Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

[wizadora1991]

I am struggling to accept how miserable my Husband is to be around. We had our 2nd baby 11 days ago via c section. It was traumatic, although I have been actively up & about in & out of the house since about day 4

My husbands main responsibility has been our 2 year old, whilst I have breastfed our baby, as well as pumping some extra milk in between feeds for bottles

I am up breastfeeding baby during the night, with my Husband then changing her nappy after an hour or so’s feed. Last night he also gave her a bottle I prepared after a breastfeed, as her weight isn’t great. So his sleep is also broken

I however do need a nap during the day when our toddler naps. So i make sure to boob baby, prep a bottle for husband if needed & take myself off for an hour or so. Breastfeeding really does take it out of you!

Tonight i had my first bath since csection - BLISS! With our toddler which was so lovely. Baby was in her moses in the hall so I could keep an eye on her whilst I was finishing bathing & my Husband sorted toddler downstairs after toddler got out the bath. When toddler went to bed, I asked my Husband to take baby’s moses downstairs & i wouldnt be long

He text me when baby woke up, I ran him his own fresh bubble bath & got downstairs about 10 mins after he text me

Got downstairs, husband was holding baby. I had to wash bottles & fill the steriliser before I could feed as I have to pump after feeding

I could tell he was arsey. That took me another 10 or so mins. I’d made his bath boiling hot so it’d cool down in time for him going up

He’s just had a massive blow up at me saying ‘WHEN DO I GET A BREAK!!’ ‘I’ve looked after our toddler all day today and get no break!!’ He’s also got to walk the dogs tonight, so has stormed upstairs and drained the bath out of protest

I’m just at a loss, I know this time is also hard for him but i’m struggling to get past the fact he’s basically resenting me or something for napping when i need to & having the bath tonight

This sounds really pathetic putting it into words. I know he’s entitled to his feelings, but I’m just feeling a bit low after his words and attitude towards me

Am i being unreasonable to expect a bit more grace from him? Surely using our toddler as an excuse, when he also chose to be a dad, is uncalled for

She ran him a bath

No it isn’t 🙄

Woopie do

He didn't want one.

It wasn’t offered. It was presented to him. No discussion as to whether he wanted one at all, or if a bath later would be preferred. I’d be bloody annoyed at being expected to be grateful for something I didn’t want.

Yeh He probably wanted 30 mins to do whatever the hell he wanted by himself. Whatever that is. Not here..I've run you a bubble bath.

I think it's a bit controlling to run someone a bath without asking if they want a bath

Hell mend you, OP. You won’t be going out of your way to make a gesture of care towards your husband again anytime soon, you controlling whatnot you. Bloody bubble baths indeed. What a nightmare. 😒

Really, even if he hadn’t had much sleep, even if he didn’t want a bath right then, he still could have appreciated the gesture or at the very least huffed quietly instead of giving OP crap for trying to do something nice for him.

OP who has just been through 9 month of pregnancy, major surgery and is in the midst of healing and establishing breastfeeding thought of him and his comfort and he could not summon up a “thank you”? Or even a “sorry I snapped at you”? Because he’s tired?
The bar has officially been lowered.

Fucking hell, it's now controlling to run a bath for someone? Yes I know he didn't ask for one but OP probably thought she was doing something nice. This site gets more fucking ridiculous by the day

Tell him he can have a break when it is possible for a baby to be cut out of him 🙃

Yes it is. No discussion of what he might want - expecting him to be grateful for a bath before he heads out to walk the dogs plus it’s hardly difficult to turn a tap on and off

Yes to this.

And the sad thing is it's presumably women who are sticking the boot in and giving the OP grief.

We will never achieve equality as long as we continue to make excuses for piss poor male attitude and failure to support us when we need their full support.

For goodness sake no one is saying it’s equal. But he’s allowed to be tired. He’s allowed not to want a bath and he’s allowed to be a bit grumpy for ten minutes.

Fucking hell why are we pretending that because OP just had a baby she's incapable of caring for both her newborn and toddler for an hour a day so that her husband can have a nap or take a breather?

There's time for both of them to have a break if they need one. It's not a competition over who has it worse. It's a hard time and if they cannot support each other's needs (or even care what those needs are) then there's not much of a future is there.

Most partners are back at work after two weeks of parental leave anyway so they'll need to work out a new way of doing things.

I've noticed MN is chockablock with these defenders of entitled men lately. Gross.

