To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

[Upsetorjustpregnant]

Aghhh!!! Where do I start???
My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people
in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc).
This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas.
My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL.
my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it.
Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

You've posted this on the wrong thread,surely? This isn't the SIL demanding leftovers one.

ForFunAmberDeer Sorry, I got two threads confused, this one and another where the OP's SIL keeps claiming all the leftovers.

So? The overseas visitors are going away so as not to be with family, doesn’t make a difference how far that is.

Why does SIL not celebrate Xmas, op?

This. I am dumbfounded at their selfishness.

If there is 15 years till the next visit, parents might be thinking they could be dead by then. This is possibly the last chance for everyone to be together at a Christmas lunch and they cavalierly reject it? After selecting these dates for the visit??

I'd be unable to restrain myself from having it out with them.

Confused. The hotel is booked from 23rd to 25th but they are going to Spain for Christmas? They landed on Sat night so where did they stay on Sat and Sun night? was it at DM's? You mention their kids, implying there are at least 2. Was there even enough space for everyone to stay in the first place?

So are they not seeing you whilst they are staying in the hotel?

If there was a houseful I would rather stay in a hotel than be crammed in with other people, but that wouldn't mean we wouldn't be part of the celebrations

I agree it's shitty, even though they hadn't specifically agreed to come to dinner from the sounds of it. They were supposed to be there over x as.

I'm guessing your sil does not want three days with you all so insisted they go away

This is going to be my final post as it’s been an upsetting day and I’m tired. I want to enjoy my own build up with my own kids.
I’m just back from my parents and my brother and his family were gone for their few nights away.
My parents said that my brother wanted to be at here for Christmas and stay. My SIL booked this last week/ few weeks ago and was going to text my mother but my brother said not to as it was only going to make it a bigger thing than it was. I think he naively thought he’d convince her to stay. My SIL said that there were some things she would not budge on and would not stay over the Christmas period. So now they’re spending a few days in an AirBnB down the road somewhere.
As other posters have said she doesn’t have to celebrate Christmas or anything like that. Had they come at the end of the week nothing would have been said and there’d be no upset.
I know I said she can be tough work but we don’t have a strained relationship. She speaks regularly to my parents; pictures are regularly sent of each others kids and nice times are had when they’re home. She’s tough work in the way that she could leave the kids breakfast bowls out all day and my Mum has to clean up, she’ll invite her friends out to my parents house and then proceed to spend all day at the kitchen table drinking tea with her friends so my own parents can’t even eat their own lunch. That type of thing.
It’s the last minute nature of it all. And that’s on both my brother and SIL. When chatting to my parents, we are convinced it’s an abusive relationship with strong elements of coercive control. They’re very worried about my brother. Absolutely he should have given my mother a heads up. But he really tried to come home and be at home for Christmas.
It’s cruel to do it this way and is a power move. He was always going to stay with his wife and kids.
There were so many other ways to do it. All we were wanting was a family dinner. Yeah we can do it some other day, the date itself was never the hang up. It’s the total lack of respect for us. Whatever way you cut it or try to see it from her way, she wanted to do what she wanted to do and screw everyone else.

So your brother knew all along his wife and children where never going to spend Christmas Day with you guys she wanted to give your parents the heads up and he told her not too…

Sounds like his the issue here not her in the feeling let down and he knew all along there wasn’t going to be a big family Christmas. He built you all up to rip it away last minute while his wife the evil one wanted to tell you all a week/weeks ago.

You’re on glue. Your brother was the one who didn’t want to tell your family. Abusive relationship? Bizarre

I never said my brother wasn’t at fault. He is completely at fault but he’s not the driver of the whole thing. We never asked for them to come home and never expected it. When they say they’re coming home for Christmas you’d kinda expect they’d be here for Christmas.
And absolutely, better communication from everyone around would have prevented all of this. But sorry for being presumptuous that when you say you’re here for Christmas you’d actually be here and we’d plan for things to happen at Christmas.

But if he had let her send you a message you would have all known. He wouldn’t let her.

His the reason for it all.

