I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

No one is suggesting that ill people should kiss a baby or visit. In fact people with infection shouldn't do that to adults. But holding a baby when perfectly well isn't an issue.

It sounds like you have ocd. Your obsessed about germs and take your baby to the pub.

Yep, you have a problem with anxiety as none of what you have explained should provoke the reaction it has. That’s fine but you need professional assistance to ‘assist you’ out of it.

OP read this:

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/dec/30/children-leukaemia-mel-greaves-microbes-protection-against-disease

Essentially, exposure to microbes can be beneficial to a baby under one, giving them a boost to the immune system.

“For an immune system to work properly, it needs to be confronted by an infection in the first year of life,”

And then he goes on to link an immune system that is primed to changes to his or her susceptibility to leukaemia.

So exposing your child to others is a good thing! Obviously we don't want to expose a newborn to colds. But ideally you want that exposure in the first year.

I hope you are receiving help from a mental health professional. The anxiety you describe is certainly debilitating.

You do come across as a tad anxious but there are a shitload of respiratory illnesses going about so ita a no to kissing/breathing on babies.
The fingers thing, nooooooo
Just relax a bit x

There was a poster above who said someone was making up guidance re kissing babies.

The advice also mentions washing hands before touching a baby which I’m guessing didn’t happen (I find this app glitchy and don’t want to go back to check) and contributes to OP’s anxiety regarding putting fingers in the baby’s mouth.

Again, people can think this is OTT and not apply it to their own lives, but I think it’s unfair to think OP is being unreasonable when it sounds like what she wants is in line with medical guidance.

I’m with you, OP. No need this pass a 4 month old baby around during peak winter bugs season (and just before Xmas too). At this age, baby could easily end up in a hospital if it catches RSV or similar, and people are often contagious before they have symptoms.

Do you have a baby carrier, I’d try and keep her in me on the baby carrier next time.

Way OTT

You need to sort yourself out Op.

I think youve received some responses from people with the emotional intelligence of a shoe. You sound like you have ppanxiety, well done for contacting your gp, it’s a really difficult time for lots of women and really common.
I do agree it’s different with your family because you can communicate, and no one should be putting their hands in your babies mouth. I do think A lot of people are gross and don’t realise, and it’s hard to hand your baby over to people you don’t even like.
I basically agree with everything you have an issue with, but I think your reaction is just a bit strong and it sounds like it’s probably quite tiring for you to be that anxious too. I hope your gp is able to help, well done again for recognising it

but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately

Gently, I think it would be important to get help with your anxiety before your child is much older - its going to be extra tough for you otherwise.

Well done for taking action OP. I hope the GP will be able to support you with your anxiety. Not all germs are bad, and we all need to be exposed to them to build up our immunity. Unfortunately COVID made a lot of people much more germ phobic. Good luck.

Well done for hearing what people here are saying and seeking support.

Please get some help. My mothers anxiety in my childhood has affected my whole life.

Get yourself sorted or the reverberations could be generational!

Feel for you though, poor you. 🌸

O love, being anxious about your baby is horrible. I’ve been there. But honestly, let your in laws hold the baby. It’s very normal. Don’t push your village away because it really does take a village.

Yes you're being v unreasonable. I get it's due to anxiety about germs but it's not a normal level of anxiety and you need to sort it out.

They're the baby's family. They will all be so in love with baby and want to see and spend time with baby. That's actually a lovely thing really that your baby has so many adults that love it and will help raise it. That baby will grow up and be at baby groups soon and nursery in a year or so and you definitely will not be able to control germs then!

Please get some help. I suffered terrible germ related anxiety when my dc were young. It didn’t start when they were babies. The onslaught of nursery germs triggered it. I had cbt and medication and look back now and think how ott I was. If I hadn’t had that, I think I would have imploded when Covid kicked off.
I think yabu for not allowing your baby to interact properly with family. At 4 months she is not a newborn and building immunity is important in the first year of life. However, I do understand how being in the grips of anxiety can prevent you from thinking this way. This is definitely a mental health issue.

OP I could’ve written this 10 years ago. My anxiety around germs was sky high. Please speak to the health visitor and get a referral in the new year ❤️

You mean you agree with the poster, surely?

We're all anonymous randoms here, you'd be daft to agree with anyone based on the profession they claim to work in.

You need help with your anxiety. Your in laws are fine to hold the baby...

It is perfectly normal for a baby to be handed around family members. If someone is ill then skip them, but you will need to come to terms with this. She's part of his extnded family too.

I’m with you on the fingers in mouth thing. Besides that, I agree with pp that you have a level of anxiety you should seek help for. Contacting your gp ( as you already plan to do) is a good first step.

I can see I'm in the minority but hasn't covid taught us anything?

Why do people need to get right into a babies face? My Mil did this after telling us she had a sore throat and she's germ phobic.

Putting your fingers into any babies mouth is absolutely repulsive. It's your instinct here trying to protect your tiny baby op, don't apologise for it.