To go nuclear on my DB and SIL

[Upsetorjustpregnant]

Aghhh!!! Where do I start???
My two brothers and their families are home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years. I live 10 minutes from my parents. We were all excited and had plans made. My Mum in particular was very excited. She was stressed too at the thought of having them all there with 7 extra people
in the house (in particular said SIL, as she can be tough work to have around constantly….just different views etc).
This brother and SIL and their kids landed late Saturday night and announced yesterday that they’re actually going away for the few days over Christmas.
My Mum text me last night to say they wouldn’t be around for our Christmas Eve dinner, which I was hosting for everyone. She’s very upset. As am I. I was awake all night thinking of it. I haven’t actually seen them yet as they landed late Saturday night, and we were at a party for my husband’s family yesterday. I’ll be going to my parents house in the next hour or so and feel like letting loose at my DB and SIL.
my SIL doesn’t celebrate Christmas which we respect, bar the presents and the food we don’t celebrate the religious side of it.
Like why come home at Christmas time and then not sit through a bloody family dinner. And make a point of it by booking time away two nights after they land?!!?!?!?

Oh I know. Well aware. I sad , I’m angry and I’m hurt. My hurt is firmly at my brother. There is also some at my SIL. She couldn’t put aside for two days her own wants and put my brother’s wants first. That’s the crux of it. And in the meantime we’re the collateral damage. Everyone bar her is upset. My brother could have mitigated some of it but only by the fact we’d have had time to process the news. It still wouldn’t remove the fact she’s putting her own wants first.
From where we are sitting, it always appears that her wants are put first. Of course we don’t know as it’s their relationship and their marriage. Hence why I didn’t go ‘nuclear’ or ‘let loose’. They are free to make their own choices.
Still doesn’t stop us from being hurt and sad.

I think he naively thought he’d convince her to stay.

I wouldn’t let him off with this weak excuse. The chances of her abandoning the paid for accommodation were small.

He is either thoughtless for not foreseeing this and warning you all, or he is in abusive relationship as you say.

I wouldn’t be rewarding his thoughtlessness by making any effort for him now.

I think I can see what this is. I think it hasn't got anything to do with sil not wanting to spend any time with you. I think she's done it as she doesn't feel comfortable around all the Christmas stuff so she's booked a few days away. Your brother obviously understands her stanxe but he's stuck between a rock and a hard place as he doesn't want to upset you but he respects his wife doesn't want to get involved in Christmas stuff. You just have to respect her decision even if you find it bizarre. Probably not the best idea to come and see you at this time of year if she doesn't celebrate but they are here now.

You could always power move her back? Rock up Christmas eve with the food you had planned for dinner already cooked and ready to serve, acting like Mrs Clause with the kids gifts, because you 'didnt want the kids to miss out on presents'. But make sure your brother opens the door and lets you all in.

Quite possible. As you said, it’s just bizarre and so badly handled. If they had come this weekend coming we’d be just as excited and delighted to see them all. This has just put a bad taste in everyone’s mouth and it has created the possibility of a creating a rift. We will have to dig really deep to continue as normal and get past this. And that is why I am cross with my brother. We could have had more time had he let us know.
It’s just tricky trying to navigate it all.

See I actually disagree with the staying. I really don’t like staying with my in laws with DC. They are lovely but they make everything SO MUCH harder with DC. We live abroad and if we went home at Christmas, I honestly don’t know if I could face the combo of Christmas stress and staying with them… they would say they bend over backwards to make everything nice… I would say they fuss a lot and don’t actually listen to what would be helpful and make everything worse with DC. Two sides to everything. I might be like your SIL and bottle it at the last moment and book a hotel and try and sell it as a family break…

How rude! I'd be fuming too. Apart from anything else, your poor parents will have shopped for them to be at Christmas dinner, which is expensive.

Your brother sounds like a coward (not to have told your parents beforehand) and SIL a selfish cow. This would really change how I saw the relationship.

I hope you have a lovely day anyway.

I agree. This has been clumsily done. I'm taking it your brother doesn't take the same stance as your sister in law? It's a tricky one. They haven't gone about it in the best way. Brother probably feels embarrassed to let you down and really it's his place to deal with his family. The fact that they've only gone 40 mins away suggests that she's decided she can't compromise on whatever her stance is and has booked a last minute trip away so she doesn't have to deal with any of it but doesn't want to see you all. Your options are to have a frank but respectful conversation about how you feel. I imagine though being as they live abroad it's probably best to just leave it. Sil is probably anxious herself about the potential upset even if she puts on a confident front.

*does want to see you all

So
DB and SIL told family they would be arriving home to his parents house on December 20th and flying back home on X date. Said nothing about going elsewhere between those dates, how would it NOT be assumed they are going to join in the family Christmas Dinner and traditions? Imo the onus was on DB to add 'but we will be elsewhere between X and Y dates' well in advance of Christmas week

Selfish bastards, plain and simple. Your poor mum, how hurtful.

How bizarre, even stranger to only be staying 40mins down the road, at that distance they could just come just for the Christmas meal but not stay over.

When chatting to my parents, we are convinced it’s an abusive relationship with strong elements of coercive control. They’re very worried about my brother.

I think you’re all clutching at straws to excuse his poor behaviour and find a reason to place the blame entirely on his wife.

She sounds vile, underhanded and passive aggressive. Those poor kids

You’ve said they are coming over at Christmas and staying in a hotel and then said they are staying in an AirBnB, which is it?

It sounds like they are coming over and using that as a base, whereas you’ve all assumed they will spend the time with you all. It sounds like a case of very bad communication and assumption! Had you invited them to dinner at yours and they accepted?

If you truly believed your brother was in abusive relationship you wouldn’t be calling her lovely or saying you had a good relationship with her. I’m sorry but you’re off your rocker, I hope your SIL finds this thread so she can stay away from your family properly. Your brother was the one who prevented the communication with your parents and has led to all the hurt feelings but you still place the blame on your SIL? And your conclusion is she must be abusing and controlling your brother despite it being his decision?

Totally selfish. Your poor mother. So your brother thought it’s ok to let his mother buy in all the christmas food etc only to be told sorry they are spending Christmas in an Airbnb. Totally selfish behaviour on both their parts. As you say, why didn’t they just come after christmas? I really feel for your poor mother.

She said they haven’t visited over Christmas in 15yrs.

No, she said they haven't visited for 15 years at Christmas time, not that they haven't visited the UK at all in that time: "home from abroad for Christmas for the first time in about 15 years"