I don’t want my in laws to hold my baby, AIBU

[QuestioningThings1]

We met DHs family at the pub yesterday for Christmas drinks. I passed our 4month old over to DH while I took DD1 to the toilet, when I came back DD2 was being held by SIL. She had my baby right in front of her face so they weren’t kissing but sharing breath and I could have cried on the spot. I didn’t want to make a scene because no one was unwell and baby was happy but DH knows how I feel about germs. I’ve been extra paranoid lately as everyone is getting the flu and saying it’s the worst they’ve ever had it they’ve been bed bound etc. Then we get baby back and then DH is stood up with baby asking others if they want to hold her. MIL had her next at which point baby started crying, thank god I thought while saying I’ll take her back now thank you and I kept hold of her until we went. But again she was very close to her face. I had her on my knee in conversation with DH while his auntie spoke to baby and then when I looked she had her fingers in my babies mouth!! I quickly moved her away and said oh she’s teething and took her away at which point I said to DH I want to go home now. We’d been there 2 hours anyway and I was on the verge of tears at this point. We got home and I couldn’t sleep my heart was beating fast and it still is this morning. I feel so so guilty about not being able to say in front of everyone I don’t want my baby being passed round or not being able to say what the fuck are you doing putting your dirty hands in my babies mouth. I get DH just wants his family to bond with our kids but up until 6 months ago they have not been arsed with our kids and DD1 is 3. We see them for an hour once every 3 weeks. I fell out with DH as soon as we got home because I was so stressed and anxious and he knows how I feel about playing pass the parcel with the baby and I was stressed about the hands in the mouth thing so I guess I took that out on him as well even though that was my fault for not watching.

He said I do it with my family (play pass the parcel) but I don’t. If I need a wee or need to sort DD1 out I say to my family can you hold her while I do x, y or z. Both of my sister have just had babies and if I want a cuddle we will swap. I never walk into a room and say who wants a hold, I will always try and keep her with me when I can because I’m mum and I want her with me. Also with my family I can and do tell them often. ‘Don’t get too close to her face when you’re holding her’, ‘I can smell smoke on you so no sorry’ ‘Don’t kiss her thanks’ ‘Don’t put your hands in her mouth’. I have a very close relationship with my mum and sisters and they know my boundaries and I’m very comfortable to remind them if they forget. I don’t have that same relationship with my in laws, neither does DH. We have a lot of history of them not respecting boundaries and talking behind our backs because we’ve set boundaries and the last time we met up my FIL was coughing into his hands then holding my babies hand. My baby sucks her thumb so I had to take her to the toilets and wash her tiny hands and got upset after just in case anything passed. But again nothing was said to him, my fault again. I know if I say something it will probably jeopardise DHs relationship with his family and they’ve only just started making half an effort with him again.

I don’t know whether I’m just really hormonal still because my body feels like it’s going through a lot at this stage my skin has gone bad my hair is falling out but I don’t trust his family or feel comfortable when they hold my baby.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting my in laws to hold my baby?!

If they asked to have a hold I think I’d feel differently but It’s always DH asking them

As others have said you have major anxiety

You were meeting in a pub with a baby they haven't met /seen lots . Course family are going to want to have a cuddle with her

A few germs are good for kids immunity

Dd was always passed about as a baby and she is never /rarely ill and now 7

But your reply now reliese this and Hope you get help or else your fears will pass onto dc 1 and baby

why did you take her to a pub then?

YANBU in terms of not wanting an adults fingers in your baby’s mouth or in them coughing in their hands and then holding your baby’s hands. However, YABU in not doing anything about it. You need to speak up if you feel so strongly about it. I completely understand it is easier to say this sort of thing to your own family, but when it comes to your children you need to be able to speak up when you feel it is in their best interests, regardless of who is on the receiving end. So far I’ve had to tell my in laws they can’t hold baby for 30 minutes after having a cigarette and must have washed their hands, that they can’t take photos or videos of DS in the bath and to stop asking a particular question which I could tell was making my DS feel uncomfortable even if they just saw it as a joke. I’d rather my DH said this to his parents but he didn’t see a problem so I had to be the one to say it. I’m glad I did as it nipped it in the bud and makes it clear that what might be ok with their other grandchildren isn’t necessarily ok with ours. Maybe I’ve found it easier to say things after the first time as they haven’t argued anything and actually said I must speak up if I’m not comfortable with anything they’re doing

I understand your feelings here OP although possibly a bit over the top however I suggest rather than having a fear over the germs that it actually feels invasive for you, seeing people in your baby's personal space like that? Which I understand. Its uncomfortable when people get too close to me and I feel their breath so why would you let that happen to your baby? And fingers in your baby's mouth isn't ok. I would try and let people getting too close go but I would definitely say something about the fingers in the mouth.

