I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

Yabu. Your children are part of extended family. Your behaviour is ott unless your child has an immune problem. Were you the same with your first child.

Your being OTT and from the other pov I haven't held some of my family due to their mother acting like this

I have only read 1 page of comments where you have been told to see a shrunk and that your worrues are unfounded. I had a baby in Switwerkand which is porobably the cleanest place in the world - I think. On the instructions of the clinic nobody but NOBODY could touch the baby without first washing their hands and draping a large clean towel from their shoulders to their hips. As the clinic said, the people may think they are spotless but imagine they have a dog whi sitsin the back of the car and sloberson the seat rest. Then they heave themselves out using same seat rest. The clinic said it was up to us to decide but they suggested doing this for the first 6 months. If we had had a guilloting in my Mum's house,it would have been going night and day but to give an idea, if my baby dropped her dummy, my Mum would pickitup and suck it ...............................

Interesting re Switzerland. My ex FIL is an obstetrician in Germany and his advice was exactly the same - insisting that people must wash their hands before holding the baby.

OP, I don't have health anxiety and there is no way i would be near a pub with a baby.

Infact none of my children were ever near pubs.
Its the middle of winter and your baby is small, perfectly normal to be careful with a new immune system.

I avoided big shopping centre's too.
Not a chance I would bring a baby into a pub with crowds.

I didn't mention newborn.

You said new mother which kind of implies it.

I don't agree with the holding the baby thing, but the person sticking their fingers in baby's mouth was gross. If you don't feel comfortable with certain things, you could just pick her up/stand up with her in an assertive way every time they cross your boundary, they should get the message but won't be able to say much about it as technically it could be a coincidence - you just needed to stretch your legs!

It's a good idea to get levels tested but also 4 months post birth is peak hair-falling-out time, as it returns to its normal prepregnancy state!

You say 'MY baby' a lot in your post. It's your DH baby too I'm assuming so he'll want his family involved just as much as you do yours. You need to speak up to his family if something upsets you. As long as it's reasonable, like asking them not to put their fingers in baby's mouth then you're not being a drama queen. If your husbands family are only just getting back on track with him then it's obvious he wants to please them by including them in his new happiness & asking them to hold his baby is part of that. Unless you feel your baby is in danger I'd try not to stress the little things, like breathing too close etc (unless they smoke or are blatantly ill). Try & relax a bit but speak up if you feel they're being out of order or putting baby in danger.