Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

Why does MiL have ‘the right’ to know? It’s entirely up to OP and her husband. No one is automatically entitled to know others personal lives. And given that MiL has zero sympathy about another person in family having a miscarriage and started making ‘baby’s’ about having no autumn baby cuddles I can understand why OP wouldn’t want her to know. I bet MiL would start offering unsolicited useless advise which would make OP feel even more stressed.

Some people, like MiL, just can’t help picking those emotive scabs because they get a secret buzz from it and it’s sickening.

'Right Sandra, we've asked you nicely to stop with the comments about me being pregnant but you're clearly not listening. I don't care if you're only 'joking' - I don't find it funny. I'm off home so I don't have to listen to any more of your stupid, insensitive bullshit'.
That should do it (possibly permanently).

When she mentions it, say "oh god no. Cant think of anything worse, id be down Marie stopes quicker than a rat up a drainpipe"

This is properly bizzare behaviour on her part. You need to stop tolerating it - give her a final warning and if it doesn’t stop, leave.

hiding the fact you are going through fertility problems & IVF is wrong. Your mil despite her behaviour deserves to know this. Her comments can't be excused but your not giving her the chance to react with more empathy if your hiding the problem from her.

This is utterly entitled tripe. No one has a right to anyone else’s medical information or to be given details about people’s struggles and insecurities. People need to earn the trust that makes people want to confide and seek support from them, and they do that by showing they respect feelings and requests.

OP’s MIL has already been told that her comments are upsetting and unwelcome. She’s made it clear she doesn’t care how she’s making OP feel, so why would any sane person trust her with more sensitive information?

Be blunt. Andrea I want to speak to you about the things you say about me being pregnant. I know you think that this is banter but I find it deeply upsetting and if you make any more comments I will be leaving and going home.

"If you make one more comment about marianna being pregnant we will leave and it will be a long time before we return. Do you understand?"

I gave an example of someone I know. It's a well known fact stress affects hormones which can be contradictory to getting pregnant. That's different to reasons for miscarriage which is heartbreaking & I'm sorry you went through that. I went through an early miscarriage.It was nothing to do with stress.

I'm not excusing the OP mil awful coments but she deserves to be put in the picture. It's her sons problem too.

Just tell her, not that it' any of her business, that you are "one and done" and her DS has had a vasectomy. That'll shut her up and put the onus back on your DH. She sounds vile.
My DD had similar and went nuclear at her MIL - it worked as MIL preferred to shut her mouth and still see her GS rather than being cut off.

Your husband needs to say he's got erectile dysfunction so there won't be any more DC.

Can you use a MN classic comeback
”You’ve been asked not to go there, so did you ask by mistake or are you being unkind?”

@Onceuponatime9 are you on Gransnet by any chance? There was a truly chilling thread on there earlier this year where a MIL was complaining about the fact her DIL wouldn't tell her why she'd been to the doctor whilst pregnant. The general consensus was that, in support of the MIL, once a woman was pregnant the future grandparents were entitled to know her medical information because she was carrying their grandchild.

Proper Handmaid's Tale stuff. Really grim.

@Onceuponatime9

Your mil despite her behaviour deserves to know this. Her comment can't be excused but your not giving her the chance to react with more empathy if your hiding the problem from her.

Firstly she doesn't deserve that information.

And secondly, she had the chance to react with empathy when told her niece had a miscarriage of a much wanted baby.

But she wasn't empathetic or kind, was she? She said "Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Which I'm sure you can agree is a fucking horrible thing to say. I don't know how her niece could even bear to look at her after she said it, that poor poor woman.

Why do you think she would show empathy when she has a history of not doing so?

No I am not on gransnet. I am a natural sharer though & see nothing wrong with that if it gives people a better understanding of my issues if & when they occur. I also pride myself in being a natural supporter of anyone who shares their problems & they do.

@Onceuponatime9 that's your prerogative. Why is the Op wrong for not wanting to share private medical information?

@Onceuponatime9

I also pride myself in being a natural supporter of anyone who shares their problems & they do.

Ok that's you, but OP's mother in law said, to a woman who had miscarried a much wanted baby, "Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

So why on earth do you think that someone capable of such a selfish, thoughtless and cruel comment is someone empathetic enough to navigate OP's current situation in a supportive and kind way?

Can you take her to one side and tell her directly this has to stop. She doesn’t mean it like that, but it is making you feel upset/ stressed etc. If she carries on leave early and DH tells her why

This is a boundaries problem - had it with my own MIL but it is also a husband problem too. Falls to his inability to set healthy boundaries with his own mother and thus is then in turn affecting you.

He needs to set boundaries with her, and if they are not respected then he leaves with his family. Setting a clear message that you are a team, and she needs to respect the family (your little family).

She will get the message if he sets boundaries and keeps them. It’s taken me 5 years to get my husband to do it but now everybody’s happier because there are clear boundaries that are respected. Once telling her should have been enough, if I was you I would pack up and go. Enjoy Christmas with your little one.

Your medical issues are none of her never mind. You owe her no explanation.
You could warn her: “One more pregnancy crack and we’re leaving. ONE MORE.
And then leave the minute she cracks another one.
There are people in this world who cannot comprehend that their behaviour is abhorrent, until you prove to them that it is.

You don't need to mention you are dealing with fertility issues at all. What she is saying is unacceptable even if you weren't. I would probably say, "One more comment hinting at pregnancy and we're leaving," then do it. Better yet, DH should say it.

No its absolutely none of the MiL's business.

Nobody has a right to anyone else's private medical information, least of all when they won't STFU abaout the subject.

"Actually MIL I've decided to get sterilised. I wasn't going to but your constant comments and jokes were really getting me down so we have decided no more kids on the cards for us because it's made us just not want another one"

that should shut her up

People who are so happy to "have no filter" need a strong reminder how horrible is to face someone with no filter.

Just go totally feral at her.
Scream at her face in front as many people you can how idiotic her comments are.
Say no to future dinners.
Wait for her to beg you to see that grandchild you managed to have despite odds.
Remind her of horrible comments she made.
Wait for another appology.
Atend for a quick get to if you feel like it.
If she makes idiotic comments just rinse and repeat the whole thing each step.

Once you get tires send a whitch to a coven she belongs and enjoy your life.
You are a human person, not a breeding mare.

Tell her that you're having problems conceiving due to her son's low sperms count.

Oh, OP, what an awful situation! Of course YANBU: leave, yes! You don't have to be confrontational about it this time, if you don't want to. The goal is to protect yourself. Maybe you can say you are not feeling well (it wouldn't be a lie either 😒).
Unfortunately, I don't think your MIL is a reasonable person, so you can insist but she'll go on being inmature and disrespectful.
For future occasions, consider being more firm with her: "if you want us to keep visiting, stop your banter with this topic or else we'll leave", and then do it. You don't have to explain anything you don't want to. It's obvious to anybody that those comments are offensive.