I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

I think advice like this is unhelpful and feeds into people’s anxiety. Babies have been cuddled and kissed since year dot.

Your anxiety is likely to adversely affect your children as they grow older. There is an epidemic of anxiety disorders amongst children and teens now, and much of it stems from anxious parents. It doesn't come out of nowhere. Please get it looked at, for your whole family's sake. It's a lot easier to heal a broken bone than an anxiety disorder, as my favourite clinical psychologist says. You're clearly intelligent and articulate, and that means you can more easily rationalise your behaviour as a response to the threat of germs etc. But if you try to quantify the threat to your child of being held by grandma, say, or chomping on grandpa's finger, it would be vanishingly small. The potential benefit to your children of growing up spending relaxed time with their relatives who love them is huge. Your husband's family will be more able to easily love your children if they can freely spend time with them in their own way. Have a look at this, and good luck. It's not easy getting past this stuff, when we justify it to ourselves.
www.drpsychmom.com/is-your-anxiety-hurting-your-child/

Why post something so unhelpful to some one clearly struggling with anxiety?

Did that comment make you feel good about yourself?

Interesting that your AIBU is about you not wanting in laws to hold your baby, but I guess your own family is fine 🙄

No, I didn't think about myself. Though I agree it was an unhelpful comment it was my initial reaction to the situation. If I'd thought about it I would have recommended therapy.

Hi OP, it sounds like you are suffering from anxiety about germs and your baby's health. I understand this can feel scary and overheating (having suffered with health anxiety for periods of my life.) I would really reccomend some CBT therapy- it really did help me and make a world of difference! X

If you feel such stress about it, plan something else for you and your kids (or just you and baby) and don't attend the family gatherings going forward. It will be easier for you to deal with when just visiting paternal grandparents on their own or whatever. Don't let your feelings be invalidated - I don't like people playing 'pass the baby with my baby either' she's a baby and a human being, not a source of entertainment/performing circus animal.

I think a lot of people have become more anxious about germs etc since Covid and it is understandable with a young baby. But good that you can recognise when you are being a bit over the top panicky.

Good luck.

The only thing I'd be worried about would be the fingers in the mouth.

I think you are feeling very fragile post birth and its good that you are seeing your GP.
Knowing your anxiety, your DH could have been more helpful, instead of forcing the situation.
I remember bringing my new baby into work (a long time ago now) and my boss put the baby's dummy in his mouth to get a laugh ( he'd had cold sores in the past) and then tried to put it back in the baby's mouth. So I do understand how you feel.

Your family seem to understand and respect your boundaries, but it seems you feel very uncomfortable with DH's family it probably didn't happen overnight so it may help you to work out why you feel like that and ways to deal with it.
If you do get some GP help, they may give you some help with navigating these situations and being able to speak up without worrying that it's going to cause a drama. That may help with the anxiety. Being a mum does make you naturally more assertive as you advocate for your children, so you will get there.

Is there anyone else in DH family that you do feel you trust a bit more?.. Could you talk to them and ask them to help, by holding the baby for you if you need to go to the loo, but understanding that you don't want people slobbering all over the baby or sticking their blooming fingers in its mouth? That's not actually that much to ask really. They might respond well to being asked for help if you ask in the right way.

You have had some tough comments on here but you feel what you feel. You've acknowledged it and now you can work out how to deal with it and what help you need. It can be a lot, dealing with a small baby and a toddler and it takes a bit of getting used to whilst you all get into your routines but you will get there.

These are early (often sleepless days) and it affects everyone differently.
In the meantime, lean on your family, they sound great. Perhaps your mum will have some words of advice. It won't always feel like this, you will feel more confident with a bit of positive encouragement (hello DH!!!) rather than guilt tripping.
Dont worry about all the prophecies of what might happen 3 years ahead if you don't "fix" yourself. Just take things one day at a time. etc.. your toddler will be helping to boost baby's immunity naturally anyway. You won't always be around loads of relatives after Christmas and you can take things at your own pace, as you grow more comfortable. It will be OK!

If your hair is falling out, that sounds like you are run down and so you might want a blood test for vitamin deficiency post preg and some advice on that. Be KIND to yourself, your priority at the moment is your small family and that means looking after yourself first too.

YANBU & I can’t quite believe the volume of posts that disagree with your POV. Fingers in the mouth is a hard no I would have been FUMING. Also pass the parcel with the baby was never for me & agree people putting their mouths too close to babies faces is rancid.

You need to deal with your anxiety and not project it onto your baby. I feel very sorry for them, babies pick up on the cues of their parents and you are in danger of giving them all sorts of anxieties over contact with other people, cleanliness, etc. Seek professional help asap before it’s too late. If you don’t then remember this post when your child is older and suffering from their own anxieties that you have effectively given them.

I can’t believe some of the responses here no one should be putting their fingers in your babies mouth

Quote one post that says anyone should be putting their fingers in the baby's mouth?

I mean as opposed to those saying the dad should be allowed to let his mum and his sister cuddle his 4 month old baby?

Again it is not about disagreeing with her post or suggesting she should allow it but acknowledging (and the OP herself has done so) that her responses are anxiety induced and not normal

Babies need to be exposed to the environment so they build up immunities. Get some help for your anxiety and let your in-laws love the baby.

Sorry, you need help

Your baby needs germs to develop their immune system. Soon they will be crawling on the floor, putting everything into their mouth. When they start nursery they will be immersed in germs. You need to find some way of understanding and accepting this. As others have said you may have PND or need some help dealing with anxiety.

I’m with you on the fingers in the mouth & I don’t think people should kiss babies on the mouth because of cold sores etc, but…. it’s her family and they love her & wanted a cuddle.

If your husband knew how you feel, then he shouldn't have said who wants to hold her. And Auntie doing the fingers in her mouth is wrong. Make sure you give her baby vitamins, prebiotics and keep her feet covered.

It’s really important for the development of babies’ immune systems that they are exposed to germs from other people as young as possible. Obviously if someone has an illness thats not ideal, but general germs is.
You're being extremely over cautious and not doing your baby any favours.

I get people saying you’re being unreasonable but I’m 100% the same. I don’t want anyone holding h my baby

Sorry but you are being a bit OTT

Why? What do you think’s going to happen to it?

We're on page 13 and people are still replying. Please bear in mind OP has recognised she has anxiety. I don't want to be the thread police but i don't think these responses are going to help her.