To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

[Upsetorjustpregnant]

Aghhh!!! Where do I start???
My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people
in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc).
This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas.
My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL.
my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it.
Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

That’s not the point. As the PP said it’s assumed they’d stay for Christmas. You can be stressed at having extra people in the house and still be glad they’re there. It’s not mutually exclusive. If they had waited a week to come we’d still be as excited that they were here. But as someone else said. This has put a dampener on it for everyone. It’s proving a point in the most horrible and selfish way.
My mam has asked that we have dinner in ours as normal on Christmas Eve and they’ll do their own thing Christmas Day with my other brother and his family and we’ll sweep it under the carpet and pretend everything is hunky dory.

Well then you need to communicate this like adults. Typical management styleee… when you do this it makes me fell like that.

the fat they are doing it in itself isn’t the issue, it’s the manner and lateness that is. BUT don’t put this all on the SIL.. you brother I assume is a conscious adult who can make decisions - I am assuming he hasn’t been anaesthetised or suffered a knock to the head? If not then he is involved in this decision making and it is reasonable, as fellow adults to raise this.

I honestly cannot believe your brother would deprive your parents of the joy of all their children together for Christmas lunch after 15 years.

Sorry OP, this is up there in one of the most awful things on MN regarding Christmas day.

I am not a Christmas person and I just go along with it.

But to give your mother this joy and to be staying with her and then to pull out at the last minute is beyond shocking.

There is absolutely no way your brother and his wife are not aware of the significance of their actions.

I really think you should tell him explicitly that his actions have absolutely devastated your parents and wounded your mother.

The reason being, selfish tossers like your brother are just the type to blame YOU afterwards for not telling him, therefore absolving him of any responsibility.

Spell it out to him so that he cant say he doesn't know the hurt his actions have caused.

This is ALL on your brother.
These are HIS parents whom are being upset by his selfish actions.

The fact that your brother doesn't want to leave makes me think he thought they'd be with your parents on the 25th and that is why didn't mention it before or he knew and hoped he could persuade her to stay. If she wants time out they could have done the days after Christmas.

I'd be very sad if in your parents' situation, it really isn't a big assumption if someone is travelling 12,000 miles at Christmas time and staying with you that it is for Christmas inc the 25th!

I'm guessing they got here and s'n'law changed her mind about a family christmas I would have a quiet chat with brother and see his side of the story - and if appropriate see if a compromise could be reached.

What had your brother said OP?

So

a) you assumed that DB and SIL would be at these festive meals that you've arranged for them
b) no one checked that with them or what arrangements they had made
c) they didn't agree to these arrangements

And you're now frothing at the mouth and threatening to go nuclear because your assumptions were wrong?

People wading in, when they only have one side of the story.

They must be a reason they decided to leave and book a hotel - after travelling all that way from Austrailia. And it might be entirely reasonable.

This is one of the reasons i have lost huge chunks of time with my immediate family over the years. I just tell the truth. Your brother and his wife are taking the piss. If they dont want to spend time with you and the rest of the family, thats their prerogative, just as its yours to tell the to go to hell.

This isnt normal behaviour and brushing it under the carpet just leads to disappointment and angst. If you dont tell them how you feel, its pretty obvious they either wont have a clue or wont care.

OK so you did just assume and not ask.

You can't make a load of plans for a whole family, not tell them and then want to "go nuclear" at them for not going along with these plans. You don't get to dictate someone else's entire holiday.

You say SIL is difficult, is it just that she won't go along with what you want, and her husband rightly supports her?

Do they have children as well? Or just the other brother?

I can’t see many people wanting to just spend three days over Christmas children or not just in a big standard hotel if they had the offer of a loving warm welcoming friendly family only 40 minutes away.

It would have to be a really fancy hotel with spa and pool in nice grounds or with sea views or a really bad family relationship.

Whats the visits normally like. You say this is the first Christmas time they have visited but what happens on normal visits or is this the first in 15 years total.

That is ... Odd behaviour from your DB and SIL!

Has anyone asked them what their reasoning is for not doing family Christmas with you all? Or told them how upset your mum is that they won't be there?

"Going nuclear" is probably not the best option either, but there's definitely a broad middle ground between that and brushing everything under the carpet! What would happen if you called your brother, explained the situation and asked them to reconsider, as Christmas is the only time you will all be able to spend together?

The more you update OP the more I think you are being unreasonable.
Yes they have flown half way around the world but they do not owe you their time.
You also state your SIL does not celebrate Christmas so why would you assume that they would then be with you for Christmas eve/day/boxing day etc. Why would she want her children around you celebrating Christmas etc if that is not what they do (although I assume as your post doesn't specifically say your brother and kids don't celebrate)
If they also weren't told of plans before yesterday/day before then how were they suppose to know they had to be around for specific events on specific day before booking their time away. To your SIL Christmas is just another day if she doesn't celebrate.

I'd be very careful about 'letting loose' on them as otherwise you might find they do not spend the time and money to visit again. If I was your SIL, chose to not celebrate Christmas and my in laws let loose on me for not attending a gathering about a celebration I do not celebrate....I wouldn't invest the time or money to visit them anytime again soon. Travelling across the world is a massive expense and huge effort to just be shouted at.

So let me get this straight.

No one will say anything to your brother? I mean come on, this is just ridiculous.

Ffs why didn't the brother say what are we doing then? He hasn't been ho,e fir 15 years ffs you ofc would say I really want to spend Christmas day with my elderly parents. The sil is a total bitch.

So bloody rude. "Frothing at the mouth?" The op's mum is in tears because after 15 years sge assumed her son who was statibg with her for christnas" was going to be there at christmas. Of course she is angry, i would be too. I don't understand the posters condoning such selfish behaviour. Season of goodwill and all that, you suck up a christnas wuth your mil once every 15 years, surely.

Op, why don’t you calmly (even jokingly) ask your brother why he decided to visit at Christmas if he doesn’t want to see you all at Christmas?!
I do not agree with getting angry or going nuclear, but this cannot be swept under the carpet - you need to ask why. It’s a reasonable question.

It does seem a bit weird to travel all that way at this time of the year & then go somewhere else, I think asking his reasoning behind it might make you understand things more - maybe her family or friends are at the hotel or something? You don’t know as no-one has asked him, which again I find a bit odd too.

You need to speak to or message your brother.

40 minutes is not very far away? I have driven a lot further on Christmas day.

See to me, the hotel makes sense. OP mentions strained relationships with the SIL in her opening post, so it makes sense to have a bolthole to go to and of course sleep is a major priority after a long haul flight,but then does kind of imply they would actually be spending daytime with your DPs.
Let use know how you get on OP. At the least you should mention to your DB that your DM is disappointed they won't be there on CD and he should have broken the news much earlier.

Why are so many people pretending that the OP is 'putting it all on the SIL'? The title thread is literally 'go nuclear on my DB and SIL' and the first post says 'letting loose at my DB and SIL'. How is that not treating them as a couple who make joint decisions?

If you read the updates a lot of them suggest it is the SIL that is the issue.

I think a lot of those who comment are betraying the fact they too are terrible dil who don't give one f about their husband's parents and think it's OK to treat them with utter disdain.

I've read all the OP's updates. Which ones specifically blame the SIL and not the brother?

I don't see what the OP's DH's parents have to do with this. They aren't demanding leftovers and the OP isn't angry with them.

Do you think SIL means son-in-law as opposed to sister-in-law?

? What are you on about. I know it means sister in law