing which meant I stayed with my husband despite the mental abuse, infidelity and gaslighting.

Staying was really harmful for my children who’re now young adults and don’t want anything to do with him as he began to manipulate them when he couldn’t damage me.

Stick with your decision and limit his influence on your children so they don’t grow up believing this type of relationship is normal.

Coercion is always about punishment in the end.

Compliance never satisfies.

The guilt tripping will follow a script. Just be prepared and work out a one sentence answer.
As soon as Christmas is over you could get the ball rolling. I’m sure I read somewhere that in cases of abuse councils will sign over the tenancy to the abused person, the abuser leaves. Phone your council and ask to speak to a housing officer. Or phone Shelter for advice.
Once your housing is secure everything else will fall into place. You are beginning to seoarate emotionally from him and the more you plan your life without him the easier that will become.

& now I'm getting the "you're using the children as a weapon" it's getting me down so much. It's making me feel terrible. Just sick of it.

He is using his fetish as a weapon !!
It’s not a healthy atmosphere for children to be in and he’s a crap dad if he doesn’t realise that.

Just remember he’ll know what hurts and will say exactly those things to you.

Sorry to say but he’s cheating on you. Same thing happened with my ex. I felt dilisgusted. He was seeing his ex.

You have been with him since you were 16 ?
How old is he ?

He’ll say anything and everything to get you to stay. Once he understands you’re resolved he might even threaten to want full custody or something along those lines, especially knowing you don’t have a support system to turn to.

I was in an abusive relationship from 15 to 25 and he had me fully convinced I’d never be able to make it without him. Now I look back and I can’t believe I ever let a man treat me like that. There’s so much better out there.

Your not using your children as a weapon @Vanillaskieshazeleyes you know your relationship has reached the end. Staying wouldn’t be good for your Mh and it would affect your Dc, they pick up tension and can tell when we are stressed.
You have to just switch off from him at the moment because he will be using everything in his arsenal to persuade you to change your mind and will use guilt, telling you he can’t live without you etc until he leaves. He has boundary issues, he sees you as an extension of him and his needs, I doubt he realises you have wants or needs yourself.
You can do this Op x

You need to take yourself out of his emotional punching distance as much as possible. Can you take yourself out of the house / room. Call a friend? He is still trying to coerce and control you.

You sound strong OP.
Strong willed and determined.

Can you tell someone your trust, a friend or Women's Aid about what's going on so you have some support to help you through this difficult part?

They try anything at this point to make you change your mind so pick a sentence you are happy with and repeat it over and over.

"Its over between us, I won't negotiate on this anymore. We can put the children first and make this easy but you need to move out asap"

Tell him he won’t be staying for Xmas and to go tonight if he doesn’t stop .

He sounds exhausting . Does he ever shut up !

I would tell him he has two choices, one: he shuts the fuck up and makes an effort for the dc and moves in a week or so or two: if he can’t stfu (we know he can’t because he’s like a dog with a bone) he can pack a few bags and leave tonight!