Cancer attention seeking?

[Mais444]

Hear me out.
My mum had bowel cancer in 2019. She had an operation and is now absolutely fine. It was all over within a few months and we were all there for her and supported her.

Ever since then, it's like having cancer has become her entire personality. She tells pretty much everyone that she's got cancer when she literally doesn't have cancer anymore. She has had countless tests giving the all clear. She's also always laughing and saying things like 'well the dog will outlive me'
'I'll be dead by then anyway' which is just really morbid and awful to hear. I've tried to talk to her about it and she just gets annoyed saying I'm insensitive.
Her Instagram bio is 'cancer queen, living live whilst I still can,' which I find odd as she's not had cancer for a long time.

Am I being nasty?? It really, really grates on me that she does this. Please be honest.

I'm not the type of person to be open with my private life on social media or to people I don't know, so to me this behaviour seems really weird.

So you don't have a problem with what LL99887 wrote? Blimey!! I think the issue here is there are many people on here with cancer themselves reading these posts and getting pretty upset at what's coming across as heartlessness from some.

She’s not cured ….you do know that don’t you….she may have been treated with curative intent, but she is merely NAD ( no evidence of disease) and there is a ( good) chance of recurrence …. So your mum lives with that knowledge every day….her health anxiety will likely be high…. And yet you call her attention seeking? ….shame on you

There is an increased risk of cancer if you have had it once, but it is not inevitable it will come back. And even if it does, it may be many years later.
My neighbour had bowel cancer at 60, had chemo and was healthy and active until she was 88 when she got bowel cancer again which she died from. Very sad, but she lived beyond an average life expectancy for women her age.

@SparklyGreenWriter

I think you need to read my posts again. I've done the opposite of what you've said.

Absolutely not attention seeking. Be thankful OP, you've not experienced cancer, the fear of it returning never leaves, as does the feeling that despite being given the all clear, they've missed something and cancer is present.

For me, the whole cancer thing was surreal, not to mention for much, if not all the diagnosis stage, I have cancer question mark, rather than the statement, I have cancer. I imagine your mother is experiencing the latter albeit with I don't have cancer. Indeed, I've had cancer, chemo, much surgery, radiation and various other treatments. Had also had a few scares re. the cancer spreading. Even though I'm six months from the first milestone - two years clear, I know it's just going to make me worry more because cancer is a sneaky bastard and can come back. Sure, it might not, but, it can. I wonder if your mum thinks that if she still thinks about having cancer and living with it, it's not going to too much of an adjustment if it returns. Maybe, she's simply not processed it all yet and finds it easier to talk about still having cancer. I know on occasion, I find it easier to say I'm still undergoing treatment because I live with the knowledge that I have terrible genes/more fear than most for my cancer to return and all the women in my family have died of either my cancer or related cancer by 50. Just because one is 'cured' of the cancer that was diagnosed or there's 'no evidence of cancer', it does not mean there isn't a rouge cell laying dormant waiting to wake up.

Counselling is an excellent idea, as is your mum calling Macmillan or using a Macmillan drop in centre (found at most hospitals that treat cancer) to talk things over. If there's a Maggie's, they offer a post-cancer workshop, and I know Macmillian offer something simple. Your mother has been through the whole range of emotions including having to face her own mortality. Add in she's a mother and her fear of dying well before her time and you're still young is something that will still be on her mind and will always be on her mind. (I say this as someone whose own mother died of cancer at 50, when I was in my teens.

On a pertinent note, to those trying to diagnose the OP's mother with a personality disorder, ffs, don't be so ridiculous, and besides, until you've experienced the utter shit show of cancer plus the very real fear it's not all gone/will return any time, you really have zero understanding of how all-consuming the fear is.

OP I hope you have learned from this discussion that there is no ‘right’ way to deal with a cancer diagnosis. I do think if your approach was that it was all over and done with in a couple of months, that possibly you didn’t give your mum the level of support she needed. As others have pointed out she was suddenly faced with her own mortality at a very young age. And all those tests that you have taken so much comfort from will likely have had a significant emotional toll on your mum as she waited for the results.

At the other end of the spectrum many posters have confidently asserted that cancer is never cured. Someone even mentioned it was naive to believe it will not return. I was diagnosed with bowel cancer almost two years ago and my cancer was surgically cured - that was the word my oncologist used - with chemo thrown in for good measure. 4 out of 5 people in my situation will never have a recurrence. And those who do will have it in the first five years, with the vast majority of the risk in the first two years after diagnosis.

OP’s mum has now passed that risk period and statistically can feel confident that it won’t return. That doesn’t mean that emotionally she will be at that point of course and she is entitled to tread her own path. But insisting young people with early stage cancers must live their entire life not considering themselves cured is a very strange way to think and I’m grateful that language isn’t the norm where I live.

