I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

If your husband knew how you feel, then he shouldn't have said who wants to hold her.

Errrm yes he should!

He knows no harm is going to come to his child if his mother and sister want to hold her.

I think you need to see a GP about your anxiety issues. This isn’t normal at all.

It’s always the way. People just read the ops first post and don’t bother reading updates . So the advise is often old news and not relevant anymore . But , that will never change . I see it all the time .

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset.
I understand some comments here saying it may be a bit of an overkill in terms of detail what works and what not etc..
But main point for me here is that your husband knows you are anxious, and you went out during flu season regardless so dc can bond with his family. Yet he doesn't respect the boundaries you've set so you could feel OK going out to this pub with dc. To me that doesn't sit well, perhaps because I am also on the more cautious side and my dh is very relaxed - so I feel your pain.

Hi op,

be gentle in yourself and whatever you are feeling is valid and important. It is a DH issue as if you aren’t « ready » then he shouldn’t propose…try to again share your feelings but remember it is his baby too and he is just trying to get some bonding going on.

maybe holding off « meeting » until you are ready…if you can give a « line » so to speak as to when you will feel more comfortable?

You won’t be able to « hold of » for ever so if it carries on, I would maybe try and think why you feel that way and how you generally feel because I am unsure this particular feeling should stay long.

Good luck op 🌺

For what it’s worth @QuestioningThings1 i don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I felt similarly with my first when they were little. The difference is my DH was on the same page and respected how I felt (though MIL did get close to baby’s face but DH reminded her not to).

however it’s always a good idea to seek support if you’re struggling with your MH or at the very least talk to someone trusted about how you’re feeling, what’s going on for you.

Maybe I’m ‘precious’ too like others have said (dang right I am 😉) but you’re not alone in how you feel and you are in fact, normal, whatever the hell that means. Wishing you and your family a lovely festive season.

Yes, you’re being unreasonable.

OP I am happy to hear you are going to get help with your anxiety and that you took comments onboard like a champ. I wish you well, have a lovely Christmas ⛄

Is it possible the baby's grandparents stayed away from the first child because of similar issues, feeling they weren't welcome or trusted with the baby? Regardless, grandparents who love your baby are valuable. They're part of your child's team for life and this is bigger than how the mother feels about it. They're not to be discarded or kept at arm's length without good reason.

Nothing in particular, it just makes me feel very very uncomfortable. I hate the thought of my baby being passed round a group of people. Not enjoyable for the baby is it either, they just want their mum, and surely it’s the baby’s feelings that matter!

In my experience babies don’t care. Mine wanted my mum, not me. She was a baby whisperer.

YABU OP - no one was ill and no one acted with the intent to harm your baby or make them ill. They just want to bond with them.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. This is how my husband ended up with the herpes virus, from an over enthusiastic aunty who had an active cold sore slobbering over him when he was young.

The flu virus this year is the worst one in ages and there are all sorts of other nasties in circulation. Keep your little one safe.

My eyes rolled reading this.
Your poor husband!! It's his baby too!! Jesus christ how does he cope?
Your kids will resent you for being overbearing- please speak to a GP

But your DD1 brings all the germs home from the nursery, do you not let her touch the baby?
I cancel play dates if my or the other child has fever as I obviously want to avoid getting ill but cough or runny nose is just unavoidable in the nursery.
when my DC2 was 2 months old I saw my friend in her house, her 2yo was playing and sneezed on my DC few times. The next day my friend called to say that her 2yo had a chickenpox- very infectious! I was terrified my DC would get it but she didn’t.

Good Lord.

YABU.

You need some serious help this all a YOU problem not a them problem there is nothing wrong with people wanting to hold and interact with your baby I think you need to stop being so hysterical over all this and see someone for your anxiety.

I think if the baby had been 4 weeks old then I’d have agreed with everything you said, though I probably wouldn’t have gone to a busy pub at that stage.

I think holding close to face at 4 months is fine. However sticking fingers in mouth, especially while out at a pub I’d not be ok with. Also you are completely not unreasonable to want your baby back when crying. I absolutely hate when people refuse to return a crying baby!!

having said that, I think the panicking afterwards does feel a bit like PPA! Especially is this is not your first child. Might be worth chatting to the GP

With all due respect you really some help and your behavior is dangerous to the sort of mentally and illogical fear you’ll pass on to your child

yes, as you have said, get some help from your gp or health visitor. Keep trying if they don’t initially help enough - there are many levels of support and I dont think yours will be quick. Asking people if they are well before you meet up is also not in the norm, so you are clearly fixating your anxiety on germs and illness. Is there anything else that you try to control? If your baby is well, it’s normally better for them to be exposed as it builds a better immune system as they grow. Anyway, as people say, this is more about you than the children, DH or in-laws. You can beat this but you can’t do it alone and it will take you time. But don’t give up - you can develop resilience and find mental peace. Good luck.

Yes it's his baby but I imagine if baby falls ill it will be op doing most of the caring.
My dh was more than amazing with our babies, he was amazing but a screaming crying sick baby who wanted mum is something he couldn't change

Couldn't agree more.
Every new mother has anxieties about their babies, especially first borns.
It's normal, and making out this mother is desperately in need of help is ridiculous.
IF she still feels so protective around relatives when the baby is toddling, that would be a different matter, but for now, imo, she is simply wanting to keep her baby free from germs.

Incidentally, why do so many stupid people, apart from putting fingers in their mouths and slobbering over them, give babies a set of keys to play with? 🙄

It’s not a newborn, the baby is four months old. Neither is it a firstborn. A baby being held by its granny and aunt is entirely normal.

Sorry hun but your 3 year old is going to pass more germs to your baby than any adult. Children are the main spreaders of infection.

Sorry! You lost me at "Sharing breath"

Totally not normal my love