Page 8 | To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

Upsetorjustpregnant · 2024-12-23T08:56:52+00:00

Aghhh!!! Where do I start??? My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc). This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas. My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL. my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it. Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

ChristmasinBrighton · 23/12/2024 13:03

Where are they going? Are they spending the time with SILS family? Or with their friends?

I think they should have communicated their plans far more clearly.

mitogoshigg · 23/12/2024 13:04

Did they even discuss the Christmas plans? What's the betting that in her excitement the ops mum made assumptions without actually checking their plans. The sil doesn't celebrate Christmas and probably finds the secular side still difficult

Original poster

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:13

ChristmasinBrighton · 23/12/2024 13:03

Where are they going? Are they spending the time with SILS family? Or with their friends?

I think they should have communicated their plans far more clearly.

They’re staying in a hotel. I think that what makes it hardest. They’re choosing to completely stay away. If it was with friends you’d just suck it up.

OP posts:

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 13:15

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:13

They’re staying in a hotel. I think that what makes it hardest. They’re choosing to completely stay away. If it was with friends you’d just suck it up.

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Awful, awful calculated and cruel behaviour. I would be furious for my parents

Anxioustealady · 23/12/2024 13:15

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:13

They’re staying in a hotel. I think that what makes it hardest. They’re choosing to completely stay away. If it was with friends you’d just suck it up.

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OP have you answered whether or not your brother and his wife ever agreed to your plans or were consulted?

ThriveIn2025 · 23/12/2024 13:17

Is your mum sure they didn’t mention this previously? It just seems really weird behaviour to land and then drop that bomb. How did it come up? Surely your Mum would have told them plan in advance so they could pack accordingly?!

rainydaysandrainbows · 23/12/2024 13:20

Gatecrashermum · 23/12/2024 10:05

I don't understand the posters saying "it's their choice". I mean sure it is. So is murder and child abuse and stealing.

I am 100% with you - i have family who live abroad and who often do trips within Europe but it's all clearly discussed in advance.

I think it is profoundly hurtful to announce you are coming to your home country for the Christmas period then fuck off for Christmas eve and Christmas day. Especially if they don't celebrate it - those days have no meaning for them, surely? But they know they are meaningful to the rest of you.

Your elderly mum was looking forward to a rare Christmas with all 3 of her children and she's lost that days before it happens - once arrangements have been made and food purchased. Expensive food at a high cost of living time.

I'm so sorry. Don't go nuclear, it will just make everything worse. But make it clear how much this has hurt your mum and ask if plans can be rearranged.

Agree with Thai

rainydaysandrainbows · 23/12/2024 13:21

I meant this not Thai (autocorrect)

phoenixrosehere · 23/12/2024 13:23

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:13

They’re staying in a hotel. I think that what makes it hardest. They’re choosing to completely stay away. If it was with friends you’d just suck it up.

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Not necessarily. Not everyone wants to suck it up and stay with family if it is going to be uncomfortable especially after travelling a long way.

You said in your first post that your mum was stressed about having so many people yet them staying in a hotel is bad and makes things worse.

It seems like everyone has their own ideas but nothing was actually properly discussed and feelings are now hurt.

Original poster

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:25

ThriveIn2025 · 23/12/2024 13:17

Is your mum sure they didn’t mention this previously? It just seems really weird behaviour to land and then drop that bomb. How did it come up? Surely your Mum would have told them plan in advance so they could pack accordingly?!

Mentioned for the first time last night. They had just landed late the night before. Nothing said at all before this. They had mentioned they might go see friends at some stage in Spain over the period they were on this side of the world but nothing like this. As stated previously, when flying in from the other side of the world FOR CHRISTMAS, we had expected they’d be here, you know, FOR CHRISTMAS! Perhaps our communication could have been sharper. But we didn’t expect they’d go book a hotel 40 minutes away for the 23rd, 24th and 25th of December. Regardless if you celebrate Christmas or not, if you are visiting your extended family at this time and they celebrate, you stay with them and celebrate with them and for them. Because they are your partners family and you respect them because they are your partners and your kids family.

OP posts:

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 13:27

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:25

Mentioned for the first time last night. They had just landed late the night before. Nothing said at all before this. They had mentioned they might go see friends at some stage in Spain over the period they were on this side of the world but nothing like this. As stated previously, when flying in from the other side of the world FOR CHRISTMAS, we had expected they’d be here, you know, FOR CHRISTMAS! Perhaps our communication could have been sharper. But we didn’t expect they’d go book a hotel 40 minutes away for the 23rd, 24th and 25th of December. Regardless if you celebrate Christmas or not, if you are visiting your extended family at this time and they celebrate, you stay with them and celebrate with them and for them. Because they are your partners family and you respect them because they are your partners and your kids family.

