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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
TinyMouseTheatre · 28/12/2024 20:07

She obviously has got her hands on OP's phone

Perhaps she's now also claimed the OP and is now their house slave? Grin

Hatty123 · 28/12/2024 20:17

Oh my I totally need an update on this… did SIL come? Did she behave herself? Has there been an altercation that got out of hand and she is buried in the garden? I do hope not. She sounds horrendous though, I’d frankly enjoy putting her in her place like a naughty child using the same repeated phrase… along the lines of “No [INSERT NAME], we don’t take things that aren’t ours.”
Over and over. No change in tone or wording. Like a line to a 3 year old who keeps hitting their brother or throwing their yoghurt on the floor.

As for trying to nab leftovers … I’d be saying very brightly for all to hear… “Everyone eat up! Plenty for everyone!” And if she mentions nabbing any food leftovers I’d add cheerily “oh no! Didn’t DH say? We will probably make some sandwiches with any leftover bits tomorrow and any excess can go to Boris - our neighbour’s very lovely dog who we have taken quite a liking to! Would you like another glass of water? Oh you look a little red in the face, do you need to step outside for some air? Or is it time for your medication?”
Then hum tee dum off into the kitchen to get another bottle of vino!

Weightoftheworld8 · 28/12/2024 20:24

Please come back and tell us what happened

OneShyHedgehog · 28/12/2024 20:28

I’m literally checking every 5 minutes. I don’t have a life I neeeeeed to know what happened! 🤣

Lalalalalalalalalalaoohoohwee · 28/12/2024 20:32

Interested to know how this panned out now Xmas is over?

BustyLaRoux · 28/12/2024 20:40

I wonder what happened….

RadFs · 28/12/2024 20:50

Addyview · 23/12/2024 09:51

I think I've read everyone's replies so I'll answer you all here now I've woke back up. My reason for being awake so late is specifically down to SIL and the dread of her.

She's late 20s and grew up in a middle class family, no struggles but her parents are also pretty tight, nowhere near her level and her mum hates her own daughters behaviour from what I've seen.
In the past I have let her take food home because it was awkward to say no. I stopped inviting her round for coffee and a catch up because if I offered her a biscuit or a sandwich she'd ask for extra to take home and it was weird.
On Christmas I try to laugh it off and just say no when she asks for presents but it just goes further where she will then say its not my sort of thing and she'd get more out of it, I did get a little firmer by the end of the day last year but it didn't seem to deter her any. DH ate as much as he could when she asked people to not eat all of something she wanted so he could prove a point but again she would just push further.
Saying a firm no to this woman likely wouldn't do much and hasn't worked in the past. My other SIL called her a scrounger to her face once and she got upset but carried on once BIL argued back. I do think BIL doesn't see she cries a lot of crocodile tears so she doesn't have to stop this behaviour.
I don't think she has MH issues but I'm not a professional. She just gets a kick out of saving money, I've seen her stand and haggle in a charity shop, to me she has no shame in her.

I should have said no to them coming but I really like people coming. I'm NC with my own family and only my manager and his wife come that are my guests, the rest are DH family and friends.
I think today will be an awkward phone call to BIL to let him know it's either got to be addressed and her told no or they can't come. I know it's last minute to do this but the anxiety I get from the tension on Christmas day isn't worth all this.

Hi @Addyview any updates what happened?

Mamalifehasjustbegun · 28/12/2024 20:51

Im really interested to know what happened in the end…

BrightonFrock · 28/12/2024 20:52

OP isn’t coming back.

AngryLikeHades · 28/12/2024 21:15

GellerYeller · 23/12/2024 12:54

Have you ever been tempted to wrap everyone an absolutely awful gift, say, a half used shower gel, an old bag for life, pickled herrings… and have everyone unwrap them then hand them straight to SIL: ‘I assume you’ll want this gift too Mary?’ Just to see whether she accepts?
Im joking of course, no ganging up on her. There’s been some great advice from PPs. Good luck and please update us.

Do this!!!

NippyNippy · 28/12/2024 21:25

Maybe SIL claimed the OP so she can't come back to update!