Am so very sorry for your losses. Your poor mother had been living with her cancer for months, if not years. It's so very tragic that it wasn't discovered until too late. Regrettably, your father isn't alone and won't be the last. Chemotherapy and cancer can severely ravage the body and immune system to the degree that it can't fight a simple infection. Age can be a hinderance, along with pre-existing conditions, health, diet, genes, all sorts of things (including mindset).

For me, the fear of my cancer coming back, metastasising or even getting a whole new cancer is very very real, even so, I do live my life and appreciate each day. While cancer has made me a more positive person, it's also made me far more fearful of suffering the same early demise as my mother, more so as I'm almost her again. However, the difference between us is that my mother (and father) were terminally ill at diagnosis and dead within six months. I wasn't. That alone was enough to change my mindset, more so as I had a scary few weeks not one but twice when they thought the cancer has spread first to my liver and then my lung. Until you've experienced this for yourself, it's very easy to dispense advice such as yours. You have no idea about the details of the OP's mother's cancer, her medical history or others she may have lost to cancer. One can also still live their life while worrying about cancer. It sounds like the she has a wonderfully morbid sense of humour, something I know all about. Black humour got me through treatment and still gets me through. Gosh, when I met my oncologist for the first time, he told me that he would have thought that given my terrible genes/family history, he was certain I would have had a different type of cancer to the one I had. My reply 'there's still time' did not go down well even though I laughed (and my cancer nurse struggled to contain a giggle)!

PS. Colostomy bag, not a colonoscopy bag!

PPS. Having read some of your other posts, please do some bereavement counselling and talk to Macmillan about your parents. You're clearly struggling to process your loss/their dying so suddenly and within months of each other. Wishing you well.

Yes, in the same way that any person, at any point could get cancer, the statistic is so high that it’s 1 in 2. Nobody with a previous diagnosis of cancer needs to make it their entire personality and that’s why i’m showing conpassion to OP who has to put up with this daily.

I lost both my parents to cancer in similar circumstances and I understand what you were saying and the pain you are feeling right now. My dad had bowel and my mum cared for him, she was the most amazing woman and my best friend and my rock, I expected her to be around a lot longer but she died soon after my dad.

it’s been a few years now but I still struggle every day, please don’t think you are alone, If you want someone to talk to then please send me a private message.

I don’t think you meant to be insensitive, you are grieving and in pain, cancer is a truly evil disease that winds its away around people so it slowly chokes them. Or like the boiling frog analogy, you think you are fine but are being boiled alive.

Please don’t let this take over your life so that the bitterness eats you alive, it nearly got me but I know my parents wouldn’t want me to spend my life mourning them. I’m sure your parents wouldn’t either.

There's a big difference between being scared of something that's never happened, and being scared of something that has happened.

Being diagnosed with cancer changes everything.

I don't think you can underestimate the impact that a cancer diagnosis can have on someone, even if that cancer is ultimately treated.

I can see both yours and her side.

She’s had a massive ordeal, but you have too. Your mums way of coping is to talk about it a lot and try to joke. It sounds like yours is how mine tends to be when I’m faced with something grim or scary, I cover my ears and go ‘la la La’.

The idea of our parents getting sick and possibly the worst happening, then to be reminded of that in years that follow is hard.

it sounds like she needs to unpick what’s happened. Counselling is wonderful. It may be that even if you don’t feel like it, you could also do with it. It’s helped me (in a different situation ). As a result I’m better at responding to situations that I find uncomfortable.

for now, take a deep breath and try to remain positive 😊

Hi OP, lots of people have suggested counselling and if you can raise it with your mum I heartily recommend it. There are various services but at my breast centre, you have a named nurse to support you for 10 years after your diagnosis. It's worth you or your mum calling the department to find out more.

They can put your mum in touch with MacMillan cancer counselling which can assess your mum. The two options are counselling or clinical therapy, depending on the kind of support a patient needs. I know several people who have really benefited from this route given they are highly informed of the impact cancer has. I really believe specialised counselling is a good route for your mum. They are an understanding, kind and gentle service.

All the best to her. I hope your mum finds tools to help her cope with what's worrying her and I hope this thread helps your relationship too. Cancer can do one can't it? It affects everyone, not just the patient. All the very best.

It is possible to be grateful for having a type of cancer, or other illness, that doesn’t need prolonged treatment and be mentally affected.

I posted about my experience with a life threatening illness and my gratitude and appreciation for life. However, I had a lot of unresolved grief and trauma and I feel I was entitled to that. I see mental ill health as valid as physical ill health, although I recognise it’s very different.

