Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

[wizadora1991]

I am struggling to accept how miserable my Husband is to be around. We had our 2nd baby 11 days ago via c section. It was traumatic, although I have been actively up & about in & out of the house since about day 4

My husbands main responsibility has been our 2 year old, whilst I have breastfed our baby, as well as pumping some extra milk in between feeds for bottles

I am up breastfeeding baby during the night, with my Husband then changing her nappy after an hour or so’s feed. Last night he also gave her a bottle I prepared after a breastfeed, as her weight isn’t great. So his sleep is also broken

I however do need a nap during the day when our toddler naps. So i make sure to boob baby, prep a bottle for husband if needed & take myself off for an hour or so. Breastfeeding really does take it out of you!

Tonight i had my first bath since csection - BLISS! With our toddler which was so lovely. Baby was in her moses in the hall so I could keep an eye on her whilst I was finishing bathing & my Husband sorted toddler downstairs after toddler got out the bath. When toddler went to bed, I asked my Husband to take baby’s moses downstairs & i wouldnt be long

He text me when baby woke up, I ran him his own fresh bubble bath & got downstairs about 10 mins after he text me

Got downstairs, husband was holding baby. I had to wash bottles & fill the steriliser before I could feed as I have to pump after feeding

I could tell he was arsey. That took me another 10 or so mins. I’d made his bath boiling hot so it’d cool down in time for him going up

He’s just had a massive blow up at me saying ‘WHEN DO I GET A BREAK!!’ ‘I’ve looked after our toddler all day today and get no break!!’ He’s also got to walk the dogs tonight, so has stormed upstairs and drained the bath out of protest

I’m just at a loss, I know this time is also hard for him but i’m struggling to get past the fact he’s basically resenting me or something for napping when i need to & having the bath tonight

This sounds really pathetic putting it into words. I know he’s entitled to his feelings, but I’m just feeling a bit low after his words and attitude towards me

Am i being unreasonable to expect a bit more grace from him? Surely using our toddler as an excuse, when he also chose to be a dad, is uncalled for

I’m confused as to why he didn’t have a bath if he wanted a break?
He would have known having a newborn means little sleep. How is this a surprise to him. He should apologise. My husband also did all the night time nappies changes so I could go back to sleep after feeding.

And?? He's crying out for a break from the toddler.

You are both likely exhausted. Be kind to each other. He didn't express it in the best way, but maybe he does need to try and have an hour out each day?

I get it. I had a 2 year old in lockdown and he was absolutely exhausting for 14 hours a day. In his head he's getting up to change the baby's nappy (why?), looking after the toddler all day as well as the baby while you nap. When you say "when the toddler went to bed" is he doing bedtime too? He probably would really benefit from an hour where you stick the TV on for the toddler while you feed the baby.

Same. Feeding triggers the digestive system!

OP isn't just recovering from childbirth, but a C-section and breastfeeding too. Her needs by far outweigh her husband's right now, how on earth do you think this is a situation of equal needs?

What a knob he is! You seem to be coping just fine after major surgery. What’s his excuse?

Well he was about to get his break but threw his toys out of the pram instead.

Maybe a bubble bath isn't the break he wanted or needed at that moment. I wouldn't want one right before walking the dogs. It was thoughtful of OP to offer it but maybe next time it'd be better if they actually talked about it and he could choose the break he wants rather than the break he's given.

You have a husband problem. He's being an arse because unlike with Baby #1 he has to be more hands on than he's had to be before.

Exactly this. Funnily enough the biggest row my husband and I had after having our first baby was over a bath he ran me. Because a) he did it in the bathroom straight after he had just used the toilet and it was smelly in there and b) I wanted to do it myself, to my preferred depth and temperature, and tbh I wanted the extra time this would take. He denied me like ten minutes of the break I had been looking forward to for hours. He ended up pulling the plug as well after I complained.

It was a stupid argument, but also it is wasn't, because at that moment those ten extra minutes and that longed for me-time meant the world to me.

I hate feeling like he is allocating me time. Like my breaks are on his terms, for as long as he can offer me them. So I understand that frustration well.

We are about to have our fourth and our oldest has just turned 6. We went through a very difficult time after baby #2. We turned parenting into a competition of who had it the hardest, who was more tired. And we stopped being kind to each other. We became bitter and our relationship was very fractured.

We had a couple of very vulnerable heartfelt, calm conversations and endeavoured to put kindness towards each other first and work hard at our relationship and put everything else second. It saved our marriage and we are about to have our last baby and we are under pressure with about to be 4 young kids but our relationship is the best it’s been.

you can do this but you both need to really have a calm heart to heart and both want to work at it

Agreed.

