I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

I’ll start by saying that I’m a GP so I have lots of experience dealing with unwell babies. I’ve also seen babies getting very unwell and being hospitalised with bronchiolitis, flu etc and it’s extremely stressful for the baby and parents involved.
On that note, I do agree with you OP as I’m exactly the same with my baby. I don't want my baby to get ill and I set clear boundaries with everyone including my family. Having a relationship with family members is good for the baby. It helps brain development to interact with other people and that’s how baby learns. Also some exposure to others helps to build up baby’s immunity which is also good. They can hold her and play with her within reason but no kisses, no dirty hands in baby’s mouth and no breathing directly into her face. As baby gets older your anxiety will ease up. But ultimately it’s your baby, your rules. People should respect that. End of. It’s the parents’ responsibility to make sure that their baby/ newborn is safe so no YANBU. I understand where you’re coming from.

As others here have said you do need help with your anxiety. Whether it's accepted by you or not op your in-laws are no less related to your children than your own family so it's natural for them to want to have a cuddle with a new baby. I wish you well & hope you receive the support you need.

Having just read the post from a GP I would definitely take this good advice regarding being careful with people around your baby although I'm sure they would agree we can protect them as best we can but viruses are extremely difficult to control.There is a fine line between being cautious & becoming extremely anxious day to day.

So true!
DS as a toddler fell in dog shit.

All over his hands
I was furious with the idle dog owner ,and as son was a thumb sucker, getting him home without sucking thumb was a nightmare!
But he was fine!

It is absolutely fine to have boundaries you expect family members to respect where your baby is concerned and I don’t doubt that your inlaws general lack of interaction with your children is fuelling a concern that they won’t listen.

However, the level of anxiety you’re feeling sounds awful and really hard to live with for you, in yourself. I’m glad you’re going to look to get some support.

Imagine how you might feel in years to come if your dd has a baby and her dp/ dh won't let you hold them for being germ ridden. You would probably feel very hurt. You need to consider getting help for your anxiety op

You said "A baby doesn't need to be passed around the room".

The baby was held by her aunt and then her grandmother.

That's it. No hyperbolic 'passing around the room' occurred.

I think your hormones and instincts are definitely playing a part in your feelings OP. It will get better though. I agree you with you about the fingers in the mouth thing, totally inappropriate. However, as long as they aren't sick, I think you need to soften up a bit and let them hold the baby sometimes. If they cross a line, just have an excuse ready and pick up the baby (oh it's time for baby's nap, change, medicine).

Babe I'm 100% with you! I get it! I mean who puts their nasty fingers in a babys mouth ewk

Sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread but I really wish my parents liked my children, never mind want to cuddle them.

They are both neurodiverse and my parents think they are ‘naughty’

You have an older child, so you know this phase will pass and once the ‘new’ phase passes, no one will be overly bothered about your kids.

However, I do get not wanting your new baby to be passed around, I don’t think you are being overly precious. Unless they are going to come and help,you when the baby gets sick then if you feel uncomfortable you need to speak up.

Trust your own judgement. You know the in-laws better than any one on this forum.

If your partner and you agreed to certain boundaries regarding your baby and then he does something different that is his bad. It undermines your trust in him and your relationship.

I see the main problem here that you find it difficult to assert yourself with your in-laws. Why do you care what they think of you if you do?

Send your partner to the toilets when your 3 year old needs assistance.

I’m sure you’re doing a fantastic job but I forgot to add, separate to the issue regarding DH’s family members breathing in baby’s face and putting their hands in her mouth (which I agree with you about)…
if you are feeling generally tearful, sad and anxious post-partum, I do think it would be good idea to speak to your GP to get some help and get referred for your anxiety as talking to a professional often helps address these issues. You can also contact IAPT (talking therapies) directly in your area and self-refer. Just google “IAPT/ talking therapies near me”. There will be a contact number and a quick form to fill out online and you can choose either phone or face to face therapy. Hope this helps.

I would be very happy to hold my brothers babies. I live in another country so this was never possible. I babysat the older one when he is 2 and never met him before. The boy was fine with me for few hours. Did not die or got ill after I handed him back to his dad. What the heck

I couldn't read beyond halfway. You really do have extreme levels of anxiety. Talk to your GP, get some help, and hopefully you'll be able to enjoy normal group situations in future.
And FWIW, your baby will benefit hugely from being passed around loving family members and being a cherished part of an extended family. Those benefits outweigh the odd sniffle.

Also have been living in aupair and nanny here to kids and babies never met before. All of them grown up now and parents and kids still love me;

in the aupair world you come as you are from abroad and handed kids and babies all ages and expected to behave like a mum or a sister, doing it all.

Although I agree it’s sensible to be careful about young babies catching things. I do think OP’s reaction to it is concerning in terms of her wellbeing. I’d be very annoyed if someone put their fingers in my babies mouth or let them put their fingers in theirs.
I hope you manage to get some help from the GP OP because it must be horrible to feel so anxious all the time.

My ex MIL kissed my newborn with a cold sore but it was because she used the other side of her face apparently

Current medical advise is you don't let people kiss your baby, even grandparents.

No it isn’t. You’re making this up to assuage your own obsession over germs and illnesses.

Children need to catch bugs in the early years in order to build up their immune system. That’s a well established theory.

Were you always anxious over every minor illness when your own children were babies or is this a new thing?

Sharing breath sounds too ill. The woman has a right to breathe and even kiss a baby on the cheek. She is his/her blood relative

You are suffering from anxiety and it's clouding your thought processes. Apart from anything else you are on danger if passing those anxieties onto your children. They may well think that the way you behave is completely normal and not be able to cope when they go to nursery or school. How will you feel about messy play or just kids getting muddy?
And try to remember that all children need to build up immunity to illness, wrapping them in cotton wool is not helping them.

I agree with the doctor

The doctor used those words, I was paraphrasing

That is current medical advice because of the danger of cold sores

Should have also said, it's not your fault you're anxious. It's an illness and it's treatable. Get help, and don't beat yourself up over it.

Your baby isn't a tiny vulnerable newborn, you'd had her in a pub with extended family.

I think YABU and that your DH has every right to allow his family to hold his child as much as you do with your own family.

This idea of "sharing breath" is quite bizarre truthfully, and it might be worth speaking to your HV about some additional support if this is something you routinely feel anxious about.

Re medical advice and kissing babies I just googled very briefly and found that The Lullaby Trust advises:

"1. Wash your hands before you touch a baby

1. Do not kiss a baby unless you are their parent or main carer - even then do not do this when you are unwell

1. Do not visit a baby if you are ill , have recently been ill, or have an infection"

Posters are of course welcome to think this advice is ridiculous, but this is the current advice in UK