Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

[wizadora1991]

I am struggling to accept how miserable my Husband is to be around. We had our 2nd baby 11 days ago via c section. It was traumatic, although I have been actively up & about in & out of the house since about day 4

My husbands main responsibility has been our 2 year old, whilst I have breastfed our baby, as well as pumping some extra milk in between feeds for bottles

I am up breastfeeding baby during the night, with my Husband then changing her nappy after an hour or so’s feed. Last night he also gave her a bottle I prepared after a breastfeed, as her weight isn’t great. So his sleep is also broken

I however do need a nap during the day when our toddler naps. So i make sure to boob baby, prep a bottle for husband if needed & take myself off for an hour or so. Breastfeeding really does take it out of you!

Tonight i had my first bath since csection - BLISS! With our toddler which was so lovely. Baby was in her moses in the hall so I could keep an eye on her whilst I was finishing bathing & my Husband sorted toddler downstairs after toddler got out the bath. When toddler went to bed, I asked my Husband to take baby’s moses downstairs & i wouldnt be long

He text me when baby woke up, I ran him his own fresh bubble bath & got downstairs about 10 mins after he text me

Got downstairs, husband was holding baby. I had to wash bottles & fill the steriliser before I could feed as I have to pump after feeding

I could tell he was arsey. That took me another 10 or so mins. I’d made his bath boiling hot so it’d cool down in time for him going up

He’s just had a massive blow up at me saying ‘WHEN DO I GET A BREAK!!’ ‘I’ve looked after our toddler all day today and get no break!!’ He’s also got to walk the dogs tonight, so has stormed upstairs and drained the bath out of protest

I’m just at a loss, I know this time is also hard for him but i’m struggling to get past the fact he’s basically resenting me or something for napping when i need to & having the bath tonight

This sounds really pathetic putting it into words. I know he’s entitled to his feelings, but I’m just feeling a bit low after his words and attitude towards me

Am i being unreasonable to expect a bit more grace from him? Surely using our toddler as an excuse, when he also chose to be a dad, is uncalled for

You have another big baby.

Just read your post again, you told me you weren't going to be long and then he text you when baby woke up.. is it possible he thought you were only going to be five minutes (like I'd presume from what you said) and you were a lot longer? And it was just too much?

Is he back at work tomorrow?
Don't play the "who has the shittest life" game.
You are both tired and probably over it. Don't run round after him
Say you are both over tired. Can you agree on something that works for both of you?

I don't think anyone is the asshole. You're both in the trenches, and drowning in the chaos of having a toddler and new baby, alongside sleep deprivation.

Be gentle with each other. You are obviously the priority to some extent. Breastfeeding is mentally and physically demanding and you're recovering from surgery. Is there anyone who can take your toddler for an afternoon?

If you are combo feeding another idea is split shifts at night.

I used to bathe both kids, put the toddler to bed, bf the baby then go to bed myself around 7-7.30pm. XH would take the baby and take care of any feeds (expressed bm or formula) until about midnight, so I'd get a good long chunk of unbroken sleep before taking over care of the baby until morning.

That was with him working and me looking after both kids all day myself. It wasn't perfect and we definitely had our moments (he is, afterall, an ex!) but at least we had enough sleep to function.

I notice you mention a trauma birth. How traumatic was your birth to witness, is this behaviour out of character for him/ is there any chance of struggles with onset of PTSD type symptoms? My OH was diagnosed with it long after my very traumatic birth - he thought he’d lost his wife and child and it traumatised him but as the dad/“bystander” he wasn’t offered the extensive support I was after and it went unchecked. Is it worth a chat to get to the root of the struggle?

Personally, sleep deprivation breaks me. I can't see why he needs to change the nappy if you are up feeding. If it needs changing, you do it. Let him have his sleep if he has toddler during the day.

What we learnt from going from 1 - 2 is that what worked first time around (sharing wake ups) wasn't going to work this time around because you have a toddler during the day

Also, it's been a while but I seem to remember Day 10-11 being the kicker for hormones.

Be kind to each other, chat stuff through but try and give each other more of a rest and chill out / use the village to take baby / toddler out whilst you have a nap.

Yeh I would just let him sleep and be up at 5 or 6 on toddler duty. No point both having broken sleep.

i often went to bed about 8/9, left newborn with DH who gave a dream feed at 11 then both to bed. Then I’d be up from 12/1 with baby all night and DH do toddler from silly o clock.

i do remember DH being floored by having our second. Imagine if he’d been dealing with sleep deprivation and abdominal surgery too 🙄 but once your annoyance has died down, try to look at how to get each of you as much rest as possible (which is never enough sadly!)

Mine pooed loads in the night at this age

A male friend of mine said number two was much harder as (in retrospect) his wife had been subbing him a lot with the first and that was no longer possible with two

You need your rest OP, you have given birth. I made the mistake of thinking DH was equally tired. Only realised much later that he gets that exhausted (and lets us know) in the normal course of life, whereas the tiredness after pregnancy, birth and sleepless nights in hospital really wasn't the normal course of anything.

Was he holding a baby who was awake and happy, or one that was screaming for a feed? Because ten mins of faffing is a long wait if they are crying.

Agree with the others, no point him doing nappies in the night. You're awake anyway, and napping when the toddler naps. Makes sense for him to get as much rest as possible overnight to then step up as much as possible during the day.

