I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

This is meant kindly OP, but from your description I think your worries about germs and your behavioural responses to the worries (keep baby to yourself, don't let others hold her) might be indicative that you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) . The intrusive worrying thoughts are the obsessions and behavioural responses are the compulsions. Did you have difficulties like this before your babies were born or has it been since they came in to your life? I mean this kindly but I think you need to see your GP for help with this. It's not fair on your partner or family for them to be subject to your levels of anxiety, which are higher that usual for a mother to young baby.

YABU and if you cannot see that then you need to get some help for your anxiety . Your husbands relatives are your child’s family , your baby is your husbands as much as yours , besides which if you are that germ phobic why take your children to a pub in the first place

Try to remember that during this first year your baby is building up her immune system, something that you hope will keep her strong, well and healthy for her lifetime. She is also learning to respond socially with family who love her and to be confident with a wider range of people. By interacting with family members you are giving her so many positive experiences and opportunities.

I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else. You really need to get some help to get a grip on this or your life will be totally miserable. You can't keep your baby in a bubble where you never let anyone hold them or never let them get sick. Babies (and children) do get bugs and get ill from time to time but it actually helps them to build immunity.

I do understand you not wanting your baby to get the flu bug that is going round though. It will be totally miserable for a little one and not nice for you to see them that poorly so I do actually get that. However in general, you will go crazy trying to constantly shield them from germs. Once baby is crawling there will be no stopping them and nursery/school is a breeding ground for germs. So please get yourself some help to calm your anxiety around this. I feel for you. Anxiety sucks so I really hope you manage to get on top of this for everyone's sake. xx

You need to recognise that what you're feeling isn't normal.
You must see babies out all the time with their grandparents surely? That's normal.

To not recognise the problem is with you not them, will do enormous damage to your relationship with your husband and his family.

You need to recognise that your anxiety is extreme and address that. Otherwise you are headed route one to never letting your children live a normal life.

Get some mental health support otherwise you'll ruin your child's school year's with your unnatural obsession about germs. This is actually a mental health issue. Kids and schools are petri dishes, how are you going to cope? You need germs to build a strong immune system.

Sorry OP, I think you're going too far on this one. I'm usually Team Mum but your anxiety is going to ruin relationships for you and your child going forward.

Just realised you have a three year old as well, so this is not PFB anxiety. Maybe speak to someone who you trust , at your GP or via your Health
visitor. It could be that you are finding life hard atm with a baby and a toddler ( and Christmas!) and just need a bit of reassurance that things are fine.

I really hope that I can cuddle my grandchildren when/if they come. Babies are so much more chilled when used to being passed for cuddles. I’m so thankful my nephews parents were happy for us to be involved and let us build a relationship from an early stage. I hate this overprotectiveness that seems to be the norm on mn. Many of us don’t get lots of opportunities to hold little babies, it’s precious and I never understand the selfish approach in the guise of boundaries.

You are so incredibly unreasonable

Sounds like these people overstep boundaries and you're understandably uncomfortable with this. You should be able to state your needs without worrying about damaging your DH/in-law's relationship. I'd maybe seperate the in-law issue out from the hygiene issue

Sticking fingers in your baby's mouth isn't great, but realistically, babies come in to contact with allsorts. They spend time on the floor, putting grubby toys in their mouth, licking random stuff, being touched by other germy babies... You can't control this. And if it's not your in-laws it will be someone else.

It's very odd how they waited until you had left your baby unattended/with DH to pounce on them.
It's not their baby, you decide what works for you. Your DH should be protecting the space of you and baby. Not advocating for others regardless of who they are.
You are doing what feels natural. It's very healthy. It's just not common. Suggest a no-one to hold the baby rule until the baby can talk. Then the baby can say if they want to be held.

You need to make an appointment with your doctor and get some help for your anxiety - your feelings aren't norma or healthy, and you risk causing permanent damage with your in-laws if you carry on the way you are.

This is an immense level of anxiety and not justified. Please seek help

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still

No, I think this is way more than that and perhaps a trip to your GP is in order?

The baby's 4 months old, not 4 days.

Fingers in the mouth is a no-no but other than that it's way OTT I'm afraid.

I don’t normally say this, but you need to grow up. You sound unbearable, your family can hold the baby but your husbands can’t! The issue with germs is your problem to deal with, it won’t harm the baby, seek help if you need to

There are two families her and both should have equal opportunity

You need help, OP. Your behaviour is not normal.

You need to expose your baby to the world around her. I don’t think you’ve got a reasonable perspective on this.

It's very odd how they waited until you had left your baby unattended/with DH to pounce on them.

Nobody 'pounced' on anyone, that sort of hyperbole is just feeding the OP's paranoia.

It's not odd at all. The baby's father had to wait until she was out of the way, to offer his family a hold of his own baby, because presumably he knows his own wife.

I would rather my child caught a nasty cold from an aunt than inherited this crippling anxiety which you will almost certainly pass on unless you seek help.

100% this. Bear in mind that exposing baby to some illness is good for their immune system (I’m not saying try to but it won’t hurt them).

Your reaction OP is exceptionally over the top and big. You level of anxiety isn’t normal and not wanting family to hold you baby, feeling affected for hours and crying is a huge catastrophic reaction. I seriously think you need to take a breath and get some fresh perspective.

You are absolutely being unreasonable. I would say your in-laws had children and they are all alive, healthy and fine.

Seek help op. This is not reasonable behaviour.

Totally. I get really tired of the over huge language to make a point. God forbid he wants to hold his grandchild.

Pounce? Give over..

I imagine the DH waited until the OP was out of the room before letting his parents cuddle the baby because he had every reason to anticipate her negative reaction when she saw.

And are you kidding about waiting until the baby can ask to be held?

OP - there are risks to germs of course. But there are also risks to behaving the way you are and denying your baby the chance to be held by different people, and learn to interact and socialise with different people.

I have a 5 month old niece and I would be very upset if my SIL told me I couldn't hold her, I think the baby cuddles are the best bit of having a new niece so far!

You need to get some help, children pick up germs everywhere and it's not a normal reaction to start banning family members from holding her because you are upset about what the might give her. And kindly, you have her most of the time, I don't think it's healthy to suggest she shouldn't leave you and form bonds with other people.