Had he said that he wanted a bath? There might have been something he was looking forward to doing when he got the toddler to bed? I understand that you are both tired, he's allowed to feel tired and in need of a break as well. I always let my husband sleep through the night as much as possible when our babies were small- I was up breastfeeding anyway so I didn't see the point in waking him to change a nappy when I was already awake, I found if he got to sleep all night he'd be much more able to handle more in the day (and I'd try to make up with a nap as well!) sounds like one of those things when you're both feeling exhausted and just argue because you both need a bit of a break

If this was his reactions after your body has completely healed from MAJOR surgery, I would get it slightly but given you have only just given birth 11 days ago I absolutely think he should have more grace and then some. Was he with you at the birth? Does he know what a c-section actually entails? Was he also like this the first time around?

He should be happily pandering without complaint to his family and their every need until you have fully recovered from this surgery and can be welcomed back slowly into a teamwork dynamic. Until then, he needs to man the fuck up and be a father. Him doing that is nothing compared to what you have just put your body through to bring his child safely into this world.

Put your foot down. Sending you lots of love and hugs, you got this mama ❤️

Why would there be any expectation that OP stays up all night “because she’s already up bf”, H has unbroken sleep and then OP makes do with a nap during the day?

The only fair thing to do is to essentially sleep in shifts. OP and toddler go to sleep at the same time (7/8pm), H stays awake with baby, OP wakes up around 12/1am and takes over with baby, H sleeps until 6am or whenever toddler wakes. When both children are awake, both parents are awake and chipping in. I agree that it doesn’t seem to make sense to have both parents awake at night at the same time when only one child is awake - waste of precious sleep.

What a nasty thing to say about a man trying his best, “man the fuck up” when he’s already doing a LOT. Men are allowed to struggle too. Men are allowed to be tired too. Men are allowed to need a fucking break too. Him taking care of their toddler plus their dog plus nights with baby is so far from “nothing”, as I’m sure OP would realise if he stepped out for a few days.

You can’t pour from an empty cup and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you just need that break, that’s not about not being a man, that’s about being fucking human.

Oh come on.

One of the team had major abdominal surgery less than two weeks ago and the other one didn't.

OP, your husband needs a boot to the backside.

He's feeling sorry for himself because he had to parent his child all day and contribute to the nighttime parenting, and you haven't given him a medal for it.

Welcome to adulthood, big boy!

Tell him next time (if?) you as a couple have another baby he can do the pregnancy and the major abdominal surgery to get the baby out, and he can listen to you whinging and pouting and throwing your toys out of your pram about getting some rest less than two weeks later.

You need extra help

Are you for real?

She had major abdominal surgery. He did not.

He can put up with the toddler all day. What's the alternative, in his mind? His wife whose belly is stapled together can run around after HIS toddler?

FFS.

They're allowed to admit they need help. They're not allowed to throw a bloody tantrum.

A real man would have a sense of perspective. His wife's belly is stapled together and if he doesnt realise this is probably tougher for her there's something massively wrong with him.

If he thinks it's all too much, he needs to solve thst problem himself. Call his mother. Call his MIL. Don't throw a tantrum when your wife is exhausted and vulnerable.

Have you ever had a c-section? If not, kindly keep your uneducated thoughts to yourself.

Probably going Against the grain but sounds like he's doing plenty ( as he should be ) really never understand why BF mums wake the dads to do nappies in the night totally pointless both of you having broken sleep changing a nappy takes 60 seconds

That sounds like an exhausting routine for both of you. And you both need breaks to get through this intact.

Pumping as well as bf is shattering because someone has to wash, sterilise and store everything plus deal with bottles. If baby isn't gaining enough weight I'd add in a couple bottles of formula and reduce pumping. Even with inlaws helping me I couldn't keep up the routine you describe. Is it low supply or a latch issue?

You've just had major surgery, less rushing around up and down stairs, let yourself heal. Can you hold baby while toddler watches TV and send hubby upstairs for a break once or twice a day?

Mine had PTSD from my emergency c-section with second and we both existed in a sort of sleep deprived hell until I gave up pumping and bought formula. Baby quickly gained weight, nobody needed to be up every 2 hours, I still breastfed in between but my milk was drying up anyway so it was a huge relief. I breastfed first for 3 years so expected to do same again, but each baby and birth is different. Formula meant he could take a nightshift and be fully in charge while I slept, then I'd wake for my shift, he didn't feel bossed around.

Good luck, it is hard but you'll pull through.