Am I being unreasonable to leave my in-laws’ at Christmas because MIL won’t stop with trying to guess if I'm pregnant

[mariannnnaa]

We’ve got secondary infertility, and our toddler is our only child right now. Because both sets of parents live far away from us and each other, we take turns spending Christmas with them, staying about a week each time. This year, it’s my in-laws’ turn.

The issue is my MIL. She’s desperate to be a grandma again and has always been pushy about it. When I was pregnant with my toddler, she was annoyed we waited until 10 weeks to tell her (instead of immediately). DH and I held off because we knew that, if something went wrong, she’d be the least supportive person. She has no filter and often says things that are thoughtless or hurtful.

We’re currently doing IVF, but the in-laws don’t know. MIL would make it so much worse with her comments. She’s already said things to DH’s cousin like, “When are you finally going to get pregnant?” when they were having IVF, and when she heard about their miscarriage, her reaction was, “Oh, what a shame! I was really looking forward to baby cuddles this autumn.”

Whenever we visit, she won’t stop with the constant “jokey” questions. She’ll say things like, “Can I offer you some wine? Hahaha!” Or if we’re discussing lunch places, it’s, “Sushi? Marianna, SUSHI? What do you think?” with a smug little laugh. If I’m not hungry, it’s, “Ooh, not much appetite? Ginger helped me every time I was, you know, a little queasy…” It’s relentless.

Today, we went to a fair, and just before I got on a ride with my toddler, she pointed to a sign about pregnant women avoiding it and asked, “You’re still going on?” When I nodded, she added, “Guess no grandchild by summer, then!”

DH has already spoken to her and told her to stop. He didn’t mention IVF, but he said her comments are unhelpful and stressful. She just brushes it off with, “Oh, I’m not pressuring anyone! I’m just excited for when it happens.”

Honestly, I’ve had enough. As soon as my toddler wakes up from their nap, I want to leave. I can’t face another sly remark, like, “Want some ice cream? Don’t worry, it’s pasteurised!” I had a miscarriage earlier this year, and IVF is already stressful enough without all of this on top, especially at Christmas. I’d rather spend it alone with my child than pretend I’m fine while trying not to cry every five minutes.

I’d be packing myself up and the toddler and leaving your partner there. Let him grow a spine on the way home.

Permanently, I should think.

God that’s truly vile
Probably the same grans who demand alone time and criticise all your parenting choices

Tell her you've decided not to have any more children, and that it's not up for discussion. Then if or when you do get pregnant, don't say anything till it's really obvious, and then tell her it's accidental.

Or you could try the faux-concerned "MiL, you seem to have a major obsession about this. Have you seen a doctor? You really should, it's just not normal"

Sage advice!

whilst I think being upfront about the IVF may quieten her, I very much think she needs to be told to quit it and in no way does she deserve to know. If she can’t follow a simple request made multiple times she doesn’t deserve your company.

I very much hope you are home now

Tell your MIL that it takes two to get pregnant so from now she can direct her constant pregnancy comments at her son. If she makes any more comments to you about pregnancy and/or future grandchildren you and your child will leave immediately. Have your bags ready. Do you have a car? Keep the key with you at all times so it can’t be hidden- the same for your house keys and cash cards. Note the number of a taxi, train and bus times. Check out local hotels in case it’s during the night. Get your plans together.

I think if this woman did know the OP was going through IVF, she’d be worse. Passing comment/asking questions - I think most of us can almost write the write the script on what she’d say.

If you’re still there OP, next time she says anything - say ‘’I don’t know how to say this politely, but will you please shut up with such comments”. And ignored her feigned surprised and hurt air.

Have you told her straight that you aren’t pregnant and if she keeps making comments you’ll have to leave as it’s upsetting you?

Yeah, I'd just leave with your toddler, husband if he wants, or can stay with his overbearing, obsessive mother, if he'd prefer.

I'd pack my bag, grab toddler, say goodbye to husband if he's staying and just go, I wouldn't even give her a goodbye to be honest. Let your husband explain to her why she's driven you and the grandchild she actually has here on earth away.

Honestly, these overbearing MIL's need to be bloody grateful for what they have right in front of them. Your poor son, he's right there, yet all she cares about is a hypothetical baby that isn't (sadly) even conceived yet.

Let this learn your lesson, no more spending alternative Christmas's at her house. Enjoy Christmas's at home as a family unit, then your own parents the alternate year. This woman does not deserve to celebrate this special time with you.

And if you do (hopefully) get pregnant in the future, I wouldn't even tell her. Let her just find out when your bump is there. This woman does not deserve to be told anything after all of this constant pregnancy obsession she is throwing at you.

Wretched woman.

