Cancer attention seeking?

[Mais444]

Hear me out.
My mum had bowel cancer in 2019. She had an operation and is now absolutely fine. It was all over within a few months and we were all there for her and supported her.

Ever since then, it's like having cancer has become her entire personality. She tells pretty much everyone that she's got cancer when she literally doesn't have cancer anymore. She has had countless tests giving the all clear. She's also always laughing and saying things like 'well the dog will outlive me'
'I'll be dead by then anyway' which is just really morbid and awful to hear. I've tried to talk to her about it and she just gets annoyed saying I'm insensitive.
Her Instagram bio is 'cancer queen, living live whilst I still can,' which I find odd as she's not had cancer for a long time.

Am I being nasty?? It really, really grates on me that she does this. Please be honest.

I'm not the type of person to be open with my private life on social media or to people I don't know, so to me this behaviour seems really weird.

Maybe she is unable to let herself believe its gone because to believe that and feel the relief and then to have it come back would be devastating. Always believe the worst, then you can never be hurt.

I'm 23, my mum is 51.

Thank you for your post it's really helpful

I see both sides of this. On the one hand, the experience of having cancer doesn’t stop when you finish treatment or get the all clear, and the trauma doesn’t just magically go away.

On the other hand I have a colleague who constantly brings all sorts of conversations around to the fact she’s a cancer survivor which can get a bit much.

The thing that cancer does is it steals your peace. It steals the relationship you have with your body; you may never rely on it again. For some people, it's intrusive thoughts from dawn until dusk, every day.

It's OK - so totally, completely OK - for you to be irked by this. It's really annoying to have someone continually trauma dumping on you. Especially it's your mum, we need our mums to be invincible.

But equally that doesn't mean your mum is doing anything wrong. CBT might be a great idea for her, to help break that cycle of intrusive thoughts, but tread carefully in suggesting it. Seek support for yourself too.

Cancer is a fucker and not just in the moment, you know?

If it’s not too intrusive a question, what stage cancer did she have? If stage 3/4, then I can quite see why she wouldn’t be able to relax and see herself as fully cancer-free.

I think I understand how she feels. My dad had cancer, dealt with and never returned however he has, since, had health anxiety and goes through periods when he is constantly at the doctor's. I think he was terrified by being ill and that's never left him. He was previously in excellent health and it was a huge shock to him. It sounds like your mum was similar and she's hyper vigilant. Some counselling may help as pp have said.

Sounds like she's still stuck in the trauma of it and hasn't processed it all, along with the fear of it returning.

She sounds like she was very frightened and it completely rocked her world.

Getting the all clear isn’t the end of the cancer scare. Every ache and pain, you think it’s returned, every scan at the yearly intervals causes intense anxiety in the weeks before, that it’s cone back. The problem is that people do think it’s all done and dusted when you’ve got the all clear, and you lose the support you had from family and friends because they think you should now be okay. So please give her a little slack. I know some of her behaviour seems irrational, but I think once you’ve had a cancer diagnosis, life is never the same again.

Bowel cancer recurrence isn't rare. I'm guessing she is afraid that it'll come back if she gives up the fight and tries to move on, so is staying in the cancer world, in threat mode, for her psychological survival.

I think you are not being totally empathetic OP. I had a diagnosis a year ago and it was probably the most curable cancers that there is. Surgery, cancer removed and given the all clear but it really shook me to the core. It was a roller coaster that you think 'what just happened ?' I have tried hard to just get back to normal but it does lurk in the back of my mind a lot that it might return.

This is very definitely a thing in my experience

You sound utterly heartless and uncaring.

If she carries on like this fate will lend a helping hand she won’t be alive much longer.

I think once you have had a diagnosis of cancer, even when ‘cured’, the thought of it, the fear of it, the fact you have been hit by the bus and know that the bus is capable of hitting you again at any time, is super-difficult to process. This is her way of dealing with her fear and knowledge that time is borrowed, not promised.

I was told they don't call us cured we have no detectable cancer but the risk of return is there mine was 1 in 2 when I went over 5 years it dropped to 1 in 4. It's not something I ever totally take for granted I just don't talk about it anymore but very much in my mind up to about 4 years ago....I'm now clear 10 years. I still worry at every itch or lump.

Well put

My mum and best friend both have had cancer. It changes you. It's terrifying. Even if you're enormously brave and positive at the time the anxiety can crash into you later.

You have suddenly confronted the idea you might die, and it's awful. It changes you forever. Some people never get their peace of mind back - that anxiety can come out in strange (and perhaps sometimes annoying) ways.

She's not even made it 5 years yet, and bowel cancer is awful. It can be there for years before detection as well - was hers? That's another level of mind fuck - the realisation you've had this silent killer in your body for years and didn't know. It can make you think death really could be round the corner and you'd never know.

I echo the suggestion of cancer - but for you too. Maybe talk to Maggies or another cancer charity for family /friends. Maybe that irritation is hiding some fear of your own.

My mum had very aggressive breast cancer in 2017. It shook her to her core. She still goes on about it. Yes, it's tiresome, but I have no idea what it's like to be told you may be dead by the end of the year. It's truly awful in a way that is hard to comprehend.

And society loves to highlight people who are really positive about cancer, who have such positive lives now, who survived and then went to win the Olympics or some shite. Many cancer survivors live in fear and with enormous anxiety and with certain physical challenges they will never overcome.

Bowel cancer has roughly a 30-40% recurrence rate (depending on stage when diagnosed). That's hardly insignificant! And your mother was quite young when diagnosed which is another concerning factor.

No evidence of disease, remission... that's undeniably good news. However, I don't think an Oncologist would declare your mother "cured". Cancer casts a long shadow, unfortunately.

I really don't think your mother is attention seeking, but she might benefit from some therapy to process her fears around recurrence.

I also meant to say that when your mum, who you clearly love, does this or says these things, don’t ignore it, because part of her is probably doing the silent internal scream for help in processing it all and it is her way of voicing her fear. If you can, just give her a hug and tell her you love her and you are pleased she is still here to continue making lovely memories with you.

This, 100%.

Absolutely this

I always shiver when I hear anyone declare they are cancer free as it is not a given. It must always be a worry for your Mum.

I don't think she sounds heartless or uncaring.
I wonder if it is harder to deal with the aftermath psychologically if you had always been well before? Many of us live with our bodies letting us down anyway, without cancer.
Any life threatening illness can be difficult. But with any other illness, people are just expected to get on with it.