I must admit I wondered that but presumed it was a gastro-pub and they were having a meal, where children are welcome, and not propping up the bar.

Get some help, lovely

I assume DD1 is probably the biggest germ factory that gets close to DD2!

I would be annoyed about someone putting their fingers into your baby's mouth though

My point want if she has anxiety about germs why go to a pub with a large number of people they don’t know. Doesn’t matter of it’s a gastro or working men’s club germs are germs and if you are that pandantic you wouldn’t take them anywhere.

YANBU
Your baby, your rules

This.

You are her parent, not her owner. She is a separate being and deserves relationships with extended family. Jumping up and leaving was really immature.

Plus exposure to "germs" is good for her immune system.

Have you sought treatment for anxiety in the past?

There was an article in The Sunday Times this week about how we’re making our children ill by not exposing them to germs. Sorry I can’t link it but you can probably find the evidence on line. You are literally harming your children by not allowing them wider exposure.

It's 'our baby', not 'my baby'. Your DH and his relatives are just as much part of the baby's life and world as you and yours.

Well done on your decision to seek help. Pregnancy and childbirth can batter women's mental health.

Take some control by getting a sling for the baby so people can't just take and pass. Take to the loo with you, rather than leaving them with a passer.

Keep your messaging clear and confident - no kissing, no fingers in mouth etc. But have a sense of proportion and get advice while at your doctor's appointment re what is and is not a reasonable hygiene requirement.

Haven’t read the full thread but 2 doctors so far have agreed with the OP. Myself included. So no we don’t think she’s wrong.

I can fully understand you not wanting someone to put their fingers in her mouth..that is gross and she shouldn't have done that.

Again with the 'doctors'?

All of us are random, anonymous users so you should never let other people's professional claims hold any weight.

Just read the actual posts for what they are, and not for what the posters claim to be.

You are being so unreasonable. You should get some help for your anxiety.

ETA: Well done, OP. You'll feel so much better when you can get your anxiety under control. I've been there.

It's a good idea not to take our word when we say we went to medical school - we could be lying.

Instead, google what the UK medical advice is regarding kissing babies, washing hands before touching other people's babies etc.

You do not need to agree with it or follow it. I don't follow all medical advice myself (hence why I've stuffed my face with ultra processed cookies this afternoon)

Think there is a difference between infants and children.

I’ve seen several posts allover SM this season from doctors reiterating not allowing family members to kiss babies’ faces even more so the unwell, ensure they wash your hands before holding baby because their immune systems are still fairly new.

It is still something that was advised with all my children when they were infants and my oldest is ten.

Definitely be taking my infant off someone who had their hand in the baby’s mouth, family or not. That’s just gross.

Anxiety is about being wrong - indeed it is often something right that people are anxious about. It is when something right or normal to be concerned or protect from (such as this here and germs) becomes overwhelming so that rather than being able to make logical and rational decisions about what/when/who to avoid to becoming ill or when to keep children off it becomes all consuming and irrational

and it is clear it is a massive trigger causing the OP to become highly anxious and no longer rational And shouldn’t be fed into

the medical advice speaks volumes about the state of our mental health support

The fingers in the mouth is a bit grim but the rest....you should go to your GP for some help.

I love your first paragraph , you're absolutely right.

The bit about medical advice - do you mean this medical advice CAUSES anxiety in people or that it's ignoring that people can become overly obsessive/anxious ? I'm not being goady, I found your post really interesting. Mental health support in the UK is definitely crap.

Well done, OP. Admitting you have a problem is so hard- I didn't comment earlier because I didn't disagree with what had already been said, and there was no need to pile on.

Germs are not helpful to small babies!! They don't need adults breathing into their face and pushing adult dirty fingers in

it IS current medical advice - https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk/over-half-of-uk-parents-unaware-of-risk-kissing-poses-to-newborns/

T-H-A-N-K-S guidelines; Think Hands And No KisseS. This includes three simple steps:

1. Wash your hands before you touch a baby.
2. Do not kiss a baby unless you are their parent or main carer – and even then, avoid kissing if you have an infection or are unwell.
3. Do not visit a baby if you are ill, have recently been ill or have an infection. This includes colds, active cold sores as well as diarrhea and vomiting illnesses.