She's lucky you've not told her to eff off.

I've no family, though I desperately wanted children. Had an aunt (kindly) lecturing me that my mum wanted to be a grandmother.

In the end, I told Mum that we'd been trying without success and that I was deeply upset by my aunt's comments. My mum was a decent person and was upset on my behalf.

Your MIL is not a decent person. Your husband needs to tell her to back off in much stronger terms.

ETA Apologies. Accidentally quoted.

Tell her you don't want any more and you don't want any further talk about it.

I would take her aside and firmly tell her that if she wants to continue the relationship she has with her DGC she will stop any discussions on any other non existent ones.

MNers love to tell posters to go nuclear, no contact, leave the bastard. Also grey rock.
Your MiL doesn't sound awful, she's perhaps insensitive or dim?
I would be ginesta to her and explain why you are leaving early.

@mariannnnaa since she will get the ump anyway you may as well say you are leaving because you have had enough of the constant digs/jibes and her inability to stop once and for all.

Oh dear God, I’m guessing you’ve never suffered infertility yourself?
It’s so patronising to suggest stopping stressing might allow the OP to fall pregnant. Having been through 5 rounds of IVF myself (thankfully resulting in my 2 beautiful children) I speak from experience that it’s mainly required for medical reasons.

MIL is not entitled to know their medical history, she just needs to stop being an insensitive twat !

go home OP, no need to put up with her nonsense!

Just tell the to shut the fuck up ss you are sick of her rudeness and sly comments.

Have you left yet? I would really HAVE to blow up at her, as sometimes that is the only way they will finally get the message - that massive shock. I would tell her to shut the hell up, she is being a real bitch, you don't owe her a grandchild, you're more than a breeder and if she wants something to fuss over so bad, buy a puppy or a cat and to stop being so selfish and offensive. I don't care if I'd scorch the earth, I'd literally say "I'm leaving here because you are a selfish, offensive and obsessive fucking bitch!!" to her. She needs to snap out of it get that jolt.

Believe me; if my MIL acted like that, I'd tell her to her face she is a selfish fucking bitch (yes, I'd use the term fucking to add punch) and I'd tear her a new one that she'd be wearing on her face! She would NEVER do it again after that. I can promise you that. Stop being too nice.

Your Christmas is already ruined OP as she has wound you up so badly you will be constantly on edge so really what more can you do? Yes leave for your own sake or show her up for the moron she obviously is. Every time she starts you shout out to your dh where ever he is "OI Kev shes off again!" Every time be him in the vacinity or not. Put it back in dh court to deal with right there and then sit back.But do it every single time.She should be embarrassed to hell if she has any redeeming features. The atmoshphere with the stress you are under must be bloody awful. Get out of there lovely and go home.

Why on earth does OP's insensitive, overbearing MIL deserve to know about OP's fertility struggles and IVF? This is OP's medical information and she absolutely shouldn't be forced to share this information with her MIL.

If reducing stress will help OP get pregnant, I think massively reducing contact with her MIL may help.

@Onceuponatime9 - ‘relaxing’ is not going the many complex reasons for infertility and comments like yours actually make infertile people feel worse and puts the blame on them - that it is their fault that they aren’t pregnant as they can’t ‘relax’.

infertility is a medical condition. People with infertility deserve to be treated with the same respect and sensitivity as those with other illnesses/ conditions. Do you expect everyone to tell you their entire medical history when they don’t want to or aren’t ready to? no one has a right to know OPs medical information - especially not her MIL who has not shown empathy to others who have experienced pregnancy loss and infertility.

If she'd be far from supportive over a miscarriage then the mind boggles over why you would go there for Christmas at all, or ever.

Please Google does stress affect the ability to become pregnant? You will find it has been proven to be ONE of the many reasons. I didn't for a second suggest it was the only reason.

@Onceuponatime9 ahh Dr Google that we’ll known physician - medical advice on the internet is like p0rn you can find all sorts to suit tastes if you. I found the attached in 2 seconds, that also doesn’t mean it’s true either. Have you considered the stress that it causes to have someone constantly interfering.

Kindly you may see yourself as the empathetic saviour of your friends and family - I can assure you that not all of them feel that way.

This particular study you have quoted doesn't alter the fact many people who adopt due to infertility including a friend of mine fall pregnant afterwards & when they've given up trying. That's not to say it's the only reason but you can't deny it happens. There are also studies which prove this. Its not from Dr google,its bonefide academic studies so go ahead & believe the ones that suit you.

As far as judging my ability to support my friends family when asked,I can assure you they appreciate it or they wouldn't turn to me with problems. I never tell people what to do.I generally say what I would do in the situation & it's up to people to decide.