Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

[wizadora1991]

I am struggling to accept how miserable my Husband is to be around. We had our 2nd baby 11 days ago via c section. It was traumatic, although I have been actively up & about in & out of the house since about day 4

My husbands main responsibility has been our 2 year old, whilst I have breastfed our baby, as well as pumping some extra milk in between feeds for bottles

I am up breastfeeding baby during the night, with my Husband then changing her nappy after an hour or so’s feed. Last night he also gave her a bottle I prepared after a breastfeed, as her weight isn’t great. So his sleep is also broken

I however do need a nap during the day when our toddler naps. So i make sure to boob baby, prep a bottle for husband if needed & take myself off for an hour or so. Breastfeeding really does take it out of you!

Tonight i had my first bath since csection - BLISS! With our toddler which was so lovely. Baby was in her moses in the hall so I could keep an eye on her whilst I was finishing bathing & my Husband sorted toddler downstairs after toddler got out the bath. When toddler went to bed, I asked my Husband to take baby’s moses downstairs & i wouldnt be long

He text me when baby woke up, I ran him his own fresh bubble bath & got downstairs about 10 mins after he text me

Got downstairs, husband was holding baby. I had to wash bottles & fill the steriliser before I could feed as I have to pump after feeding

I could tell he was arsey. That took me another 10 or so mins. I’d made his bath boiling hot so it’d cool down in time for him going up

He’s just had a massive blow up at me saying ‘WHEN DO I GET A BREAK!!’ ‘I’ve looked after our toddler all day today and get no break!!’ He’s also got to walk the dogs tonight, so has stormed upstairs and drained the bath out of protest

I’m just at a loss, I know this time is also hard for him but i’m struggling to get past the fact he’s basically resenting me or something for napping when i need to & having the bath tonight

This sounds really pathetic putting it into words. I know he’s entitled to his feelings, but I’m just feeling a bit low after his words and attitude towards me

Am i being unreasonable to expect a bit more grace from him? Surely using our toddler as an excuse, when he also chose to be a dad, is uncalled for

It's been 11 days!? That's nothing! I think it's pretty pathetic that the man can't take care of his own toddler for less than two weeks without having a meltdown.

I find that men can't take lack of sleep the same as new mums. I'd let him get a good night's sleep so he is fully charged to look after you all in the daytime.

But he does sound like he's being unreasonable, for what it's worth

Why is he up in the night changing nappies when you're already awake? Madness.

If your baby was 6 months, or even 6 weeks I would have sympathy for him.
But you are 11 DAYS post c section?! He is being pathetic, if he can't bear the brunt of the parenting work and look after you for a couple of weeks after major abdomonal surgery without having a tantrum he is pretty fecking useless.
Has he forgotten that it's not 'just' that you have a baby now, you had a pregnany and a c section and you need to recover?

And I'm really suprised at all the people saying poor man, let him sleep all night.
Tag teaming when they are a bit older sure and you get into more of a routine then sure, but FFS, surely he can hold it together for a few weeks while you recover?

So why did he drain the bath that OP ran for him? He could have had a break relaxing in a bubble bath if he wasn't such a petulant twat.

I have no idea what this first sentence was meant to say, but of course babies need to be changed in the night. My baby pooed pretty much constantly for the first 6 months.

I think in a way a 2yo is more demanding than a new baby as you can just sit down and hold a baby instead of playing/answering questions/reading books etc.

Can't you swap a bit more? And each have a complete 30min break a day.

Also is he not washing and making bottles?

Can anyone take the dogs in for you for a week or so, is kennels an option? Dogs on top of a baby and another child is a lot to handle at this stage

I'd let him sleep through tbh, especially if you're breastfeeding. With out second we shared a bed with the baby and it was exhausting for us both. With our third we slept in separate rooms so he has the energy to look after the toddlers, which has been a much better arrangement.

I've not had a CS so I don't really know what the recovery is like, but can you feed, pump and change the baby on the bed so you don't need to kneel down or anything?

You’ve had a major operation - of course, you need a rest. I would think he understands that. I suspect he’s tired and irritable and it was the little things that made him snap. I read your post and wondered why you wasted time running him a bubble bath. That would have pissed me off too because it sounds like dilly dallying. Also, you then had to faff about with bottles and the steriliser, during which he probably lost his patience (you could have sterilised the bottles earlier).