The reason he's pissy is because this is the first time he's ever had to properly parent. You took the lead on the first child. He never had to actually do all the parenting. And now with a second child that you are (almost) fully parenting he has to step up. And he's realizing it's hard work

Agree with others, it’s really really hard and you both need a break. Sleep wise it makes no sense for you both to be waking up each time one to feed and one to do a nappy, it will be easier for one person to do all of that each night and alternate so that the other is well rested to pick up the slack in the day time.

100% this. I had twins and had no fuel in the tank for me, let alone him as well. So he had to step up from the off

I also made the mistake of thinking he was as tired as me. He really wasn’t. I was drained from the IVF, pregnancy, being 43, twins and working until 2 weeks before the birth. Then l was breastfeeding them. In reality he was reading and watching films in his downtime. I was power pumping at 3am 😵‍💫 If l can do it again then l would have done less, concentrating on recovery from c section and the rigours of breastfeeding

I’m curious as to why he’s changing the nappy at night. I had a Moses basket next to the bed, plus all the nappy stuff. I’d feed and change the nappy and get the baby back into the Moses basket without having to leave the bed (also had had cs’s). More than 9 times out of 10 dh would sleep through. Not sure why you both have to have a broken night.

Why is he so miserable? Because he is experiencing the reality of the natural disaster in the making that is having two under two. He needs to get over himself as it’ll be hard work for a while (4/5 yrs?). You need a team chat

Men's testosterone takes a massive dip after a baby. He's probably not his normal self and is a bit tired from helping you out. It's not unreasonable to ask for a break. I will say men tend to need a break when a woman is just getting started but you're a team and this is a difficult time together. Communication is so very important at this time.

Are you ok to have a bath yet? I had a section and I'm sure it was 4 weeks before I could immerse the wound like that? Might be wrong tho.

Well no, she's using the fact she had major surgery less than 2 weeks ago as an excuse. Which by all accounts is far more reasonable than just hanging out with your own 2yo. And the fact she is up most of the night feeding when he's just doing the odd nappy.

"I am up breastfeeding baby during the night, with my Husband then changing her nappy after an hour or so’s feed."

I'm not sure I quite understand this bit.

Are you saying that you breastfeed and then your husband waits an hour and changes the nappy?

It's been a while since we were in this situation, but I think we used to feed the baby, burp him, put him down to sleep and then change the nappy when he woke up.

With an 11pm feed, that would take it through until 2-3am and then 6-7am.

My wife's milk never arrived in sufficient quantities, so we combi fed.

My wife went to bed at the same time as our toddler (7pm) and I did a feed at around 11pm and the morning feed around 6-7am. My wife took care of things during the night. If the baby woke up at 3am that gave my wife 7 hours 'uninterrupted' sleep from 7pm to 3am and then maybe 4am until 8am. That seemed to work fairly well for us.

It's just hard. I think these feelings are normal. For both of you. It can feel relentless but this is temporary and things with baby will settle down. Things probably aren't what he envisioned they'd be like so wasn’t prepared. I have 4 and I'm done, last one was mentally testing for me so no more.

Your recovery is a priority. Do not overdo it because you think you should do more as he's feeling it. Csection wounds can get infected and/or come open. It's important that you listen to your body, including your pelvic floor. You shouldn't be up running about, do the bare minimum for now, as rest can help prevent future prolapse. Your muscles have done a lot.

Changing nappy, if needed, is usually better to do before a feed so it wakes them up to feed and they aren't getting disturbed again when you change them after dozing off with a full belly.

Sorry just read the thread again, did your DH actually want a bath? If not, you spending 10 minutes running him one after the baby woke up could be a bit annoying for him if the baby was crying for a feed.

Does your husband know how to work the steriliser and wash bottles? Surely he could have done this while you were feeding, instead of you spending another 10 minutes faffing around with that?

I know it's picky, but if he'd got the toddler off to bed and was wanting to take the dog out to tick things off his list, but instead he's holding a hungry baby for at least 20 minutes it could be enough to push a sleep deprived person to the point of frustration.

Right but if she's using the he chose to be a father then she chose to be a mother. It's a shitty argument. Parenting is tough. They're 2 weeks in to newborn hell. They both need a break. There are limited breaks. But her husband is saying he needs one and it's got to 11 days before he's spoken up to say something so that's pretty good going.

op it’s hard and neither of you are wrong.
As PPs have said, drop the post feed nappy change. I always changed nappy before feed and the LO went off into a milky sleep and zonked out. Never had any issues with nappy rash.
Suggest you go to bed as early as possible after evening feed so you are rested before the night feeds. Let your DP get a good nights sleep most of the time (so he has the energy and no excuse to not handle the early mornings with toddler and baby while you catch up on an hour or two.). Otherwise swap roles ..Dp to bottle feed the expressed milk at night and nappy change, you do all they day stuff. Appreciating each others roles and tiredness levels is hard but definitely better as a team.
Also hard with a toddler as those daytime catnaps disappear and the lack of sleep builds up. Take any offer of outside help that you can and tag team with your DP at all other times.

Unless, as in my case, feeding always ended in a pooy nappy so nappies were changed afterwards here 😅

She’s just had a baby!