Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

As mentioned, it's likely that only actually leaving will work and it doesn't have to be for ever as hopefully this will get the message across

All that asking her not to mention this will get is "Ooooo I'm not allowed to talk about pregnancy am I??", probably just after she has talked about it and with a silly giggle/flappy hand

Your DH should be able to tell his parents about the infertility, in confidence , especially as your parents know.

Either way your DH then needs to sit with his mum and explain this isn't banter. It's unwelcome comments/bullying and it it doesn't stop you are leaving. Give her a clear last chance.

I'm sorry you have this crap to deal with.

Going nuclear world be your dh saying in a loud strong voice with full eye contact something like this
"Look mum. I've politely asked you to stop with the comments and guessing. You have done it again. This is your last warning. If there is one more comment myself DW and DC will be leaving immediately and we will never come and stay with you again. You will have limited contact with your existing dgc and I will never forgive you. Your behaviour is unacceptable and you need to stop it. Do you understand what I've said and are you clear about the consequences of continuing?"
Something like that I would have thought...Clear strong and polite...

Hugs from another IVF-er currently preparing for treatment next year - it is so diff to prep for treatment this time of year because if you don’t drink relatives ask ‘oooh are you pregnant?!!!’ Like you I have t told my family - because I don’t want the pressure - so it makes handling comments like your MILs difficult. Your MIL does sound like she has zero emotional intelligence and is really self centred when it comes to this topic though. I think your choices are either leave before Xmas day - or your DH needs to have a very stern word with MIL and say that her comments are insensitive and hurtful and if she carries on you will be immediately leaving. It’s up to her how she behaves then.
you can’t change her behaviour - she has shown how she is multiple times with you and DH’s cousin - you can just choose how much longer you are prepared to be around it though.
i hope you manage to have a restful festive period and I hope your treatment goes okay next year x

I hope you did go home @mariannnnaa

I think the best response tobeing asked if you're pregnant when not drinking is "No. I'm an alcoholic."

Mic drop.

Sorry to hear your MIL is such a shit. I hope you left and explained clearly that it is because she will not stop making 'jokes'.

Leave. Please leave for the sake of your toddler at the very least, who will picking up on this tension and thinking it's her/his fault :(

"stop your friendly banter you fruit cake it's nasty and insensitive you don't know what happens in people's lives so if you want to spend time with the grandchild you have shut up about anymore. "

Even without the infertility issue, your MiL has absolutely no business pressurising you about pregnancy. It's nothing to do with her. I have two DDs in their 30s, neither of them showing any signs of having children. I do sometimes think how much I'd love to have grandchildren, but that's a me problem not a them problem, and I would never dream of saying or insinuating anything, or making unfunny jokes about baby cuddles. It's absolutely not on. If you're still there and you don't feel great about going, I'd suggest your DH gives her an ultimatum - one more comment about pregnancy, and you're packing and leaving. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with this monumental insensitivity.

Nearly everyone has gone too far with a joke or bit of banter etc at some point. But not everyone has been firmly put in their place for doing so (which is a necessary learning experience which usually takes place at a relatively young age). So she won’t stop until she’s either told to shut the fuck or given a similar ultimatum through your actions.

@mariannnnaa Are you ok, OP?

Of course. She needs to understand how badly she has behaved.

Did you actually even read my response?

DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful

If you’re going to keep seeing them you need to use a shield and fight fire with fire. Every annoying/thoughtless comment she makes say something like “haha, that’s a really weird/inappropriate comment to make” or something to that effect. She’s bullying you both (especially you). If you push back with a bit of fire she might stop, and you might actually be able to forge a better relationship with her in time. If you don’t, she never will. Show her you’re not a pushover. With this type that’s probably a better tactic than a “we’re really hurt” type conversation. That would only buy you a couple of months then she’d back with a vengeance. Give her attitude back when she attacks and she’ll soon learn not to bite.

I'm a big one for nodding, smiling and just rubbing along as part and parcel of wider family life but I would leave in this situation and I would not explain beyond "because you won't STFU about something which is none of your business".

Do not tell them about IVF or anything else beyond "if and when we have another we will tell you at the appropriate time" (of your choosing). Don't return until it stops.

Gosh those are really horrible comments. You're really strong to even stay in the same room as her. Id leave without explanation and not talk to her again till she grovels a serious apology. Wishing you all the best with IVF and a happy year ahead.

If you read the OP’s posts, her and her DH are at MIL’s for Christmas this year. So OP doesn’t need to invite MIL for Christmas this year.

Bloody hell. I thought my mil was bad! This woman sounds awful.

Why are you even bothering with her? I wouldn't go which would mean my children wouldn't be going because I won't be home alone and she gets to see them. She wont be welcome in my house either. I definitely wouldn't want to stay around that attitude for a week. She's nasty. And how triggering for you?! Dh can go on his own. Can't he just see her on Boxing Day? You don't deserve to have to put up with her disgusting comments around Christmas.

If she has a brain she should know you don't talk this way to someone who's experienced what you have, it's not that difficult to figure out by herself. She's clearly an idiot who doesn't give a shit that she's being highly insensitive to you both.

Tell her to butt out, and keep her comments to herself. It’s absolutely none of her business, and she is clearly an ignorant and stupid woman! If she doesn’t, then simply stay away from her. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Life is stressful enough for you at the moment without the input of Supergran!

How would you go nuclear on them?

Personally, I think I’d tell her face to face that she is a nosey, interfering, inconsiderate witch. & that it’s downright rude to ask or assume someone is pregnant.

Who in their right mind says “Oh what a shame, I was looking forward to baby cuddles” after someone has a miscarriage. I despair.

So sorry OP. We had three miscarriages between DS and DD. What your MIL is doing would have devastated me. Huge hugs.

My work colleagues once assumed I was pregnant she I found it very very intrusive and offensive !

Stop holding back the tears and let everyone see what she’s making you feel like. I’m so sorry you’re having to hear that.

"We've asked you multiple times to stop this as it upsets us, so by doing it again, you either don't care how we feel, or are deliberately trying to upset us." and then either one more chance, or leave.

This.

I'm not generally one to say 'ltb' or 'go non contact' or 'block' or any of the other drama, but this is making you very miserable, on edge, and upset. Even when she isn't making a comment, you are on edge, waiting for the comment.
Your dh has tried to be clear how much this is upsetting you, and she still continues.
I think it is going to take something like you both leaving, for her to make any changes.

I presume your dh will leave with you ?

Seriously, her not knowing about the IVF isn't relevant here. You just don't go on at anyone about when they are having a baby - be that first baby or 4th! Most people know that without it having to be spelled out to them. She has had it spelled out, and still continues to do it.