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Original poster

Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

162 replies

wizadora1991 · 22/12/2024 21:54

I am struggling to accept how miserable my Husband is to be around. We had our 2nd baby 11 days ago via c section. It was traumatic, although I have been actively up & about in & out of the house since about day 4

My husbands main responsibility has been our 2 year old, whilst I have breastfed our baby, as well as pumping some extra milk in between feeds for bottles

I am up breastfeeding baby during the night, with my Husband then changing her nappy after an hour or so’s feed. Last night he also gave her a bottle I prepared after a breastfeed, as her weight isn’t great. So his sleep is also broken

I however do need a nap during the day when our toddler naps. So i make sure to boob baby, prep a bottle for husband if needed & take myself off for an hour or so. Breastfeeding really does take it out of you!

Tonight i had my first bath since csection - BLISS! With our toddler which was so lovely. Baby was in her moses in the hall so I could keep an eye on her whilst I was finishing bathing & my Husband sorted toddler downstairs after toddler got out the bath. When toddler went to bed, I asked my Husband to take baby’s moses downstairs & i wouldnt be long

He text me when baby woke up, I ran him his own fresh bubble bath & got downstairs about 10 mins after he text me

Got downstairs, husband was holding baby. I had to wash bottles & fill the steriliser before I could feed as I have to pump after feeding

I could tell he was arsey. That took me another 10 or so mins. I’d made his bath boiling hot so it’d cool down in time for him going up

He’s just had a massive blow up at me saying ‘WHEN DO I GET A BREAK!!’ ‘I’ve looked after our toddler all day today and get no break!!’ He’s also got to walk the dogs tonight, so has stormed upstairs and drained the bath out of protest

I’m just at a loss, I know this time is also hard for him but i’m struggling to get past the fact he’s basically resenting me or something for napping when i need to & having the bath tonight

This sounds really pathetic putting it into words. I know he’s entitled to his feelings, but I’m just feeling a bit low after his words and attitude towards me

Am i being unreasonable to expect a bit more grace from him? Surely using our toddler as an excuse, when he also chose to be a dad, is uncalled for

OP posts:
cuteyfluff · 23/12/2024 09:41

ThatWildJadeTurtle · 23/12/2024 04:01

Have you ever had a c-section? If not, kindly keep your uneducated thoughts to yourself.

Show quote history

I've had a c section and I still think if he needs a break he needs a break

cuteyfluff · 23/12/2024 09:42

mathanxiety · 23/12/2024 03:54

Are you for real?

She had major abdominal surgery. He did not.

He can put up with the toddler all day. What's the alternative, in his mind? His wife whose belly is stapled together can run around after HIS toddler?

FFS.

Show quote history

Someone else could help out?

Ffs

pointswinprizes · 23/12/2024 09:42

Before reading the post in full I said in my head he is miserable because he is now parenting the first kid more than he has ever parented before

Yeah that was what I though to. He’s having to step up and he doesn’t like it. Still he is actually doing his bit to be fair. Some would just point blank refuse <low standards>

Aweecupoftea · 23/12/2024 09:54

My two year old behaves a bit like this DH. If he doesn’t get his milk fast enough, he goes in the huff and doesn’t want it anymore. Forgivable in a tiny human whose brain is about 20 years off from complete maturity, less so in a grown man who is fully aware that his wife was cut open 11 days ago and that her cut up body is still solely responsible for keeping his child alive.
He doesn’t like sharing the load and taking turns in the bath (not even a child free bath in OPs case!) but what’s the alternative? His wife does his share. That’s the alternative. What an arse.
Don’t pander to him OP, you’ve done nothing wrong. You are taking turns and sharing the work like you should. Hopefully, like my toddler, he will take a nap and wake up in better spirits.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/12/2024 10:17

A toddler, a new born baby and a wife recovering from major surgery.... Realistically he's not really going to get a break for a long time. If there's any breaks to be had, you should be getting them, as you are recovering from an op and keeping his baby alive.
If he's really so wet that he can't cope, then suggest that he buys in some help.
Sadly, this childish behaviour often kicks in after the birth of DC2. Juggling one baby between 2 adults is easily doable, juggling 2 babies, or a baby and a toddler is a lot more demanding.