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Yes, it's been deliberately and to hurt.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 13:29

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:25

Mentioned for the first time last night. They had just landed late the night before. Nothing said at all before this. They had mentioned they might go see friends at some stage in Spain over the period they were on this side of the world but nothing like this. As stated previously, when flying in from the other side of the world FOR CHRISTMAS, we had expected they’d be here, you know, FOR CHRISTMAS! Perhaps our communication could have been sharper. But we didn’t expect they’d go book a hotel 40 minutes away for the 23rd, 24th and 25th of December. Regardless if you celebrate Christmas or not, if you are visiting your extended family at this time and they celebrate, you stay with them and celebrate with them and for them. Because they are your partners family and you respect them because they are your partners and your kids family.

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OP, are they going to be in the UK?

i think they will have a pretty sad Christmas on their own in a soulless hotel whilst knowing they were invited to a family Christmas that they rejected.

Anxioustealady · 23/12/2024 13:30

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:13

They’re staying in a hotel. I think that what makes it hardest. They’re choosing to completely stay away. If it was with friends you’d just suck it up.

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I feel bad for them.

They've been away for 15 years = bad
They're coming over and now mum's stressed about the extra people
The wife is difficult so it's stressful when she's here
They're going away for a few days so won't be around, also bad.

Then posters thought they were staying at your mums house so they had to go along with your plans, or they're selfishly treating it as a hotel.

But actually they're staying in a hotel, which is even worse apparently.

I feel like they can't win.

In their heads they're probably visiting over Christmas because most people have time off work then. They are seeing his family at some point. They are allowed to spend Christmas as they see fit, they are adults with their own family.

MikeRafone · 23/12/2024 13:32

I think id text my brother

all the work the excitement mums gone to and you go and fucking knock mum down like a bowling ball - why would you be so blood mean spirited to come home for xmas and actually go away, what was the point of coming home...

Original poster

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:33

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 13:29

OP, are they going to be in the UK?

i think they will have a pretty sad Christmas on their own in a soulless hotel whilst knowing they were invited to a family Christmas that they rejected.

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Yup, heading away in the next few hours and will be back in a few days. To 40 minutes down the road. The rest of us will be back to work in a few days so that time together would have been lovely.
And for those asking, I do actually like my SIL. She can be tough work and a lovely person all at the same time. But today I don’t like her or my brother.
I don’t always love going to visit my in laws but I do it for my husband and my kids. And do you know what, I usually end up having a lovely time.
Ya they can do what they want, where’s the thought and respect for other people.

OP posts:

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 13:36

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:33

Yup, heading away in the next few hours and will be back in a few days. To 40 minutes down the road. The rest of us will be back to work in a few days so that time together would have been lovely.
And for those asking, I do actually like my SIL. She can be tough work and a lovely person all at the same time. But today I don’t like her or my brother.
I don’t always love going to visit my in laws but I do it for my husband and my kids. And do you know what, I usually end up having a lovely time.
Ya they can do what they want, where’s the thought and respect for other people.

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It has potential to really cause a rift, I wouldn't really be able to respect him especially after this. It's so hurtful and actually puts a dampener on everyone's Christmas now. Be better they stayed at home.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 13:37

Anxioustealady · 23/12/2024 13:30

I feel bad for them.

They've been away for 15 years = bad
They're coming over and now mum's stressed about the extra people
The wife is difficult so it's stressful when she's here
They're going away for a few days so won't be around, also bad.

Then posters thought they were staying at your mums house so they had to go along with your plans, or they're selfishly treating it as a hotel.

But actually they're staying in a hotel, which is even worse apparently.

I feel like they can't win.

In their heads they're probably visiting over Christmas because most people have time off work then. They are seeing his family at some point. They are allowed to spend Christmas as they see fit, they are adults with their own family.

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You are trying to paint it as chaos but I just don’t buy it. When someone visits their mum and dad over Christmas week after 15 years, it’s going to be assumed by the mum and dad that they will stay for Christmas.’

It would have been better if they stayed away entirely.

