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Original poster

Cancer attention seeking?

172 replies

Mais444 · 22/12/2024 21:52

Hear me out.
My mum had bowel cancer in 2019. She had an operation and is now absolutely fine. It was all over within a few months and we were all there for her and supported her.

Ever since then, it's like having cancer has become her entire personality. She tells pretty much everyone that she's got cancer when she literally doesn't have cancer anymore. She has had countless tests giving the all clear. She's also always laughing and saying things like 'well the dog will outlive me'
'I'll be dead by then anyway' which is just really morbid and awful to hear. I've tried to talk to her about it and she just gets annoyed saying I'm insensitive.
Her Instagram bio is 'cancer queen, living live whilst I still can,' which I find odd as she's not had cancer for a long time.

Am I being nasty?? It really, really grates on me that she does this. Please be honest.

I'm not the type of person to be open with my private life on social media or to people I don't know, so to me this behaviour seems really weird.

OP posts:
ShortyShorts · 22/12/2024 21:53

She sounds as though she needs counselling.

stichguru · 22/12/2024 21:55

She sounds like she is seriously mentally ill and needs help.

CarolSwimmer · 22/12/2024 21:55

Well, maybe the cancer scared her and if she's getting on a bit in age, perhaps she's feeling the end is near. This may be her way of coping?

WulyJmpr · 22/12/2024 21:55

It's pretty naive of you to assume the cancer won't come back. Leave her be.

stargazerlil · 22/12/2024 21:56

Sounds like she’s not let go of the fight, maybe scared to let go as she’ll break down so she keeps battling it, must have been awful bowel cancer. as the person above also says I think she needs counselling

Original poster
Mais444 · 22/12/2024 21:58

Thank you all that sounds like a more reasonable view than mine. I've always just been trying to reassure her she hasn't got it but even after all the tests and positivity she's still convinced. Will talk to my dad about counselling

OP posts:
Polecat07 · 22/12/2024 21:58

I don't think you're being nasty, as that does sound tiresome.
You know your mum best, do you think she could be really scared of it returning and these quips about death are her letting that out in ways she can?
Maybe the whole experience really shook her and she could benefit from counselling to help process it?

Or she could be an attention seeker, my mum is the latter and it's totally insufferable 🤷🏻‍♀️

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 22/12/2024 21:58

She has had countless tests giving the all clear

Not sure how that can be if she had cancer in 2019. You’re only considered cancer-free if you remain in complete remission for five years or more after treatment, so surely she’s only just got to that point?

TheEllisGreyMethod · 22/12/2024 21:59

I think life after cancer is hard, you go from this intense environment with lots of support to being told you're ok and crack on, but the psychological scars are still there. She's recovering from a trauma, I would try to broach some counseling with her to come to terms with life after cancer. I work with oncology patients and this scenario is unfortunately quite common and due to the lack of support post being all clear

Pinkelephant66 · 22/12/2024 22:00

Cancer queen? That’s the thing I find to be most strange

creamsnugjumper · 22/12/2024 22:01

I think I understand her. I had surgery for endometriosis and it's not returned but I'm still active on discussions around it, I also had awful hospitalised Covid and since that I have developed health anxiety.

I'm currently doing CBT and it's unpicking some areas that make me able to emphasise with your mum.

She is allowed to dwell on her cancer it was clearly a huge shock to her and she is allowed to talk about it, but she needs some help to move forward and move on, talking or CBT would help her process how he brain is now working.

She's living in fear essentially and the mention of it all is like a safety behaviour.

Zinglenibber · 22/12/2024 22:01

People cope, or don't, in different ways. Perhaps she hasn't come to terms with what she's been through. It's not easy. Some of the women who had cancer at the same time as me post about it on social media all the time. I'm happier being quietly grateful on the anniversary of my operation. Neither way is better than the other.

Original poster
Mais444 · 22/12/2024 22:02

creamsnugjumper · 22/12/2024 22:01

I think I understand her. I had surgery for endometriosis and it's not returned but I'm still active on discussions around it, I also had awful hospitalised Covid and since that I have developed health anxiety.

I'm currently doing CBT and it's unpicking some areas that make me able to emphasise with your mum.

She is allowed to dwell on her cancer it was clearly a huge shock to her and she is allowed to talk about it, but she needs some help to move forward and move on, talking or CBT would help her process how he brain is now working.

She's living in fear essentially and the mention of it all is like a safety behaviour.

This is very helpful thank you

OP posts:
Radishknot · 22/12/2024 22:04

2019 isn’t that long in cancer terms & perhaps she is scared it will come back?