SparklyTurtle · 23/12/2024 10:25

The absolute disdain for fathers who are doing their best, looking after a post surgical wife, helping with a baby and almost solely looking after a toddler on very little broken sleep is shocking.

Despite not having been through the pregnancy and birth he is doing a hell of a lot of work here and he is only human. He needs a break too.

Does everyone have such disdain for their husbands as they show to fathers on Mumsnet? No wonder there are so many unhappy marriages on here!

vibratosprigato · 23/12/2024 10:29

pointswinprizes · 23/12/2024 09:36

Why did he drain the bath in protest when it was his bath?

Would you want to take a hot bubble bath before having to get dressed again to take the dogs for a walk? Not the order I'd do things...

LittleBearPad · 23/12/2024 10:36

pointswinprizes · 23/12/2024 09:36

Why did he drain the bath in protest when it was his bath?

Probably because he didn’t want a bath in the first place. OP decided he did.

I wouldn’t want one either if I then had to get dressed to go out and walk the dogs.

Theres no sense in him changing nappies at night.

LittleBearPad · 23/12/2024 10:39

SparklyTurtle · 23/12/2024 10:25

The absolute disdain for fathers who are doing their best, looking after a post surgical wife, helping with a baby and almost solely looking after a toddler on very little broken sleep is shocking.

Despite not having been through the pregnancy and birth he is doing a hell of a lot of work here and he is only human. He needs a break too.

Does everyone have such disdain for their husbands as they show to fathers on Mumsnet? No wonder there are so many unhappy marriages on here!

Edited

Agreed.

Christmasgiraffe · 23/12/2024 11:04

cuteyfluff · 23/12/2024 09:40

I'd need a break if I'd looked after my toddler for 11 days solid and had poor sleep.

So I'm pathetic then... nice..

@wizadora1991 I'd get the toddler into nursery

Show quote history

Honestly, yeah 🤷‍♀️. How do you think single parents manage.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/12/2024 11:11

SparklyTurtle · 23/12/2024 10:25

The absolute disdain for fathers who are doing their best, looking after a post surgical wife, helping with a baby and almost solely looking after a toddler on very little broken sleep is shocking.

Despite not having been through the pregnancy and birth he is doing a hell of a lot of work here and he is only human. He needs a break too.

Does everyone have such disdain for their husbands as they show to fathers on Mumsnet? No wonder there are so many unhappy marriages on here!

Edited

But he is behaving pretty badly. It's fine for him to need a break but to behave in the way he did and just drain the bath that OP had run for him is really childish.

Plus, what does he expect his wife to do? She's establishing breastfeeding and recovering from a traumatic birth and a major operation. It's really unfair of him to take it out on OP.

pointswinprizes · 23/12/2024 11:11

vibratosprigato · 23/12/2024 10:29

Would you want to take a hot bubble bath before having to get dressed again to take the dogs for a walk? Not the order I'd do things...

Show quote history

Yes but how was it a protest? Was the offer of a nice bubble bath part of his perceived mistreatment? 🤔

pointswinprizes · 23/12/2024 11:24

A toddler, a new born baby and a wife recovering from major surgery.... Realistically he's not really going to get a break for a long time

Don’t forget the dogs!

I think this is the bottom line. Both OP and her husband are going to have to have a lot to do (and not enough sleep) for the next few years and there simply is no point throwing a tantrum over it.

Lasttraintolondon · 23/12/2024 11:35

You're both tired, you're both doing your best. Hopefully you've always been a great team and that's why you've got kids together - this hard bit will pass. The early days with two are just so tricky, but it gets easier, ever so slowly and then one day it's all a blurry memory!

Be as nice to each other (both ways, not just you to him!) as you can in the meantime and maybe talk to him about having a deal where you both communicate openly if you're feeling overwhelmed. It'll get better.

To all those posters taking sides, or ridiculing him, I can only assume you've never had young kids or your first instinct in a relationship is to always attack. Says much more about you than the OP.

bigkidatheart · 23/12/2024 11:44

Sounds like he needs a break, is he also working? I think you need to do more. It sounds like he does a lot more and doesn't sound like its appreciated

SparklyTurtle · 23/12/2024 11:59

thepariscrimefiles · 23/12/2024 11:11

But he is behaving pretty badly. It's fine for him to need a break but to behave in the way he did and just drain the bath that OP had run for him is really childish.

