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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

162 replies

wizadora1991 · 22/12/2024 21:54

I am struggling to accept how miserable my Husband is to be around. We had our 2nd baby 11 days ago via c section. It was traumatic, although I have been actively up & about in & out of the house since about day 4

My husbands main responsibility has been our 2 year old, whilst I have breastfed our baby, as well as pumping some extra milk in between feeds for bottles

I am up breastfeeding baby during the night, with my Husband then changing her nappy after an hour or so’s feed. Last night he also gave her a bottle I prepared after a breastfeed, as her weight isn’t great. So his sleep is also broken

I however do need a nap during the day when our toddler naps. So i make sure to boob baby, prep a bottle for husband if needed & take myself off for an hour or so. Breastfeeding really does take it out of you!

Tonight i had my first bath since csection - BLISS! With our toddler which was so lovely. Baby was in her moses in the hall so I could keep an eye on her whilst I was finishing bathing & my Husband sorted toddler downstairs after toddler got out the bath. When toddler went to bed, I asked my Husband to take baby’s moses downstairs & i wouldnt be long

He text me when baby woke up, I ran him his own fresh bubble bath & got downstairs about 10 mins after he text me

Got downstairs, husband was holding baby. I had to wash bottles & fill the steriliser before I could feed as I have to pump after feeding

I could tell he was arsey. That took me another 10 or so mins. I’d made his bath boiling hot so it’d cool down in time for him going up

He’s just had a massive blow up at me saying ‘WHEN DO I GET A BREAK!!’ ‘I’ve looked after our toddler all day today and get no break!!’ He’s also got to walk the dogs tonight, so has stormed upstairs and drained the bath out of protest

I’m just at a loss, I know this time is also hard for him but i’m struggling to get past the fact he’s basically resenting me or something for napping when i need to & having the bath tonight

This sounds really pathetic putting it into words. I know he’s entitled to his feelings, but I’m just feeling a bit low after his words and attitude towards me

Am i being unreasonable to expect a bit more grace from him? Surely using our toddler as an excuse, when he also chose to be a dad, is uncalled for

OP posts:
Nespressso · 22/12/2024 22:06

This is not your fault. Do not, under any circumstances, start running around juggling it all trying to make his life easier. Your rest and recovery comes first.

Annabella92 · 22/12/2024 22:07

Why didn't he have his bath?

cuteyfluff · 22/12/2024 22:07

When does he get a break? I used to struggle looking after my 2 year old by myself. I get you need it as a priority but he clearly needs a break.

cuteyfluff · 22/12/2024 22:09

Surely using our toddler as an excuse, when he also chose to be a dad, is uncalled for

You're using the baby as an excuse then if you look at it that way. You're a team. Act like a team.

Pussycat22 · 22/12/2024 22:10

Spat his own dummy out.

Velvian · 22/12/2024 22:12

@cuteyfluff , OP had major surgery 11 days ago!

MumChp · 22/12/2024 22:12

It sounds like he could use a bit more grace from you? Parenting isn't a competition.

louisianachild · 22/12/2024 22:13

@cuteyfluff she’s recovering from major surgery, it’s his job to step up right now. OP is the priority, he needs to realise that.

If he needs a break he is presumably perfectly capable of talking to his wife (who incidentally ran him a bath so he could take a break, which he then rejected in spectacularly childish fashion!) like a civil human being.

GreyBlackBay · 22/12/2024 22:14

It isn't a competition for who needs a break more. You both need one, figure out how to timetable it in.

Imo mum will always have it physically worst, you've just had 9 months of pregnancy and a birth to recover from, but mental health doesn't work like that, you may be much more resilient than him.

Talk to each other. See if you can agree on a routine.

cuteyfluff · 22/12/2024 22:14

Velvian · 22/12/2024 22:12

@cuteyfluff , OP had major surgery 11 days ago!

I'm well aware of that. But her support is saying he needs a break.

fruitbrewhaha · 22/12/2024 22:15

I don’t understand why he needs to change her nappy after you’ve fed her in the night. After feeding I always found I fell back to sleep very quickly. There’s hormones at play here and one of the benefits of breastfeeding. He’s just knackered and may find he’s not really sleeping. Let him sleep tonight. Enough to get a 6 hour stretch at least. Then you can sleep when the baby sleeps.

Nc546888 · 22/12/2024 22:15

Hmm OP I think the best way to solve this is you do all the night stuff then he is well rested and can do as much day time stuff as he possibly can - more bottle washing and toddler care etc so he’s doing everything he can. Then you can say look youve had a full nights sleep, crack on with helping out.

in all honesty how useful is it having him at night bc tbh I found mine much better asleep in spare room and then taking baby and or toddler at 6am

TinyPairsOfSocks · 22/12/2024 22:15

It sounds really hard there tbh. You're probably both knackered and emotional. Is there any possibility of getting help in during the day so he can have a rest?

