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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Tell SIL To Stop Claiming Things?

761 replies

Addyview · 23/12/2024 04:03

I've been with DH a very long time and we have a child together, I get on well with his brother but his brothers wife is another story. She's nice enough most of the time but makes a lot of situations very awkward because of how tight she is. Whenever she comes round if I offer her something to eat she says things like "Yes, can you also wrap some up for me to take home" no matter what it is! There's a million examples I can give but she basically won't pay for anything and is always on the scrounge.
My husbands brother earns a lot of money and so does his wife so its not like they ever struggle, BIL says its just who she is and does try to stop her.
Anyway on Christmas they're coming for dinner but last year was so uncomfortable because she basically laid claim to everything she saw. Every present she saw me open she was asking if she could have it if I didn't like it or when I was fed up of it, she was pointing at things on the dinner table saying she'd take the leftovers home and telling other guests to not eat it all! It really got on my nerves by the end of the day.
She's coming this year and me and DH are both in agreement that we need to say she can't behave like that because it makes everyone else awkward but BIL has asked us to leave it alone and just ignore her because she gets embarrassed. I'm half tempted to just cancel BIL and his wife altogether if I'm honest.
I'm several years into this womans impolite behaviour and it's casting a bit of a dark cloud over Christmas because I'm dreading her making everyone else feel uncomfortable when she starts! So to me my two options are ring her in the morning and tell her to not behave that way or uninvite them both and tell BIL why. I simply cannot have another Christmas day like last years.

OP posts:
Delilah632261 · 28/12/2024 18:19

No more invites then, it's very simple. Sorry you are having to deal with this! Some people's self awareness is non existent

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:20

Id say the problem actually lies with you...in that you allow one minute more of this kind of behavior in your space. It's abusive. Does she pay your bills? No? Then why do you need to put up with it for the sake of not upsetting her or her cuckold of a husband.

I had an overly dramatic father who would start trouble with me and my mother would beg me to just ignore him, or put up with it, or just give him what he wants, so as not to have to deal with it. Its fascinating how illogical the whole argument is of "can you please just take the abuse so that they can have their way and make everyone else uncomfortable?"

I ended up marrying a man just like it. The court room was the only place I saw someone act that way and get set straight, and were not accepting an inch of it, no matter how much bellowing, or garbage can kicking went on. It was a good lesson. Now that he's gone, my mother regrets all the years of being a mouse and just begging everyone to just appease the bad behavior.

So my advice is to put your foot down, and remember that you were not put on this earth to put up with this woman's nonsense. And every time anyone gives in it just validates for her that, "hey what do you know, this actually works." So do her a favor and uninvite her. And if you feel like being benevolent, do her the courtesy of letting her know exactly why she's uninvited. It may save her from a future of people running in the other direction when they see her, after her husband passes away or leaves her.

You can also give her something to complain about and let them worry about upsetting you from now on. You only have so much time on this planet, do not waste it putting up with other people's bad behavior for no good reason.

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:22

but doing that only opens the door to more excuses. Not her problem is she is unwell. She has a husband who can get her help. Seeing the consequences will also force him to start to deal with it.

Surreymum3788 · 28/12/2024 18:23

I need an update on this lol

Allog · 28/12/2024 18:24

If she said she wanted the uneaten food to take home I would scrape all the leftovers from everyone’s plates onto her plate and say - fill your boots!

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:25

well she's basically told you she likes taking advantage of you, it is a sport for her. Your discomfort is her sport. So leave her be. She's already proven her behavior will not change, so why give her one more chance to do it again on your holiday and your dime. Cut bait on her and the husband for allowing this and let your husband know unless he'd like to move in with them, he better side with you.

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:26

yes I agree that's tempting but a person like that would just make you look like the nut of the family, after she drove you to it.

Knowlewoman · 28/12/2024 18:27

This sounds like either a pathology or an utterly fixed personality disorder that's being enabled by her DH. She's clearly well off and doesn't want for anything, so this obsessive acquisativeness is unstoppable. I had to cut contact with a family member over similar, unchecked behaviour, and whilst not easy or comfortable, is better than being dominated by it.

You probably can't do anything rapidly but I'd suggest gradually cutting down contact or even going away to avoid her. Good wishes!

LoyalShaker · 28/12/2024 18:29

This sounds like very strange behaviour, but there is usually a reason why people behave in the way they do.
I would wonder what her back story is?

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:33

Agreed. The emotion of embarassment is there for a reason.

ThisLuckyOpalShaker · 28/12/2024 18:33

Please give us an update on this OP!

Cford725 · 28/12/2024 18:38

Exactly. Sorry we're going to Antiqua this christmas. Bye.

JammySlag · 28/12/2024 18:43

update please @Addyview I’m invested now 😂

menopausalfart · 28/12/2024 18:44

This came up on active and now I'm invested.😝

Nextdoor55 · 28/12/2024 18:50

That's hilarious I'd love to have someone like that in my family, 5 star entertainment

HappyTedMum · 28/12/2024 18:58

How was she this Christmas? What did you do?

Pupinskipops · 28/12/2024 19:01

Is it possible that you've misunderstood her motive for this behaviour and that it has nothing to do with greed or selfishness, and more to do with a gauche way of trying to fit in?

I'm wondering whether it might be her way of trying to show that she likes what you like, or a clumsy way of trying to be polite by paying you (or your present-giver) a compliment, in the way that you might say "I LOVE your dress" whether you do or not, or reflexively compliment someone's taste in interior decor, or their cooking, etc. "Your cooking is divine - I'd love to take some home with me!" or "You have such good taste in {gift} - I'd love that!"

Just a thought...

Deadbeatex · 28/12/2024 19:02

Any update @Addyview I have to admit giving this quite a bit of headspace since you posted as your SIL sounds like one CF and I'm embarrassed for her! I do understand this is your life and not mainstream entertainment but I'd be lying if I said I haven't been checking for updates to find out what happened!

TinyMouseTheatre · 28/12/2024 19:05

Deadbeatex · 28/12/2024 19:02

Any update @Addyview I have to admit giving this quite a bit of headspace since you posted as your SIL sounds like one CF and I'm embarrassed for her! I do understand this is your life and not mainstream entertainment but I'd be lying if I said I haven't been checking for updates to find out what happened!

The OP hasn't posted since last Monday. I doubt they're coming back Wink

Deadbeatex · 28/12/2024 19:08

@TinyMouseTheatre given its been Christmas and most have a lot more going on than usual I'm still hopeful of an update lol maybe OP has been lying in a dark room for a couple of days unable to comprehend her SIL latest and will be back once she's coherent again 🤞🏻

Newusernameforthiss · 28/12/2024 19:12

Gutted OP hasn't given us an update on this. Only one explanation... SiL took her phone! She's at home cackling with a whole turkey , 8 crackers and a new iPhone lol

TinyMouseTheatre · 28/12/2024 19:14

Newusernameforthiss · 28/12/2024 19:12

Gutted OP hasn't given us an update on this. Only one explanation... SiL took her phone! She's at home cackling with a whole turkey , 8 crackers and a new iPhone lol

GrinGrinGrin

Sapienza · 28/12/2024 19:29

I wonder if SIL is Mrs Popovitch in Fisk?

She obviously has got her hands on OP's phone.

Sparklfairy · 28/12/2024 19:47

Whatever kick she's getting from it, it's not from 'getting stuff' - it's from 'taking stuff from other people'. Which is really horrible.

ChristmasUsername2024 · 28/12/2024 20:02

Any Christmas dramas OP?

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