Looking it from his point of view, he asked you to come and you then faffed about doing unnecessary tasks for 20 minutes. He shouldn’t have snapped or been babyish about it, but imagine the situation was reversed. You call for him and he arrives 20 mins later having laid your nightshirt out, polished your bedroom mirror and then washed the cups he should have washed earlier: all delaying and time-wasting, and inadvertently communicating he doesn’t give a toss. That’s how he probably sees your actions, even though you weren’t delaying deliberately.

You both need a break but you're needing it more because of your recovery from a major operation, and the fact you're breastfeeding.
Will you both get a break? Unlikely, unless you've got family around to look after your toddler for a bit. Tensions can run high in a couple after a baby us born, as there's so much sleep deprivation.
It will pass but you need to take care of each other meanwhile. Good luck

This

Plus use your friends and family. A friendly visit breaks up the monotony. They can watch the kids or take the toddler out while you both rest.

Before reading the post in full I said in my head he is miserable because he is now parenting the first kid more than he has ever parented before.

and then I read about the bath and I’m right. He is pissed off because he has been parenting more than he has before. And he isn’t happy about it.

But don’t reduce your expectations. He will soon enough be back at work, and he will escape for 9/10 hours every day .

If you sleep in shifts it really helps. For example you sleep 8pm to 11pm then your husband goes to sleep that means you have 3 hours of sleep already so your prepared for the night or vice versa. Don't underestimate doing this, it can help so much! Why couldn't he do sterilising bottles while you were getting the toddler to sleep? He can wear baby in a sling or baby carrier then he could have had a bath straight afterwards. We often end up leaving the sterilising bottles etc way too late in the evening and it stops us going to bed/having time to relax because we've forgotten that one last task to do. Perhaps a routine would help straight after dinner. Yes one of you will always be with a child and the other will usually be with the other child. It's just how it works when you are at home with two children and he needs to adapt to it. Be aware that men can get ppd too though. Washing your body and sleeping are not breaks they are basic maintenance/human needs. Reading a book, playing a game, going for a walk or watching a show are breaks! No one really gets a proper break in the first 3-6 weeks of having a newborn. I lost so much blood during my c section I couldn't even walk around the house so you are doing incredibly well to be doing so much already and I'd point that out to him!

Generally I think women are hormonally geared up struggle less with sleep deprivation. I do all the night stuff with both toddler (very rarely wakes up) and baby and have done so since I could easily get out of bed after c section. I find I feel rested even after 5/6 hours sleep, although usually get more, and as I'm up feeding anyway I don't see any reason to wake my DH to make him change a nappy when I could do that in less than a minute. My DH then is all set to go for the day time to either work then come home and help with childcare/bath/bedtime or if it's a weekend he then covers games, entertainment, feeding and majority of childcare and I feel like I can chill, go for a nap if I want. We're a team and balance out the responsibilities.

Why are you getting him to do nappy changes in the night? That's a really fast way to wear you both out!! You're up feeding, just do it if it needs doing?!

Agree with others too re sleep in shifts, it really helps

Probably not much help but my first take on this is to find a dog walker so that's at least one task you don't need to think about, even if it's only for a couple of weeks. Have you anyone who can take the toddler for a couple of hours? A day?
I think what others are saying is right, OP. Let your husband sleep at night and he'll be much happier.

I've had a c section and 9 days after it I was washing my horses legs because she has a skin condition that needs regular washing while my husband sat on a bale of hay withour daughter so I didn't have to leave her to care for my horse.

Men are allowed to need a break too. My husband looked broken mentally around day 14 because it's harrowing seeing someone you love go through surgery, struggle to breast feed and cry non stop for 4 days while their hormones crash on basically no sleep while doing EVERYTHING because your wife can't do anything. I can't imagine how hard it would have been if he had to look after a toddler too while doing everything he did for me post partum.

When you love someone you're supposed to be able to find compassion for them not just shout man the fuck up at them like some posters here. The poor man is trying his best, not only mums struggle and by day 11/14 post c section she should be quite able bodied. Is my lived experience educated enough for you?

11 days post c section he should be treating you like a queen.

For those telling her to do the nights alone, I could barely sit up by myself post section and I definitely couldn't twist to lift baby up from the moses basket and sit back down. My husband did all the nights for the first few weeks because I simply couldn't.

Why did he drain the bath in protest when it was his bath?

Absolutely this. It sounds like he's doing his absolute best to help OP recover but he needs a break

Because by that stage it wouldn't have been relaxing as they'd had a barney

I'd need a break if I'd looked after my toddler for 11 days solid and had poor sleep.

So I'm pathetic then... nice..

@wizadora1991 I'd get the toddler into nursery