Inmydreams88 · 23/12/2024 13:37

You said yourself your mum was stressed about having an extra 7 people in the house and finds SIL "difficult" so isn't it a good thing that they have decided to book a hotel so they aren't imposing on you all? Clearly they want some space, and you'll likely see them all at some point over their holiday. It's hard to travel across the world with a big family and try to please every fucking body.

NiftyPeachDreamer · 23/12/2024 13:39

Upsetorjustpregnant · 23/12/2024 13:33

Yup, heading away in the next few hours and will be back in a few days. To 40 minutes down the road. The rest of us will be back to work in a few days so that time together would have been lovely.
And for those asking, I do actually like my SIL. She can be tough work and a lovely person all at the same time. But today I don’t like her or my brother.
I don’t always love going to visit my in laws but I do it for my husband and my kids. And do you know what, I usually end up having a lovely time.
Ya they can do what they want, where’s the thought and respect for other people.

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40 minutes away. Yikes.

Do they not even want to drive back for Christmas Day?

Although at this point I wouldn’t want there at all.

phoenixrosehere · 23/12/2024 13:39

Anxioustealady · 23/12/2024 13:30

I feel bad for them.

They've been away for 15 years = bad
They're coming over and now mum's stressed about the extra people
The wife is difficult so it's stressful when she's here
They're going away for a few days so won't be around, also bad.

Then posters thought they were staying at your mums house so they had to go along with your plans, or they're selfishly treating it as a hotel.

But actually they're staying in a hotel, which is even worse apparently.

I feel like they can't win.

In their heads they're probably visiting over Christmas because most people have time off work then. They are seeing his family at some point. They are allowed to spend Christmas as they see fit, they are adults with their own family.

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That’s what it reads like.

They all made assumptions and decided DB was doing xyz and are upset now that that wasn’t the case.

All of this could have been solved with actively talking and clearly communicating with each other. Nowhere did OP say that DB told them they were staying the whole time with family nor did OP say that anyone actually asked them their plans or to say, let us know so we can arrange and plan things so we can spend time with you all.

Think it is interesting how SIL is such hard work but they rarely ever see them since they live overseas, funny that.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 13:40

Inmydreams88 · 23/12/2024 13:37

You said yourself your mum was stressed about having an extra 7 people in the house and finds SIL "difficult" so isn't it a good thing that they have decided to book a hotel so they aren't imposing on you all? Clearly they want some space, and you'll likely see them all at some point over their holiday. It's hard to travel across the world with a big family and try to please every fucking body.

Get a grip ffs the mother obvs wants her children to be together on Christmas, which she may never have the chance to see again in her lifetime. Ofc the mother was stressed and with good reason. Sil shd have sucked it up, people on here have such detached views about families, I just don't see it reflected in real life where not one person would think this was reasonable behaviour

OTannenbaumOTannenbaum · 23/12/2024 13:40

That's pretty fucked up, op. I'm not surprised your family is upset / angry. We're off to mil's right now and I could never imagine turning around and telling her last minute we're going away instead. It's been years since we've been at hers and she's so exicted.
Your sil sounds like a cow and your brother absolutely spineless.

Purplebunnie · 23/12/2024 13:42

Inmydreams88 · 23/12/2024 13:37

You said yourself your mum was stressed about having an extra 7 people in the house and finds SIL "difficult" so isn't it a good thing that they have decided to book a hotel so they aren't imposing on you all? Clearly they want some space, and you'll likely see them all at some point over their holiday. It's hard to travel across the world with a big family and try to please every fucking body.

Fine stay in a hotel but at least turn up for Christmas Day. To thumb your nose at your family is despicable and as the OP has said they won't see much of people because they will be back at work. Pointless to have even bothered coming in

Browningstown · 23/12/2024 13:42

I would never forgive my brother for causing such pain to my parents after a 15 year absence.

Not a chance would I want to be around such a person again.

He has deliberately allowed your parents to be excited and thrilled, to pull the rug from under them.

This will undoubtedly have ruined it for you all.

Completely unforgivable and I would be telling him that.

Selfish twat. Far better he tells his wife crack on and head off, but him and the children are staying at his parents for Christmas.

That would take decency on his part though.

MILLYmo0se · 23/12/2024 13:42

mitogoshigg · 23/12/2024 13:04

Did they even discuss the Christmas plans? What's the betting that in her excitement the ops mum made assumptions without actually checking their plans. The sil doesn't celebrate Christmas and probably finds the secular side still difficult

If you are flying to your mother's home from abroad at Christmas time surely the onus is on you to mention to her in good time 'we actually won't be there for Christmas day?!'