Plus, what does he expect his wife to do? She's establishing breastfeeding and recovering from a traumatic birth and a major operation. It's really unfair of him to take it out on OP.

Show quote history

How has he behaved badly? He lost his temper and shouted when do I get break, after looking after a toddler, baby and his wife for two weeks on broken sleep. Why has she run him a bath when he's still got to go out and walk the dogs? It's weird. I wouldn't have wanted the bath then either. I've shouted what about me at the baby when at the end of my tether and it wasn't her fault she needed me all the time. I would have absolutely lost my rag if my husband was faffing about when he'd already had a relaxing bath and he knew I still had dogs to walk and oddly thought that was a great time to have a bath!

People don't think straight when they are sleep deprived and the poor man is doing his best. I have recovered from a c section while struggling to establish breastfeeding with a tongue tied baby who couldn't even latch so was exclusively pumping. We were in survival mode. When I had an absolute meltdown most days my husband took the baby and gave me 10 minutes peace outside to gather myself. He took me to the stable to sit with my horses efor and hour when I was completely losing it. When he looked broken and said I just need to be alone for a while I need a break, I told him to go out and take as long as he needed. It was what he did for me every day why on earth wouldn't I do it for him?

It sounds like the OP doesn't think her husband deserves a break or to be exhausted because he hasn't given birth and isn't breast feeding. Which isn't fair.

Here4thechocs · 23/12/2024 12:11

FGS! Yuh didn’t just pop out a baby, which itself would be enough hard work but you had a C section , too. Why do men think it’s all about “ me me me me” ???

LittleBearPad · 23/12/2024 12:31

pointswinprizes · 23/12/2024 11:11

Yes but how was it a protest? Was the offer of a nice bubble bath part of his perceived mistreatment? 🤔

Edited
Show quote history

Being given something you don’t want and haven’t asked for is often worse than being given nothing or much better asked what you do want.

LittleBearPad · 23/12/2024 12:31

thepariscrimefiles · 23/12/2024 11:11

But he is behaving pretty badly. It's fine for him to need a break but to behave in the way he did and just drain the bath that OP had run for him is really childish.

Plus, what does he expect his wife to do? She's establishing breastfeeding and recovering from a traumatic birth and a major operation. It's really unfair of him to take it out on OP.

Show quote history

10 minutes of grumpiness! I assume you are a saint at all times.

Comtesse · 23/12/2024 12:32

The bar for men is so low. Cannot believe so many posters are making excuses for this guy. Ok he’s tired, but so is OP and she had abdominal surgery, still bleeding and is breastfeeding (oh after a pregnancy too). Pretending that’s equal is a joke.

But don’t bother pumping at this point - you’re still getting feeding established, I wouldn’t faff around with a pump yet.

cuteyfluff · 23/12/2024 12:32

Comtesse · 23/12/2024 12:32

The bar for men is so low. Cannot believe so many posters are making excuses for this guy. Ok he’s tired, but so is OP and she had abdominal surgery, still bleeding and is breastfeeding (oh after a pregnancy too). Pretending that’s equal is a joke.

But don’t bother pumping at this point - you’re still getting feeding established, I wouldn’t faff around with a pump yet.

No one is saying it's equal

cuteyfluff · 23/12/2024 12:33

pointswinprizes · 23/12/2024 11:24

A toddler, a new born baby and a wife recovering from major surgery.... Realistically he's not really going to get a break for a long time

Don’t forget the dogs!

I think this is the bottom line. Both OP and her husband are going to have to have a lot to do (and not enough sleep) for the next few years and there simply is no point throwing a tantrum over it.

Yeah maybe the dogs should go into kennels for a bit

Chipsahoy · 23/12/2024 12:36

You had a traumatic c section. Even if your birth was easy and straight forward, you should be doing nothing but basic newborn care.

Barryplopper · 23/12/2024 12:36

I'd stop waking him up to change a nappy, why do you both need disturbed sleep at night? I used to feed baby and do the nappy, then oh would get up in the morning and let me have a lie in x

WidgetDigit2022 · 23/12/2024 12:37

Babies are hard work and can send anyone loopy. I HATED the first few months and found it the hardest time of my life!

I would say hold on tight and get through it. It sounds like you’re both pulling your weight just tired and in need of a rest. It’s tough on any relationship.