If anyone’s controlling at that point it’s your brother controlling her and who she can talk to.

It is clearly impossible to give every single example of our concerns over the years. This is just yet another example of our concerns.

In fact at this point. Who’s to say he hasn’t forced this whole trip and her compromise was spending actual Christmas away from the family home.

Clearly there is a power struggle of some sort between your brother and SIL over Christmas. Your brother wanted to celebrate with his family and his wife wanted to prevent it at all costs. It's hard not to feel sympathetic to him and his hope he could talk her round.

Is that why they chose more expensive flights before Christmas rather than flying on Christmas day itself or later, when the costs come down?

Do you know why SIL is so anti Christmas? Any trauma there? Or is she just determined your brother isn't allowed to celebrate it perhaps because it means something to him?

Your SIL sounds awful.

It’s really mean of her. I feel a bit sorry for your brother. He has to put his wife first, but she is not supporting him to have a relationship with his family. She is being needlessly cruel.

If my kids did this to me, I am not sure that I could come back from it. It would be so callous and disrespectful that it would change things.

My parents said that my brother wanted to be at here for Christmas and stay. My SIL booked this last week/ few weeks ago and was going to text my mother but my brother said not to as it was only going to make it a bigger thing than it was. I think he naively thought he’d convince her to stay. My SIL said that there were some things she would not budge on and would not stay over the Christmas period. So now they’re spending a few days in an AirBnB down the road somewhere.

Yet, you choose to still put the majority of the blame on her!

He’s a grown man and she wanted to tell your mother beforehand but instead he told her not to.

Think there would still be an issue regardless and the blame mainly on SIL.

Why not ask your brother, yourself, instead of just getting secondhand info from your mum, what is going on?

You have yet to say that you have actually talked to him yourself, yet you can assume his thoughts that he thought he could convince his wife to stay.

If he really wanted to be there, he would.

She’s not awful. She has done an awful thing in this instance. My brother is by no means innocent but as some one else previously said it’s a power struggle between them. And then to a lesser extent a power struggle with us….even though we generally let them be. As in regular contact and no hassle between us.
Of course he’s going to go with his wife. There were so many other options that wouldn’t have created this upset. Of course they’re free to do what they want, but at the sake of deliberately hurting others is not on.

I don't understand how this is the first time he has been back from Austrailia in 15 years, whilst you say she is hard work because the SIL leaves the kids cereal bowls about - leaving your mum to clean up after them.

So if they last came across 15 years ago with young children, surely the kids are now nearly adults?

Does your mum have enough bedrooms to house all these relatives comfortably?

As other posters have said she doesn’t have to celebrate Christmas or anything like that. Had they come at the end of the week nothing would have been said and there’d be no upset.

As someone who used to live abroad, you come at Christmas because that's when you get free holiday days. Lots of countries have really limited holiday allowance. Coming at the end of the week means not using the free days.

If she doesn't celebrate Christmas, it makes sense for her to avoid a Christmas celebration. But your DB should have made that clear.

We often used to break up time with little trips when we were home, because it's very intense and family is complicated. I think it's been handled poorly but that's a lack of communication about what everyone planned to do, rather than evil SIL.

Never said it was their first time back in 15 years. First time we’re all here for Christmas. And never said it was Australia. They visit as regularly as they can, as do we. So yes, I know her quite well.

Kindly OP, it's your brother that has caused the hurt by not allowing his wife to message with the plans before hand.

”You’re on glue”? Absolutely pathetic and bullying reply.

The first time in 15 years they've been back at Christmas time, not the first time in 15 years they've been back at all.

Oh my bad, sorry.
You have a dysfunctional family and you're in a drama triangle. Your mum is the victim, your brother/SIL are the persecutors and you've taken on the role of rescuer (i.e thinking you need to go nuclear on your brother because your mum is crying).

The best advice is step off the triangle. Let your brother and SiL make their choices. You do you. Enjoy what you have. Set your boundaries - don't cook for them again if they accepted an invitation for dinner and then booked to go elsewhere. If they didn't recieve an invitation and were just expected to know then agree to communicate more effectively in future.