NippyNippy · 28/12/2024 21:26

TinyMouseTheatre · 28/12/2024 20:07

She obviously has got her hands on OP's phone

Perhaps she's now also claimed the OP and is now their house slave? Grin

Ah great minds think alike I dos t see this before I posted.

SparklyLeader · 28/12/2024 22:15

You missed both her communication and the insult. They are crystal clear.

"Whenever we've approached it in the past like when we told her we didn't like that she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in."

She could not have been any clearer with you, she really, really doesn't like you or your parties and she doesn't want to be there. In fact, she dislikes being there so much she engages in escalating boorish and obnoxious behavior trying to get you to stop inviting her. How hard does this woman have to try to get you to stop?

It is YOU who is the person not getting the hint. Do not invite her again, ever, anywhere, for any reason, to do anything. STOP forcing yourself on her. You will both be so much happier.

SeAmableSiempre · 28/12/2024 22:22

Well, as Christmas Day has come and gone I’m wondering what happened? Either way I would not invite this disrespectful freeloader to anything ever again.

Zvifflemeyer · 28/12/2024 22:31

"Whenever we've approached it in the past like when we told her we didn't like that she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in."

Ok. poof you're uninvited.

zeibesaffron · 28/12/2024 22:54

what happened……

MsAmerica · 28/12/2024 23:06

If you're "several years into this," why haven't you figured out how to say, "Sorry, I can't give you any to take some because I'm planning on our having this tomorrow"? Not to mention, "Excuse me, did I just hear you tell my guests not to eat? Maybe you think that's funny, but it's not."

AdoraBell · 28/12/2024 23:14

I’ve only just seen this thread and read the OP’s posts. How did it go on Christmas Day OP ? I do hope she could have behaved better.

CrowleyKitten · 28/12/2024 23:25

reminds me of cadging Carol in the Royle Family

CrowleyKitten · 28/12/2024 23:42

ribiera · 23/12/2024 06:42

she refused to pay her share on a family meal out she basically told us she would rather we didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in.
This is deranged. But I also don't like paying for things that I don't want to do so on this example I'm envious of her ;-) all the other things though - leftovers, presents etc, that's just rude.
Two ways to play this. You either just keep saying a firm "no", or you do a nice big declutter of all your stuff and keep it under the stairs. When she asks to take your lovely new clarins gift set say "oh this one's for me but I do have something I think you'd like" and produce the crappy home bargain face cream gift set you got from secret Santa four years ago. The Tupperware full of leftovers can come alongside a bag of just out of date half eaten rubbish from the back of the cupboard.
I'm expecting an update on this thread on Xmas day.......

"if you're struggling to afford food, I can give you a couple of pot noodles, a bag of rice, and a couple of tins of tomatoes to keep you going until you can get a referral to a food bank"

CrowleyKitten · 29/12/2024 00:21

cansu · 23/12/2024 10:28

Just say leftovers are already spoken for sil with a big smile. Job done. No need to make a drama and potentially cause a row.

and of course "there aren't even any leftovers yet, people haven't finished eating. when there ARE leftovers, we have plans for using them.

Shelby1981 · 29/12/2024 06:32

Hi @Addyview what happened in the end?

AngelicKaty · 29/12/2024 11:40

Hi @Addyview OK, I'm way too late to this party so I won't give advice, but I hope you had the Christmas you and DH wanted. I just wanted to comment that one thing really stood out for me from your first post: "She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed." I mean, WTAF?! 1. Why isn't he dealing with his wife's obnoxious behaviour? and 2. Where does he get the idea she's "embarrassed" when people challenge her? If she was, she'd stopped doing it! 🙄

Fraaances · 29/12/2024 12:05
let it go GIF

She’s not coming back, Loves

CheeryPlum · 29/12/2024 12:20

Here's an idea for how to deal with anyone regularly claiming leftovers like her. Say they have inspired you to find creative ways to use your own leftovers as you have noticed they don't let a thing go to waste. Thank them profusely and express how you're looking forward to saving money on your food shopping bill going forward.

I've never known anyone try to snaffle Christmas gifts before. If more than one of these people exist, I'd be tempted to just laugh and say 'No, of course you can't have it. What an odd thing to say'. If they persist, another laugh and say 'Are you still going on about that?'.

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