Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

YANBU to leave.

I would probably try telling her to STFU first as, rude though it is, it might be the sort of blunt response she needs to jolt her into behaving differently and I think leaving when you had intended staying for Christmas is more disruptive all round and rude in a different way. But people have very different views of swearing and what it means, so it needs consideration.

She sounds like a fruit loop

I think in this instance "going nuclear" would be ALL of you leaving tomorrow, id you haven't left already.

Be very clear in advance. "We have asked you not comment, it is not banter to us, it is hurtful, and the fact you continue even after we have asked you politely to stop is disrespectful and inconsiderate'. If you continue, we will have to leave. This is not enjoyable for us".

And then follow through and leave.

I'm so sorry it's shit.

Leave. Refuse to see her.

Really, ideally you do want to be able to set her straight and leave if she keeps chipping away, but I've a feeling - as she hasn't taken on board the reasonable telling that she's already had - she will make out you are being melodramatic and mean to her and it could cause you even more stress.
I think honestly is generally the best policy, but I'd be tempted to skirt around your issue with her by both saying something along the lines of 'We're both happy with one'', and then don't get drawn into any discussion by continually, and politely, changing the subject.
All the best OP.

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

I think he needs to be more forceful when he tells her. When she tries to brush it off, he needs to stay (sternly) it is no joke and she is not to mention it ever again or she risks pushing him and his family away. He needs to show her in his manner that he is very serious.

Alternatively just tell her you are one and done?

Agree. It needs to be a command, not an ask.

I would absolutely leave OP. Is it too late for you to go to your family for Christmas? Otherwise I’d be heading home and going shopping tomorrow and enjoy your Christmas as the three of you.

Your MIL is spiteful and if your husband won’t tell her off then this is the consequence. Dont feel guilty. Have a lovely Christmas with your child, don’t let MIL ruin it for you.

Also if I were you I’d start being rude back. She’s happy making you uncomfortable, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it. Any comment she makes you say ‘we have asked you to stop making comments.’ Your DH HAS to do this too. For me however I’d be on my way home with my child to actually enjoy my Christmas with them whilst they are little and such a fabulous age for enjoying the Christmas magic. I wouldn’t have this old witch ruin it for me. You don’t have to ask DH to go no contact you absolutely can distance yourselves from them and not engage for your own mental health. Think of yourself and your child OP, stop worrying about what others think.

I had a friend who did this every time I saw her for 10 years - the comments were varied and sly. I eventually gave up trying to bat the comments away and that was the end of the friendship. It was exhausting!

I agree it’s not always possible to go the NC route. Could you say you are going home and when she asks why say tell her outright! If she says she’ll stoop say sorry, you’ve said that before and I want to have a nice Christmas without constantly being made to feel like a disappointment/failure* insert genuine feeling here. Then go so she understands how her actions make you feel and the consequences for her.

I did, I also read a large number of other posts before responded. OK I got the detail wrong - just remembered that OP was wanting to not be at a christmas event with MIL. The detail didn't affect what I said - MIL needs to be told why OP wasn't going to be in her company.

I haven’t rtft so I don’t know if anyone else has the same opinion as me, but I think if you’ve told your parents and close friends shouldn’t DH be able to tell his parents you’re having fertility struggles/ivf if he wants to? It’s his life too after all… & I’m sure would put a stop to the comments. If you haven’t mentioned it she can’t be expected to be a mind reader & is probably from a different generation where not everything is offensive.

When my SIL announced her first pregnancy (we were out at lunch with MIL and FIL), MIL pointed her finger at me and my DH and said "what about you two?'".
I wanted to die. Fast forward a year and I announced we were in medical mill due to fertility issued, PCOS and fibroids. She felt like a twat I bet.

Fair enough.

“Brenda, if you don’t stop making these comments I’m going home and this will be our last Christmas with you.”

Then if she does it again you follow through by leaving. It’s like dealing with a toddler!

Id rather go home and have nothing to eat than stay there with that bullshit.

Sorry your going through this OP,your mil comments are awful. If I can add anything to what's already been said it would be hiding the fact you are going through fertility problems & IVF is wrong. Your mil despite her behaviour deserves to know this. Her comments can't be excused but your not giving her the chance to react with more empathy if your hiding the problem from her. It's your DH problem too & his mother has as much of a right to know the truth as your mother.

Many people who stop stressing about getting pregnant fall pregnant more easily.An example is a friend who went through years of infertility & IVF with no success.She adopted a beautiful boy then within 6 months she fell pregnant naturally & gave birth to a baby girl.

I'd be having Xmas at home OP.

YANBU.

Sorry but she does not “deserve to know” about the OP’s personal medical situation!! WTF. The OP clearly knows her MIL well enough to know that it will not be helpful to tell her.

And how patronising to tell the OP to stop stressing. I once had 2 miscarriages in a space of 6 months and an insensitive person told me it was because I got stressed with moving house. That same person also told me about a non-close relative’s miscarriage!! I did not need to know. People just need to learn to what is their business and what isn’t.

@Onceuponatime9 not disclosing private medical details to another person who has no need to know it is not wrong. Nor should the Op have to do it so that her MIL will behave with empathy. The fact that her DH has told the MIL it's upsetting should be enough. Well actually that should never have been needed. Making repeated comments about and speculating over somebody else's body is wrong.

The Op's MIL does not "deserve" her private medical information.

Your DH has been asked by DH to stop she doesn't need any more of an explanation. You certainly don't owe her one just because you've told third parties who are / have been supportive.

She is an adult and I'd be very surprised if she is truly unaware of what she is doing.

I hope you've left.

OP, if you haven’t left that awful woman yet then I think this is pretty much the perfect thing to say. I also think it should be you to say it, not your DH. It will sound stronger coming from you.

Just leave OP. Why should you have to endure Christmas with this? You should be able to have a nice time, and it doesn’t sound like you will be able to if you stay.

No one has a right to know anyone else's private medical details. Of course my husband could decide to tell his mum but he doesn't want to because she would be far from supportive.

What?! Absolutely nobody "deserves" to know the OP's personal medical information. Nor her husband's. Their fertility is their own business, nobody else's, and they are not obliged to share it with anyone if they don't want to, least of all a boundary-trampling, interfering busybody who can't control her gob.

The woman should be observing the basic rules of common human decency whether she knows about the infertility or not. If she isn't capable of doing that then she certainly isn't worthy of being trusted with painful and intimate information.

OP I think your DH needs to be much, much more blunt and explicit with her about the behaviour that needs to stop. If she persists, then I wouldn't see her. She doesn't have some god-given right to walk all over you because she gave birth to your husband.