To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

[Addyview]

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

Checking back every day for OP update. Disappointed every day.

What a strange one she is! How was Christmas day?

My thoughts are as SIL has made this behaviour acceptable, to her at least, and has said she would rather you didn't invite her than expect her to fork out any money for things she's not interested in (I know she covets your gifts and food but I'm sure you get my drift) I would take her at her word and not invite them, yes it's tough on BIL but he really shouldn't be condoning this sort of behaviour and he is by saying it's her personality, no it's what she's learnt gets her the results she wants, I realise you get on with him and most probably don't want to hurt him but it's not you but his wife doing the hurting she's not only hurting her husband but that of the two brothers.
If your husband is in agreement that's what I'd do and I'd get hubby to go out with the BIL for a boys night out just to say that it wasn't meant to hurt him

OP is now dead all because it kicked off at Xmas dinner when when she asked fto take home ther spare napkins, everyone shouted a stern NO at her like a child and she combusted

Or else in prison because she viciously assaulted the sister-in-law.
Or a secure hospital.

Come back, op, we want to know what happened!

I reckon they're both still at the table in a stalemate over a cold stuffingball

That's brilliant :-).

I saw this on threads I'm on and thought you were responding to @Addyview update...

@Addyview please update us on your SIL!

"Seagull" would be an excellent nickname here ha ha

It's sounds like some sort of obsessive compulsive behaviour. I agree with question asked further us is she well?? This doesn't sound like any behaviour I've ever come across before. Does it need further investigation....I don't mean by you but do her direct family and husband need to look into it xxxx

It's because the said relative has taken all the gadgets & pocketed the internet hub. She's got all the lightbulbs too. No-one has seen the telly for days

Then why are you inviting her? 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like she doesn't get told "No" very often and that's exactly what she needs telling so give her the wake up call shes been lacking for what sounds like along time.

How did it go with you sil?

You need to call her out and ask her to stop. All direct and to her face. Politely and kindly as you would a child. And just keep doing it. Like a child.

Make this your year you work on reinforcing boundaries and you don't tolerate someone acting like a vulture in your house. As an alternative at the very end of the day meal she could box up any leftovers herself. Whilst she is at it, she can clear up too. Perfect job for her

Oh my god this woman doesn’t sound normal in the slightest. Sorry but you can’t pander to this type of person, otherwise they’ll go through the rest of their life thinking their behaviour is normal.

I’d have two approaches;

1. every time she suggests she wants something or tells people not to eat something on the table just tell her “nope we share in this household and everyone can eat what they want. There is no expectation that anything is for grabs afterwards.
2. my preference - confront her head on and explain clearly that her behaviour is completely unacceptable and that it’s caused nothing but stress and discomfort each year. Explain that she will no longer be invited if it continues and just stand firm to that. Sounds like you don’t need her in your life and your bro will just have to figure things out. If anything he should man up and have a word with her himself.

Whoaaaaa….. ok, so if she actually says don’t invite me to family meals because I’m not that interested anyway if I have to split costs (OP mentioned she had said this previously in another post) you could thank her for letting you know because you would hate for her to be bored or forcing her out to come out to something she isn’t interested in and is a split the cost invite.

Many families do Xmas where everyone contributes a dish or does puddings/cheeseboard, maybe ask her to do this and it’s a much nicer way than money & involves effort, ie going out to buy or make something.

I am also, like others wondering if her behaviour stems from something else. Did she come from a poor background, or could have been malnourished and treated badly behind the scenes where no one saw or knew. Maybe she had to get used to blagging then.

Those leftovers may seem like a win to her but maybe they end up in a food graveyard at home, never eaten, because she needs that win rather than the food itself.

That is just one example of many as to why she has this obsessive compulsive behaviour. It’s obviously causing her & her hubby distress so they need to address this - ie in therapy.

You could also try asking BIL for his advice on how he thinks is the best way of handling the situation where she doesn’t take and also doesn’t feel shamed either (esp if it’s an obsessive compulsive disorder).

Ok, I was fascinated by the thread. I’ve just realised - Xmas is over! How did it go? Update please!!!

Why do I always get invested in the wrong threads 🙄

The sister in law has claimed the op's computer and she doesn't have a smart phone. We'll have to wait until the new year sales are over.

the examples you've raised made me realise this is similar to my sister's lifelong behaviour- but with her its about acquiring things. A shopping addiction ( buy, hide, 'this old thing' when challenged later.. or return for refund, which then becomes 'free money' to be spent over and over.) Chasing people down the street to find out where they bought their dress then ringing around the country to get one.. When aunt and mum were terminally ill - laying claim to whatever of theirs she could, with wheedling and nagging, sweet talk, whatever it takes to get what she wants. I have no answers for you. She'd rather lose family and friends than address. The youngest , most spoilt love child of the family., a husband who indulges/ ignores because the rage that accompanies any challenging is unbearable. If anyone understands this, clearly a psychological issue, enlightenment would be wonderful. As for you O.P., set your boundaries, call it out.. there is no shame there. Just a giant problem.

From working in mental health - trauma reactions and not having emotional needs met in childhood are often root causes, with these reactions being ways to self soothe navigating a dangerous/neglectful world even if they are no longer in that situation.

I don’t know your sisters background, maybe that makes sense, or maybe there is something you are not aware of that is triggering a pretty normal trauma response. Lots of ppl respond this way, particularly when it comes to not having enough/poverty/neglect or other end of continuum being given everything on a plate. Either way needs on that continuum weren’t met. The resulting response can look the same. But that is just one example of root cause of shopping addiction. It doesn’t make it ok to hurt others with MH issues, it’s a mix of understanding and the person who has the issues to seek/accept help & work on the things that hurt themselves or others.

It’s a really difficult balancing act because the society, culture & systems we live in are also cruel to ppl with MH conditions and don’t offer necessary acceptance of difference. Things like that would make access to healthcare more easily available and less stigmatising.

700+ comments and OP hasn't returned