MintGlitter · 22/12/2024 22:16

Well what is he like usually?

If he's usually great and supportive, I'd assume he was just tired and having a moment. He's allowed a bit of grace too.

HappyMarriage · 22/12/2024 22:16

I think 11 days in is just about right for cracks to start to show in my experience of 4 babies. By this point your both tired, the newborn high has worn off a bit and the reality of the relentless slog of your new normal is starting to set in. I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable it’s just hard having a toddler and a newborn and everyone feels like they’re not getting enough rest and starts to feel resentful of the other person. It’s human nature and no one is at their best when sleep deprived. As a PP said try to think of yourselves as a team and not to turn on each other. Of course your recovery is important and that should be a big priority but he’s allowed to have feelings and find it hard too.

AlertCat · 22/12/2024 22:16

cuteyfluff · 22/12/2024 22:07

When does he get a break? I used to struggle looking after my 2 year old by myself. I get you need it as a priority but he clearly needs a break.

He could’ve had a break in the lovely bubble bath OP ran for him earlier, but he preferred to have a tantrum and let all the water out instead.

Cheepcheepcheep · 22/12/2024 22:17

Oh love. It’s so fucking hard. That transition from one to two nearly broke us at points, it’s non stop grind.

All I can say is -

  1. Priorise being kind to each other. Both of you.
  2. You had major abdominal surgery less than two weeks ago. Be realistic about what you can do.
  3. Draft in anyone - literally anyone - to share the load. Don’t be afraid to ask someone to take the baby for an hour so you can both loll on the sofa when 2yo naps
  4. Don’t make any big decisions for the next few months - it’s what stopped DH and I divorcing when we were sleep deprived
  5. see 1 above. Be kind to each other, above pretty much everything other than child welfare.
cuteyfluff · 22/12/2024 22:17

GreyBlackBay · 22/12/2024 22:14

It isn't a competition for who needs a break more. You both need one, figure out how to timetable it in.

Imo mum will always have it physically worst, you've just had 9 months of pregnancy and a birth to recover from, but mental health doesn't work like that, you may be much more resilient than him.

Talk to each other. See if you can agree on a routine.

Absolutely this. If he's struggling with the lack of sleep and the looking after 2 year old with no break then maybe he needs a break. Is there someone else who could watch 2 year old for a bit so he can get some z's.

Santaisfillingthesacks · 22/12/2024 22:17

None poopy dc don't need changed in the night.

Sleep deprivation is hideous.. It is still used in army training... Because it can break people..

cuteyfluff · 22/12/2024 22:21

AlertCat · 22/12/2024 22:16

He could’ve had a break in the lovely bubble bath OP ran for him earlier, but he preferred to have a tantrum and let all the water out instead.

Show quote history

10 or so minutes earlier.. he just needed that break and snapped. As long as he didn't call her names he's only human.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 22/12/2024 22:21

It's a stressful time and you are both exhausted - little outbursts of frustration are normal and to be expected. Try to be forgiving and supportive rather than turning it into a you vs him thing.

I did also wonder why he has to be involved in night time care of the baby, given daytime care of a toddler is fairly relentless.

HappyMarriage · 22/12/2024 22:22

Adding to others who are saying can you just take the nights with the baby? His being sleep deprived for the same of a nappy change doesn’t seem worth it to me. I realised through that it could be a physical things you need him to do because of your c section?

I always valued a husband who’d had a full nights sleep more than a little bit of extra help in the night

cuteyfluff · 22/12/2024 22:22

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 22/12/2024 22:21

It's a stressful time and you are both exhausted - little outbursts of frustration are normal and to be expected. Try to be forgiving and supportive rather than turning it into a you vs him thing.

I did also wonder why he has to be involved in night time care of the baby, given daytime care of a toddler is fairly relentless.

Edited

Yes I think if you're able to move about a bit more now OP maybe you could change babies nappy?

Rowen32 · 22/12/2024 22:23

Can he just sleep through the night? I always did that with partner, felt there was no point in both of us being up..
And then maybe once/twice during the day when you're feeding baby read stories/watch cartoons with toddler and your husband can have a mental break..
You've been through a lot but minding a toddler all day is hard work and trying to support you - he'll probably be fine after some rest!

vibratosprigato · 22/12/2024 22:24

The first weeks with a baby can be so incredibly draining (while glorious!) so I mean this with grace, why is your husband getting up in the night to change nappy and bottle feed? You are both getting broken sleep.

He cares for the toddler, but doesn't get to rest when the toddler naps because that's when you nap, so then he has to watch the baby and gets no nap. And then you both suffer with broken sleep.

If you're up anyway because you're feeding, could you change the nappy or give the bottle if required? If he is getting a good night of sleep, and you get a nap in the day, it might work a bit better.