MissyB1 · 22/12/2024 22:05

As a pp said she's only just reached her "five year survival" which is what usually counts as "cured". So before then it would definitely have felt like tempting fate to have said she was cured. Even so she will still probably have the fear. She's just trying to cope.

Pancakeflipper · 22/12/2024 22:06

Do you think it's about getting attention ans support? Perhaps when she was diagnosed with cancer she found people to be supportive contacting her more often... and she doesn't want to lose that attention? Maybe scared she'll be lonely? Maybecit made her feel special (in a weird way).

(I say this as someone on cancer treatment - I've been so touched by the support people have given me - but I'd happily move onto the "got through that shitty treatment and back on with living life full on")

andthat · 22/12/2024 22:08

@Mais444 unless you’ve had cancer it can be hard to relate to the worry that it can cause you… basically, your peace of mind goes.

your mum needs empathy not irritation… and work with a counsellor to come to terms with her diagnosis and to feel confident that she is now ‘well’. It can be very hard to let go of the fear that it will come back and to trust that you are well again.

daisypond · 22/12/2024 22:09

There’s no such thing as “not having cancer any more”. There’s “no evidence of disease”, which is very different. I’ve had cancer twice, and I know this all too well. Cancer can re-emerge at any point and can survive undetected for years.

Viviennemary · 22/12/2024 22:12

It is annoying. I knew somebody who kept saying she was in remission though her cancer had been cured about 15 years ago. I think its anxiety that it might come back.

SnoopySantaPaws · 22/12/2024 22:14

How old is your Mum & how old are you?

Also my friend had breast cancer a few years ago. Treatment was pretty harsh, but she was very stoic, After chemo & radiotherapy she got the initial 'all clear'. Less than 2 years since that ending, she's now just been told she had non hodgkinsons lymphoma. They initially said they wanted to watch & wait, rather than treat it for now, then a few days later they rang her to go in for a full body scan Friday, they rang her Friday night & told her the consultant would call her Monday. She's scared this time.

your mum is probably aware she hasn't yet passed the 5 years & even then it's no guarantee you won't get it back, or get another type.

it would certainly mess my head up! Her way of coping might be annoying to you, but it's her way of coping with her cancer /aging. I agree that for HER, some counselling, might help her cope better, but you being annoyed is a bit rubbish tbh.

LostTheMarble · 22/12/2024 22:17

I had a parent like this. Didn’t have or were recovering from a serious illness themselves but lost a few people/my grandparents to cancer and similar in a very small space of time. They became obsessed with being ill, saying they wouldn’t have long, every small thing was a possibility of something more. Then they did develop a very rare but terminal illness that no one could have seen coming. They wasted so many years being consumed by imaginary sickness that it made those final few years seem even worse. A part of me wonders if it came about because they were just so consumed by the idea of being sick, they just wanted someone to see them/sympathise if that makes sense.

I agree with others, cancer was probably so all consuming at the time that it’s difficult for your mum to let go, I think she needs support so she can live her life as the person she is now.

corlan · 22/12/2024 22:17

I kind of get where your Mum's coming from. I found out I had bowel cancer 2 years ago. I'm clear at the moment but the fear of it returning is huge. I think a lot of people who have had cancer feel the same.
I think it's something hard to understand if you've not been through it. I'd cut her some slack - hopefully the fear will dissipate over time.

Lifestooshort71 · 22/12/2024 22:18

Cut her some slack

worrisome34 · 22/12/2024 22:20

I get what you're saying to a point. My mother had some health issues back in 2016, she was very unwell and ended up with sepsis and she still brings it up all the time especially when she's had a drink. I think it's something I'd prefer to forget and it does get a bit tiresome. There are more interesting things about her than that and it's always as if people don't know how to respond. The last time she did it her friend said something along the lines of 'well thank god you were ok and that's a positive thing' and straight away she bit back with 'well I nearly wasnt!' To me it's just pointless dwelling on horrible things that have passed.

But I do think going through something like cancer changes you as a person. It has probably caused her to think about her whole mortality a lot.

I would (and do) find it tedious but I think we have to cut them some slack and let people deal with their own experiences in their own way. Cancer is particularly scary because of the high chances of it returning.

Avastmehearties · 22/12/2024 22:21

If understand that this grates on you but I think try to listen to her and what she needs. Maybe this is counselling, or to talk over her experience.

I have had treatment for cancer. It's a huge experience. Mine is incurable. I know less about bowel but cancers aren't really considered cured these days. It's 'no evidence of disease' or 'remission' that's spoken about.

It's not about whether you're nasty, I just don't think you have a clear understanding of cancer, the mental health implications it can have and the terminology used. People not as close at hand may talk about being 'cancer free' after a clear scan and seem unbothered but they may well be living scan to scan and worrying just as much as your mum in their own way.