Saying “it could be worse” or “X had it worse” is dismissive and unhelpful. We all know someone who has been through worse than us. It doesn’t diminish our own feelings. We are all humans.

Of course no one needs to make it their whole personality, but the fact that they are suggests they are struggling with what happened to them in a deep and fundamental way, and deserve our compassion. You say 1 in 2 get cancer - the majority of those people will not be 46 when diagnosed as was the case of OP's DM and assume your colleague was young too if she had small DC. It's a very young age to suddenly be forced to face your own mortality, particularly scary as a mother I'd imagine.

Another point is while, as you say, anyone can get cancer, only someone who has had primary cancer can get secondary cancer. That's the big fear, rather than another primary (in my case while I don't want another primary cancer, I feel like, been there, done that, came out the other side, I can cope with that). Secondary cancer (when it has spread into other parts of the body) is incurable (unlike primary which has the very real potential to be cured). It is treatable for as long as the drugs work (how long is a piece of string?). So, any person walking around who has never had a primary cancer diagnosis does not have to deal with the fear of that.

A cancer diagnosis is a life-changing experience, and plays with your mind in oh so many ways. If you think someone's being boring about it, it's maybe worth trying to see it from their side for a minute or two.

Maybe read Saraclara’s post above and you’ll see it from a different angle. My mum has had cancer and she never mentions it.

I have read @saraclara's post. I've read every post on this thread. I can understand that hearing a loved one talk constantly about cancer can be hard, but I think it's important not to consider these people attention seeking or bores. They've been traumatised I think by their diagnoses, which deserves compassion. I'm sorry you've been through this experience with your DM and hope she is doing well.

It is perhaps understandable. But she needs help to move on past that stage of their life.
Yes her cancer could come back, but she could also fall down the stairs and die as my mother did at a young age. We never know what is ahead. We have to live with uncertainty and our own mortality.
Personally I think when you have a major health scare, and are face to face with your own mortality, you have to come to terms with it, but also to move on.

And I have had a parent die from cancer and my DH is at a heightened risk of cancer due to another health condition. The online support group has lots of people in it with a terminal diagnosis of cancer and if DH does get the cancer associated with his condition, it is very likely to be terminal. But you have to make the most of the life you do have.

Of course, ideally, you make the most of the life you have but for some it's a lot easier said than done. Different folks for different strokes. And some people who think they'd easily come to terms with having cancer, facing their mortality and moving on might actually find that in reality they got a bit stuck. It's one of those things you can't really know until it happens to you.

It sounds like she needs some trauma counselling. I get this to a degree. I have had cancer, treated and all clear. However, it never ever ever leaves the back of your head. It's always there, quietly knocking to remind you. I have learned to live with that but I know how draining it is. I found counselling via Macmillan very helpful. You can contact them directly and ask for advice as they are great with support for family.

Be patient with her, she's had a huge life changing trauma and I imagine it'll always be there in some respects.

@PaperbackWrighter maybe it is because I live with a life limiting illness and my DH is at a heightened risk of terminal cancer because of a rare medical condition, and both my parents died young very suddenly - but I admit I get irritated at some of the people on this thread. If you can use your body normally and plan for the future, you are lucky. Life can be so short, you have to make the most of it.
If you are stuck, then seek help to move on. Do not borrow troubles from tomorrow. If my DH gets terminal cancer, we will deal with that. I am not worrying about it now. If I worry about anything it is practical day to day stuff like where we can park close to the church this evening so my DH can make it to the church - he is 61, so not old, but has lots of physical challenges.
Neither DH or I are likely to make very old bones. But we can enjoy the time we do have.

I do understand what you mean. My dad died suddenly when he and we were young. My own cancer diagnosis this year aged 50 (caught early but I won't be given the all clear for some time) has made me realise I want to live life to the full. In the main, I do it pretty well, but sometimes the odd dark thought pops into my mind. I think it would be a bit odd if it didn't. Anyway, I hope you get a spot by the church tonight and have a really lovely Christmas x

Everyone is different aren’t they? Some people are more private and stoic, and some are more “warts and all” and share everything, whether that be cancer or whatever they’re going through. I think big events just amplify your personality and how you deal with things depends on who you are. I can understand how it can be tiring to be around someone whose personality seems to revolve around an illness, but also that may just be who they are now. And it’s your decision OP how much of that you can weather. Of course cancer or any big blow in life is terrible, and we all cope in different ways.

Just for information for people suggesting McMillan counselling you now only get 4 sessions with them.

I agree that she needs counselling. But however traumatised she might be by her early stage and very treatable cancer, she really does have to read the room. And making this her entire personally means that many people that she interacts with, will have had much worse experiences, either themselves or through a loved one, and will be constantly stung.

If nothing else, she needs to recognise how insensitive her behaviour is.