Clearly, you will find any excuse to condemn the OP. This one is particularly laughable.

What I don’t get is the husband having to be up in the night to change a nappy. When I was breastfeeding, I didn’t involve my husband at night at all.

I also don’t really get pumping. I never did it. Seems like a right old faff when you’re breastfeeding the baby anyway.

Nope. It's not that they can't take it. It's that they feel entitled not to have to endure it. After giving birth a mother needs more sleep than a father does. It's a tremendous strain on the body.
So you have it backwards.

Your opinion, not mine.

In my experience, postpartum I can cope with 4 hours sleep and function fine the next day, whereas my partner looks and feels like death. My hormones have carried me through each time. We work a lot better as a team when I solely look after the newborn and he has a good night's sleep and then takes care of the older children.

And my partner doesn't feel more entitled to sleep, it's just how it is for us.

Okay, but that's you. It's not everyone, so why make a general claim which is just based on your own life?

What I said about giving birth being hard on the body is not an opinion, it is a fact.

I dont want to derail the thread having back and forth with you, but this is a forum where we all share our own experiences and advice. I have a good network of mum friends and a lot of us experience the same thing with sleep and our partners.

Nobody is disputing that childbirth is hard on the body.

In a similar vein, its not a fact that all men feel entitled to sleep, or that all women need more sleep than men, neither of those "facts" you've posted are true in my case.

Fucking hell, why are we pretending that OPs intention to send him off for a bubble bath on his own while she was in charge of both kids was some kind of hideous power move on her part and not a gesture intended to make sure he had a break?

This thread is a parallel universe.

Shifts!

You both need a stretch of unbroken sleep for a few hours, almost everyone gets fed up and overreacts when sleep deprived. Remind yourselves it’s not a competition or tit for tat.

If husband is on toddler duty, he works to toddler timeframe. He gets up at the crack of dawn with him, plays with him, makes sure he’s in routine. He gets a decent stretch of sleep at night. He can have some baby time after toddler is in bed and he has had some dinner and a bit of a rest.

You are on newborn duty. You work to newborn time frame. You’re up in the night to feed and do nappies, but you get to nap as you please during the day, while husband takes toddler to park or whatever to keep things quiet. You look after yourself and baby and have some cuddles and tv in bed with toddler from time to time. Go to bed after dinner and have a few hours unbroken sleep while DH cuddles baby or relaxes while they’re in Moses downstairs.

I would go to bed 7pm and have a good sleep. DH would have baby in Moses, with a bottle of expressed milk if needed. He would have a pillow and duvet on sofa if he wanted to shut his eyes but he was in charge of baby. He would come to bed at 12 & I would take over for the night shift. Then he would get up at 7ish and do breakfast.

Thanks all

Just to answer a few points

• I am still having quite bad internal pain, I have some nerve damage and also some potential damage to my bladder that is going to be investigated in the new year. So they’ve advised I rest up as much as possible. I find it quite difficult to manoeuvre myself and the baby out of the bed and onto the changing table, then back into bed etc. So DH does the change and puts her back to bed so I can get 30 mins or so sleep. Baby is also cluster feeding at the moment so if I didn’t have those odd 30 mins here or there, I would have nothing apart from day time naps - at which point I also miss out on time with my toddler. I can be breastfeeding baby for 2-3 hours solidly. So DH does get good solid chunks of sleep
• We have literally no one else to help unfortunately, other than my parents. They do as much as they can around their own work and commitments. We get zero help from his family, due to MIL& FIL living abroad, and his sibling has zero interest
• I am also with DH & toddler during the day. It’s just I am tied some of the time to breastfeeding so can’t be as physical
• I asked DH if he would like a bath running, he said yes please
• Baby was settled and not crying, he was just cuddling them
• He doesn’t like to do the bottle washing / sterilising of pump parts, so I do most of it. Not an issue for me. I had to do it before I started feeding her as my pump parts weren’t ready for after her BF. I’ve been told by the health visitor to pump & feed after every BF due to poor weight gain
• I have tried to find a dog walker to lighten his load but there is absolutely nobody available at this time of year. My Dad does come to walk them whenever he can
• I love the suggestions of shift sleeping and hopefully we can get to this. But with cluster feeding and breastfeeding / pumping, it’s just not feasible at the moment. Baby had tongue tie cut yesterday, so hopefully that will make our feeding journey easier
• We’re absolutely ok now. We just had a rough night, as all new parents do